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car
8 months ago
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11 months ago
Just mechanic things
Blinker fluid's looking pretty low too. What other lies could a mechanic use to separate the technically challenged from their hard earned cash?
"The Turbocharged Timing Belt": "Your car's timing belt is specially designed to give it an extra boost of speed when you need it most. It's like a turbocharger for your engine! Of course, it'll cost a bit more to install, but trust me, you'll feel the difference."
"The Deluxe Diamond Oil Change": "Our premium oil change package includes a special blend of diamond-infused oil that's guaranteed to make your engine purr like a kitten. Sure, it's a bit pricier than regular oil, but think of it as an investment in your car's future."
"The High-Performance Headlight Fluid": "Did you know that your headlights need regular fluid changes to maintain their performance? Our special high-performance headlight fluid is designed to keep your lights shining bright, even on the darkest nights. It's a small price to pay for safety!"
"The Supercharged Spark Plug Service": "Upgrading to our supercharged spark plugs will give your car an extra jolt of power every time you hit the gas. Plus, they're guaranteed to last longer than regular spark plugs, so you won't have to worry about replacing them as often. It's like giving your car a caffeine boost!"
"The Titanium Tire Rotation": "Our titanium tire rotation service is the ultimate in tire care. We'll rotate your tires using specially engineered titanium tools that ensure a smoother ride and longer tire life. It's a bit more expensive than regular tire rotations, but trust me, your car will thank you for it."
"The Turbocharged Timing Belt": "Your car's timing belt is specially designed to give it an extra boost of speed when you need it most. It's like a turbocharger for your engine! Of course, it'll cost a bit more to install, but trust me, you'll feel the difference."
"The Deluxe Diamond Oil Change": "Our premium oil change package includes a special blend of diamond-infused oil that's guaranteed to make your engine purr like a kitten. Sure, it's a bit pricier than regular oil, but think of it as an investment in your car's future."
"The High-Performance Headlight Fluid": "Did you know that your headlights need regular fluid changes to maintain their performance? Our special high-performance headlight fluid is designed to keep your lights shining bright, even on the darkest nights. It's a small price to pay for safety!"
"The Supercharged Spark Plug Service": "Upgrading to our supercharged spark plugs will give your car an extra jolt of power every time you hit the gas. Plus, they're guaranteed to last longer than regular spark plugs, so you won't have to worry about replacing them as often. It's like giving your car a caffeine boost!"
"The Titanium Tire Rotation": "Our titanium tire rotation service is the ultimate in tire care. We'll rotate your tires using specially engineered titanium tools that ensure a smoother ride and longer tire life. It's a bit more expensive than regular tire rotations, but trust me, your car will thank you for it."
11 months ago
Listening to loud music
Vampires sure love their cars and music. They sure do other annoying things too! Here are some examples :
"The Transylvanian Time Warp": Romanian immigrants have a knack for showing up fashionably late to every event, as if they've just stepped out of a time machine set to "Romanian Standard Time." It's like they're living in a perpetual state of Dracula-induced daylight savings.
"The Dracula Dinner Dilemma": Romanian immigrants have a habit of insisting on cooking traditional dishes for every meal, even if it means subjecting you to garlic-laden feasts that could repel a vampire army. It's like they're on a mission to make sure you never get bitten (or kissed) again.
"The Carpathian Cartography Crisis": Romanian immigrants have an uncanny ability to navigate any city using only the stars and a vague sense of direction inherited from their nomadic ancestors. It's like they're channeling their inner Transylvanian gypsy with every wrong turn and missed exit.
"The Romanian Rhapsody Radio": Romanian immigrants have a peculiar taste in music, favoring traditional folk tunes and melancholic ballads that make you feel like you're stuck in a never-ending wedding reception. It's like they're determined to serenade you with the sounds of their homeland, whether you like it or not.
"The Dacian DIY Dilemma": Romanian immigrants have a habit of taking on ambitious DIY projects with all the determination of a Dacian warrior building a fortress. It's like they're convinced they can conquer any home improvement challenge armed only with a hammer, a roll of duct tape, and sheer force of will.
"The Transylvanian Time Warp": Romanian immigrants have a knack for showing up fashionably late to every event, as if they've just stepped out of a time machine set to "Romanian Standard Time." It's like they're living in a perpetual state of Dracula-induced daylight savings.
"The Dracula Dinner Dilemma": Romanian immigrants have a habit of insisting on cooking traditional dishes for every meal, even if it means subjecting you to garlic-laden feasts that could repel a vampire army. It's like they're on a mission to make sure you never get bitten (or kissed) again.
"The Carpathian Cartography Crisis": Romanian immigrants have an uncanny ability to navigate any city using only the stars and a vague sense of direction inherited from their nomadic ancestors. It's like they're channeling their inner Transylvanian gypsy with every wrong turn and missed exit.
"The Romanian Rhapsody Radio": Romanian immigrants have a peculiar taste in music, favoring traditional folk tunes and melancholic ballads that make you feel like you're stuck in a never-ending wedding reception. It's like they're determined to serenade you with the sounds of their homeland, whether you like it or not.
"The Dacian DIY Dilemma": Romanian immigrants have a habit of taking on ambitious DIY projects with all the determination of a Dacian warrior building a fortress. It's like they're convinced they can conquer any home improvement challenge armed only with a hammer, a roll of duct tape, and sheer force of will.
11 months ago
Better then early for anal
That shows a sort of eagerness people just aren't ready for.
Being punctual for butt stuff is a cornerstone of civilized society I always say (I keep getting told I should say something else) so I decided to share a few tenants of anal punctuality with you :
"The Punctual Pucker Principle": Being late for anal is like missing the last train out of Sphincterville—you're stuck waiting at the station while everyone else is already on their way to Pleasure Town. Who knew punctuality was the key to unlocking the backdoor to bliss?
"The Tardy Tushie Troubles": Showing up late for anal is like arriving at a party after the cake's been cut—you're left with nothing but crumbs and regret. Who needs a slice of cake when you could have had a slice of... well, you get the idea.
"The Chronically Clenched Cheeks Conundrum": Being late for anal is like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole—it's uncomfortable, awkward, and bound to end in disappointment. Who knew that being fashionably late could lead to a fashionably sore bum?
"The Missed Moment of Mastertail": Showing up late for anal is like missing the grand finale of a fireworks show—you're left watching from the sidelines while everyone else is oohing and aahing at the spectacular display. Who needs fireworks when you could have had a bootyful explosion of pleasure?
"The Delayed Derriere Dilemma": Being late for anal is like arriving at the airport after your flight has already taken off—you're left stranded at the gate with nothing but a boarding pass to nowhere. Who needs a vacation when you could have had a trip to the moon and back?
Being punctual for butt stuff is a cornerstone of civilized society I always say (I keep getting told I should say something else) so I decided to share a few tenants of anal punctuality with you :
"The Punctual Pucker Principle": Being late for anal is like missing the last train out of Sphincterville—you're stuck waiting at the station while everyone else is already on their way to Pleasure Town. Who knew punctuality was the key to unlocking the backdoor to bliss?
"The Tardy Tushie Troubles": Showing up late for anal is like arriving at a party after the cake's been cut—you're left with nothing but crumbs and regret. Who needs a slice of cake when you could have had a slice of... well, you get the idea.
"The Chronically Clenched Cheeks Conundrum": Being late for anal is like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole—it's uncomfortable, awkward, and bound to end in disappointment. Who knew that being fashionably late could lead to a fashionably sore bum?
"The Missed Moment of Mastertail": Showing up late for anal is like missing the grand finale of a fireworks show—you're left watching from the sidelines while everyone else is oohing and aahing at the spectacular display. Who needs fireworks when you could have had a bootyful explosion of pleasure?
"The Delayed Derriere Dilemma": Being late for anal is like arriving at the airport after your flight has already taken off—you're left stranded at the gate with nothing but a boarding pass to nowhere. Who needs a vacation when you could have had a trip to the moon and back?
11 months ago
A Mazderati The Best Car
You do you lady enjoy your Mazda. It's objectively better too or at least that's what our door dash guy who drives a tuned Mazda told us. We believe him and parot what he said on our site:
"The Speed Trap Trickster": A Mazda is better than a Maserati because while the Maserati might attract attention from speed traps, the Mazda can slip by unnoticed, like a stealthy ninja in the night. Who needs a flashy car when you can have a vehicle that's the ultimate getaway car?
"The Parking Predicament Paradox": A Mazda is better than a Maserati because you'll never have to worry about finding a parking spot big enough for your ego. Who needs valet parking when you can squeeze into a space like a contortionist?
"The Luxury Lamentation": A Mazda is better than a Maserati because while the Maserati might come with all the bells and whistles, the Mazda comes with the satisfaction of knowing you didn't break the bank just to impress your neighbors. Who needs leather seats when you can have peace of mind?
"The Maintenance Mystery": A Mazda is better than a Maserati because while the Maserati might require a second mortgage to cover maintenance costs, the Mazda's repairs are more affordable than a Netflix subscription. Who needs a mechanic when you can DIY with duct tape and hope?
"The Traffic Triumph": A Mazda is better than a Maserati because while the Maserati might turn heads in traffic, the Mazda can blend in like a chameleon, saving you from awkward encounters with aggressive admirers. Who needs paparazzi when you can be the master of disguise?
"The Speed Trap Trickster": A Mazda is better than a Maserati because while the Maserati might attract attention from speed traps, the Mazda can slip by unnoticed, like a stealthy ninja in the night. Who needs a flashy car when you can have a vehicle that's the ultimate getaway car?
"The Parking Predicament Paradox": A Mazda is better than a Maserati because you'll never have to worry about finding a parking spot big enough for your ego. Who needs valet parking when you can squeeze into a space like a contortionist?
"The Luxury Lamentation": A Mazda is better than a Maserati because while the Maserati might come with all the bells and whistles, the Mazda comes with the satisfaction of knowing you didn't break the bank just to impress your neighbors. Who needs leather seats when you can have peace of mind?
"The Maintenance Mystery": A Mazda is better than a Maserati because while the Maserati might require a second mortgage to cover maintenance costs, the Mazda's repairs are more affordable than a Netflix subscription. Who needs a mechanic when you can DIY with duct tape and hope?
"The Traffic Triumph": A Mazda is better than a Maserati because while the Maserati might turn heads in traffic, the Mazda can blend in like a chameleon, saving you from awkward encounters with aggressive admirers. Who needs paparazzi when you can be the master of disguise?
11 months ago
Betrayed by family
At least he fixed it. That's life with siblings for you. I never trust my litter mates...i mean human siblings ever! Here's some reasons to never trust your siblings!
They're professional thieves... of your favorite snacks: You hide your chocolate stash in the back of the pantry, but somehow your sibling always manages to sniff it out like a bloodhound and devour it before you even get a chance to enjoy a single piece.
They're the ultimate backstabbers: You confide in them about your crush, and the next thing you know, they're cozying up to them like a long-lost friend, leaving you in the dust of their betrayal.
They're diabolical strategists: You innocently agree to a game of Monopoly, only to find out your sibling has been secretly hoarding all the prime properties and plotting your financial ruin since the game began. They don't just want to win; they want to see you suffer.
They're the kings/queens of gaslighting: You swear you left your phone charging on the kitchen counter, but your sibling insists they saw you take it to your room. Suddenly, you're questioning your own sanity, all thanks to their expert manipulation tactics.
They're the ultimate pranksters with no mercy: You fall asleep with one eye open because you know if you let your guard down, your sibling will strike with a vengeance. From freezing your toothpaste to replacing your shampoo with maple syrup, there's no limit to their cruelty.
They're professional thieves... of your favorite snacks: You hide your chocolate stash in the back of the pantry, but somehow your sibling always manages to sniff it out like a bloodhound and devour it before you even get a chance to enjoy a single piece.
They're the ultimate backstabbers: You confide in them about your crush, and the next thing you know, they're cozying up to them like a long-lost friend, leaving you in the dust of their betrayal.
They're diabolical strategists: You innocently agree to a game of Monopoly, only to find out your sibling has been secretly hoarding all the prime properties and plotting your financial ruin since the game began. They don't just want to win; they want to see you suffer.
They're the kings/queens of gaslighting: You swear you left your phone charging on the kitchen counter, but your sibling insists they saw you take it to your room. Suddenly, you're questioning your own sanity, all thanks to their expert manipulation tactics.
They're the ultimate pranksters with no mercy: You fall asleep with one eye open because you know if you let your guard down, your sibling will strike with a vengeance. From freezing your toothpaste to replacing your shampoo with maple syrup, there's no limit to their cruelty.
11 months ago
Fatima has no chill
Sidewalks won't protect you from Fatima.
Fatima we have your back we've brainstormed a few thematic funerals you could organize
The Fiesta Farewell: Fatima throws a funeral fiesta with mariachi bands, piñatas, and a taco truck for mourners to enjoy. Who says funerals can't be spicy?
The DIY Dirge: Fatima crafts personalized coffins from recycled materials for each guest to decorate. It's a funeral with a creative twist!
The Taco Tombstone: Fatima serves up a taco bar at the wake, because nothing says farewell like a mouthful of guacamole.
The Pirate's Plunder: Fatima hosts a pirate-themed funeral with treasure hunts and a ceremonial plank walk for the departed. Arr, matey – it's time to say goodbye in style!
The Bollywood Farewell: Fatima choreographs a dance routine for mourners to perform as a tribute to the deceased. It's a funeral fit for a Bollywood star!
Fatima we have your back we've brainstormed a few thematic funerals you could organize
The Fiesta Farewell: Fatima throws a funeral fiesta with mariachi bands, piñatas, and a taco truck for mourners to enjoy. Who says funerals can't be spicy?
The DIY Dirge: Fatima crafts personalized coffins from recycled materials for each guest to decorate. It's a funeral with a creative twist!
The Taco Tombstone: Fatima serves up a taco bar at the wake, because nothing says farewell like a mouthful of guacamole.
The Pirate's Plunder: Fatima hosts a pirate-themed funeral with treasure hunts and a ceremonial plank walk for the departed. Arr, matey – it's time to say goodbye in style!
The Bollywood Farewell: Fatima choreographs a dance routine for mourners to perform as a tribute to the deceased. It's a funeral fit for a Bollywood star!
11 months ago
Car guy behaviour
Thanks man really cool please drive me to my destination now, we don't care about your car here are 5 reasons why:
"The Yawn-Inducing Yaris Effect: Sure, your car may be your pride and joy, but to everyone else, it's just another mundane mode of transportation. No matter how many times you wax poetic about its impressive fuel efficiency or spacious cup holders, the response is always the same: a collective yawn and a polite nod of indifference.
"The Ego-Eclipsing SUV Syndrome: Your car may be big and bold, but so is everyone else's ego. No matter how many times you rev your engine or flaunt your oversized wheels, you're just another speck in a sea of oversized vehicles. Sorry to burst your bubble, but there's no room for bragging rights in the carpool lane.
"The Luxury Lemon Letdown: Ah, the sweet smell of leather upholstery and the satisfying click of a closing door—too bad it's all just a facade. Despite your best efforts to impress with your luxury vehicle, everyone sees through the charade and recognizes your car for what it truly is: a glorified lemon with a hefty price tag.
"The Attention-Deficit Accord Affliction: No matter how flashy your car may be, it's no match for the short attention spans of today's society. One moment you're the talk of the town with your sleek new ride, and the next, you're yesterday's news as everyone moves on to the next big thing. Sorry, but your fifteen minutes of automotive fame are up.
"The Envy-Inducing Ego Eraser: Congratulations, you've succeeded in making everyone else feel slightly better about their own subpar vehicles. Your incessant bragging about horsepower and torque has only served to highlight the glaring inadequacies of your personality, leaving everyone else feeling grateful for their humble rides and unassuming egos. Thanks for the reality check, champ.
"The Yawn-Inducing Yaris Effect: Sure, your car may be your pride and joy, but to everyone else, it's just another mundane mode of transportation. No matter how many times you wax poetic about its impressive fuel efficiency or spacious cup holders, the response is always the same: a collective yawn and a polite nod of indifference.
"The Ego-Eclipsing SUV Syndrome: Your car may be big and bold, but so is everyone else's ego. No matter how many times you rev your engine or flaunt your oversized wheels, you're just another speck in a sea of oversized vehicles. Sorry to burst your bubble, but there's no room for bragging rights in the carpool lane.
"The Luxury Lemon Letdown: Ah, the sweet smell of leather upholstery and the satisfying click of a closing door—too bad it's all just a facade. Despite your best efforts to impress with your luxury vehicle, everyone sees through the charade and recognizes your car for what it truly is: a glorified lemon with a hefty price tag.
"The Attention-Deficit Accord Affliction: No matter how flashy your car may be, it's no match for the short attention spans of today's society. One moment you're the talk of the town with your sleek new ride, and the next, you're yesterday's news as everyone moves on to the next big thing. Sorry, but your fifteen minutes of automotive fame are up.
"The Envy-Inducing Ego Eraser: Congratulations, you've succeeded in making everyone else feel slightly better about their own subpar vehicles. Your incessant bragging about horsepower and torque has only served to highlight the glaring inadequacies of your personality, leaving everyone else feeling grateful for their humble rides and unassuming egos. Thanks for the reality check, champ.
11 months ago
The negotiator
Not the good one just A negotiator
He should try these strategies next
The "Reverse Psychology Ruse": Start negotiations by loudly declaring that you don't want what the other party is offering. Then sit back and wait for them to beg you to take it – because who wouldn't want something that nobody else wants, right?
The "Silent Treatment Tactic": Refuse to say a word during negotiations, hoping the awkward silence will make the other party so uncomfortable that they'll give in just to break the tension. After all, negotiation is just a game of chicken, right?
The "Bulldozer Blitz": Steamroll over the other party with aggressive demands and unreasonable ultimatums, assuming they'll be so intimidated that they'll agree to anything just to make you stop. Who needs compromise when you have brute force?
The "Complimentary Conundrum": Shower the other party with excessive compliments and flattery, hoping they'll be so flattered that they'll forget all about the actual terms of the negotiation. Who needs substance when you have charm?
The "Ultimate Bluffing Blunder": Make outrageous claims and promises during negotiations, assuming the other party will be too gullible to see through your bluff. After all, negotiation is just a high-stakes game of poker, right?
He should try these strategies next
The "Reverse Psychology Ruse": Start negotiations by loudly declaring that you don't want what the other party is offering. Then sit back and wait for them to beg you to take it – because who wouldn't want something that nobody else wants, right?
The "Silent Treatment Tactic": Refuse to say a word during negotiations, hoping the awkward silence will make the other party so uncomfortable that they'll give in just to break the tension. After all, negotiation is just a game of chicken, right?
The "Bulldozer Blitz": Steamroll over the other party with aggressive demands and unreasonable ultimatums, assuming they'll be so intimidated that they'll agree to anything just to make you stop. Who needs compromise when you have brute force?
The "Complimentary Conundrum": Shower the other party with excessive compliments and flattery, hoping they'll be so flattered that they'll forget all about the actual terms of the negotiation. Who needs substance when you have charm?
The "Ultimate Bluffing Blunder": Make outrageous claims and promises during negotiations, assuming the other party will be too gullible to see through your bluff. After all, negotiation is just a high-stakes game of poker, right?
11 months ago
What are the odds?
Technically not a serial killer if you're on your first victim
If statistic boggle you try these ways of serial killer avoidance
The "Netflix Defense":
"Busy binge-watching crime shows. No time for real-life serial killers!"
The "Safe Spaces" Strategy:
"Only hang out in well-lit, crowded areas. Serial killers prefer dark alleys."
The "Boring Target" Theory:
"Too dull to attract a serial killer's attention. My sock drawer is my most exciting hobby!"
The "No-Stalker Zone" Zone:
"Carry a 'no serial killers allowed' sign. It's like a force field, but for creeps."
The "Murder-Free Mondays" Mantra:
"Strict 'no-serial-killers-on-Mondays' policy. It's in my calendar!"
If statistic boggle you try these ways of serial killer avoidance
The "Netflix Defense":
"Busy binge-watching crime shows. No time for real-life serial killers!"
The "Safe Spaces" Strategy:
"Only hang out in well-lit, crowded areas. Serial killers prefer dark alleys."
The "Boring Target" Theory:
"Too dull to attract a serial killer's attention. My sock drawer is my most exciting hobby!"
The "No-Stalker Zone" Zone:
"Carry a 'no serial killers allowed' sign. It's like a force field, but for creeps."
The "Murder-Free Mondays" Mantra:
"Strict 'no-serial-killers-on-Mondays' policy. It's in my calendar!"
