animals

Kitty going "purrr"

The wisdom of DOG is endless

His only accommodation being a bear cage this diabetes tempting furry friend requires a hug! here are some reasons why the fat racoon needs cuddling from you NOW :

"The Fluffy Friendship Fiasco": Hugging a fat, overweight raccoon is like cuddling a living, breathing teddy bear. Sure, they might have a few extra pounds, but that just means there's more raccoon to love—and who could resist snuggling up to all that fuzzy goodness?

"The Chunky Cheek Charade": Have you ever seen a raccoon with chubby cheeks? It's like the marshmallow version of a woodland critter. Hugging one is like squeezing a plush pillow, except this pillow has adorable little hands and a mischievous glint in its eye.

"The Round Rascal Rendezvous": Fat raccoons are like the fluffy marshmallows in a bowl of Lucky Charms—irresistibly squishy and oh-so-huggable. Plus, who doesn't love a little extra cushion for the raccoon pushin'?

"The Rubenesque Raccoon Romance": Hugging a fat, overweight raccoon is like embracing the spirit of self-love. It's a celebration of curves and cuddles, a testament to the beauty of embracing your natural raccoon-esque physique.

"The Plump Pal Parade": Fat raccoons are the life of the party, waddling around with their chubby bellies and infectious enthusiasm. Hugging one is like joining a fluffy parade of adorableness, complete with squishy hugs and playful nibbles. Who could resist joining the fun?

Squirrel would get bored too unlike this persons friend who enjoys whimsical facts and questions in the middle of the night. As a person with as many friends as Zoidberg from Futurama I'd take a dead rat if it offered me any sort of companionship and warmth so I'm inclined to say having a friend who bothers you at 2 30 am is a good thing. Here's 5 reasons why:

"The Insomnia Improv": Who needs sleep when you have friends who turn late-night chats into impromptu comedy shows? With their hilarious antics and never-ending banter, they'll have you laughing until the wee hours of the morning—and who needs sleep when you're having this much fun?

"The Midnight Munchies Madness": When your friends are night owls, every midnight snack run turns into a culinary adventure. Whether it's raiding the fridge for leftovers or embarking on a quest for the perfect slice of pizza, they'll keep your stomach—and your spirits—satisfied well past bedtime.

"The Slumber Party Shakedown": With friends who keep you up at night, every sleepover is an epic saga of secrets, silliness, and shared memories. From pillow fights to prank calls, they turn mundane evenings into unforgettable adventures—and who needs sleep when you're busy making memories?

"The Twilight Time Travelers": With friends who keep you up at night, every conversation is a journey through time and space. From debating the meaning of life to dissecting the plot holes in your favorite movies, they'll take you on a whirlwind tour of the universe—and who needs sleep when you're busy exploring the cosmos?

"The Insomniac Innovators": When your friends are night owls, every late-night brainstorming session is a stroke of genius waiting to happen. With their creative energy and boundless enthusiasm, they'll inspire you to dream bigger, laugh louder, and stay up way past your bedtime—and who needs sleep when you're busy changing the world?

Produces poop not radiation though they have many similarities asides from the color black. Here's a fewof them:

"The Hide-and-Seek Hilarity": "Because just like a black hole, a black dog has a knack for disappearing into the shadows when you least expect it. One moment they're right beside you, and the next, they've vanished into the void—leaving you wondering if they've been sucked into another dimension."

"The Vacuum of Voraciousness": "Because much like a black hole's insatiable appetite for matter, a black dog seems to have a bottomless pit for treats and belly rubs. No matter how much you feed them or how many toys you throw their way, they always seem to want more—just like the gravitational pull of a black hole."

"The Cosmic Canine Connection": "Because both black holes and black dogs have a mysterious allure that draws you in, leaving you mesmerized by their dark depths. Whether it's the infinite expanse of space or the soulful eyes of a furry friend, there's something about the color black that sparks curiosity and wonder."

"The Darkness Dilemma": "Because much like the event horizon of a black hole, a black dog's fur seems to absorb all the light around them—making them appear as if they're floating in a sea of darkness. It's like having your very own cosmic companion right here on Earth."

"The Singularity of Silliness": "Because while black holes may be the most mysterious objects in the universe, black dogs are the goofiest creatures on the planet. Whether they're chasing their tail, barking at their own reflection, or simply lounging in a sunbeam, they remind us that even the darkest corners of the cosmos can be filled with light-hearted laughter."

Make your life less MID by sharing a meme with friends. Though you should strive to fix it if it's MID but if you can't do that then why not have a crisis. Here's some reasons why you can have a crisis if you life is MID :

"The Midlife Mediocrity Mayhem": "Because when your life hits 'MID,' it's like getting stuck in the slow lane of the highway to success. You're neither zooming ahead nor pulling over for a pit stop—you're just cruising along at a comfortable, yet comically average, speed."

"The Midlife Mullet Metaphor": "Because hitting 'MID' in life is like discovering you've been living with a metaphorical mullet this whole time—business in the front, party in the back, and a whole lot of regret in between. It's time to grab the scissors and trim away the excess mediocrity."

"The Midlife Muffin Mishap": "Because when your life reaches 'MID,' it's like biting into a muffin only to discover it's all bran and no blueberries—a bland and uneventful experience that leaves you craving something more satisfying. It's time to trade in the bran for some sprinkles and start living your life like it's frosted with fun."

"The Midlife Muppet Meltdown": "Because hitting 'MID' in life is like starring in your own personal episode of 'Sesame Street'—you're stuck in a loop of learning the same lessons over and over again, surrounded by colorful characters but never quite reaching the big finale. It's time to break free from the puppet strings and write your own script."

"The Midlife Meatloaf Misadventure": "Because when your life is stuck in 'MID,' it's like eating meatloaf for dinner every night—reliable, but hardly exciting. It's time to spice things up, throw caution to the wind, and trade in the meatloaf for something a little more exotic. After all, variety is the spice of life, even if it means risking indigestion."

A very steep price to pay for anything in life. Here's a few reasons why the mention of free drugs would get some people clambering to put on their murrsuit:

The Fuzzy Freebies Fantasy: They heard furries get complimentary doses of "Furrycillin" to cure their existential woes, but little do they know it's just a placebo disguised as a fluffy tail.

The "Furry Friends Forever" Fairy Tale: They believe joining the furry community comes with a lifetime supply of free hugs, but soon discover it's more like a never-ending game of "hide and seek" with sweaty strangers in mascot costumes.

The Psychedelic Paw-ty Perk: Rumor has it furries have access to a secret stash of mind-altering substances called "Euphorifur," but it turns out it's just catnip and cheap glitter.

The Plushie Paradise Promise: They've been promised a plushie paradise where the streets are lined with cuddly companions, but soon realize it's just a marketing ploy to sell overpriced teddy bears and novelty tail-shaped butt plugs.

The "Furry Fandom FOMO" Fallacy: They're lured in by the promise of exclusive access to the hottest furry events and parties, only to discover that the only thing on the menu is lukewarm Mountain Dew and lukewarmer conversations about anthropomorphic Sonic fan art.

Wearing his birthday suit everywhere and should never be ashamed of doing so! Here's a few reasons why dogs should keep being shamelessly naked:

The Furless Fashion: "Because dogs should embrace their birthday suits—it's the original designer wear that never goes out of style. Plus, who needs clothes when you've got a natural fur coat that's always in vogue?"

The Canine Catwalk: "Because dogs are the original fashionistas, strutting their stuff down the sidewalk like it's their own personal runway. Who needs haute couture when you've got a wagging tail and a confident strut?"

The Naked Naptime: "Because dogs know that being naked means never having to worry about getting tangled up in pajamas during a midday snooze. Embrace the au naturel lifestyle and enjoy naptime in all its naked glory!"

The Fetching Freedom: "Because dogs understand that clothes are just unnecessary accessories getting in the way of a good game of fetch. Who needs pants when you've got a ball to chase and a tail to wag?"

The Bare Bones Brilliance: "Because dogs know that being naked means never having to stress about wardrobe malfunctions or getting caught in the rain with soggy clothes. It's all about embracing your inner pup and enjoying life in the buff!"

Clarifying that was extremely important. The vet does not want a kitty BJ and here's a few reasons why:

The Paws and Perversion: "Because while cats may have a reputation for grooming themselves, that's where we draw the line—nobody wants a 'meow-massage' from their feline friend, especially not in the vet's office!"

The Furball Fiasco: "Because getting a tongue bath from your cat is one thing, but letting them go to town on your nether regions is a whole other ballgame—literally. Plus, who wants to explain those scratch marks to their significant other?"

The Scratching Post Scandal: "Because cats may have rough tongues, but that's no excuse for them to treat the vet's genitalia like a scratching post. It's a vet's office, not a feline fetish dungeon!"

The Hairball Horror: "Because if there's one thing worse than a hairball, it's a hairball in the wrong place—like, say, your vet's crotch. Nobody wants to deal with that mess, not even the most dedicated cat lover."

The Kitty Catastrophe: "Because while cats may be curious creatures, there are some things they're better off not exploring—like the vet's private parts. Let's leave the 'pussyfooting' to the professionals, shall we?"

Better eat your words before a bear eats you, speaking of which here are 5 ways an insulted scorned bear could catch and eat you!

It invites you to a "friendly" game of tag: You think you're safe as you dart through the trees, until you realize the bear's version of tag involves a lot more teeth and claws.

It challenges you to a dance-off: You accept the challenge, thinking you've got some slick moves. Little do you know, the bear's idea of dancing involves a quick tango followed by a snack—guess who's the appetizer?

It offers to give you a piggyback ride: You hop on its back, feeling triumphant... until you realize the destination is its den, and you're the main course.

It suggests a game of hide-and-seek: You find what you think is the perfect hiding spot behind a bush, only to realize too late that it's the bear's favorite nap spot.

It asks for a selfie together: You eagerly pull out your phone, ready to capture the moment. Just as you strike a pose, the bear's jaws close around you, making for a truly unforgettable photo op (for the bear, at least).

The dog is going to be an uncle. And a great one at that, possibly the best! Here are some reasons why a dog would be the ultimate uncle:

"Expert Toy Tester": Dogs excel at testing the durability of toys, making them the perfect uncles for rambunctious nieces and nephews. With their unmatched enthusiasm for destruction, they'll ensure that only the toughest toys survive the playtime gauntlet.

"Master of Nap Time Negotiations": Need a break from babysitting duty? Leave it to your canine uncle to handle nap time negotiations with finesse. With a few well-timed yawns and a cozy spot on the couch, they'll have your little ones snoozing in no time—leaving you free to catch up on your own beauty sleep.

"Chief Snack Supervisor": When it comes to snack time, your dog uncle takes his role as chief snack supervisor very seriously. With a keen nose for treats and a talent for begging, he'll ensure that your little ones never go hungry—whether it's sharing his own stash of biscuits or liberating snacks from unsuspecting hands.

"The Ultimate Hide-and-Seek Partner": Dogs are experts at hide-and-seek, making them the ultimate partners in crime for your little adventurers. With their keen sense of smell and boundless energy, they'll turn every game of hide-and-seek into an epic adventure—whether they're hiding in plain sight or leading the search party.

"Masters of the Paw-some Pupdate": Your dog uncle is always up to date on the latest gossip in the neighborhood—whether it's the latest squirrel sightings or the juiciest gossip from the local dog park. With their keen sense of curiosity and unmatched ability to sniff out secrets, they'll keep your little ones entertained for hours with their paw-some pupdates.

Every share this gets i will pet a cat and feed it too. This dog though! Amazing glorious! We've asked a dog who can speak English eloquently and he told us why that dog deserves to be petted:

"Master of the Belly Rub": This dog has perfected the art of the belly rub, transforming even the most stoic humans into enthusiastic belly rubbers. With their expertly executed rolls and irresistible puppy dog eyes, they're the undisputed champion of the belly rub game.

"Chief Snuggle Officer": Need a cuddle buddy? Look no further than this dog, who holds the prestigious title of Chief Snuggle Officer. With their fluffy fur and warm demeanor, they're guaranteed to turn even the coldest hearts into mush with just one snuggle.

"Professional Treat Taste Tester": This dog takes their job as a treat taste tester very seriously. With their discerning palate and unwavering commitment to quality control, they're the ultimate authority on all things tasty—and they're always willing to share their findings with anyone who's willing to pet them.

"Mistress of the Slobber Kiss": Who needs a slobbery kiss from a prince when you can get one from this adorable pooch? With their expertly executed slobber kisses and wagging tail, they're guaranteed to make even the most mundane moments feel like a fairy tale.

"The Zen Master of Fetch": This dog approaches the game of fetch with the wisdom and grace of a Zen master. With their impeccable aim and unwavering focus, they're the ultimate fetch companion—always ready to retrieve the ball and bring it back for another round of fun.

*chuckles* I'm in danger. Though it's clear it's too late for this guy keep these methods of Ursine SOS in mind if you're ever in this type of predicament :

"The Ursine SOS:" Use the classic international signal for distress—wave your arms frantically while shouting "Help! I'm being held hostage by a bear!" Bonus points if you can incorporate some interpretive dance moves to really drive your point home.

"The Bear-y Obvious Distress Call:" If you're lucky enough to have access to your phone, send a text to your friends and family with the urgent message "SOS: Bear-napped! Send help ASAP!" It might sound like a joke, but trust us—nobody wants to mess with a bear.

"The Morse Code Mauling:" If you're feeling creative (and you happen to know Morse code), use your flashlight to send an SOS signal in bear language. Just be sure to brush up on your bear dialect first—you don't want to accidentally insult their intelligence.

"The Subtle Scream:" If all else fails, resort to the tried-and-true method of screaming your head off while flailing wildly. Sure, it might not be the most subtle approach, but desperate times call for desperate measures—and nothing says "I'm being held hostage by a bear" like a blood-curdling scream.

"The Bear-y Detailed Sign Language:" If you're a master of nonverbal communication, use your hands to signal for help in bear language. Wave your arms in a frantic manner while making exaggerated bear claw motions, and hope that someone nearby understands your plight—or at least calls animal control.

I'm not a biologist so some of these might be true. Have some more Fox Facts we paid a disgraced biology professor on LSD to write for us :

"The Fox's Floral Fancies:" Foxes have a peculiar affinity for flowers, often seen frolicking in fields of daisies and tulips. Legend has it that they possess a secret language of flowers, using different blooms to convey messages to their woodland friends.

"The Fox's Fluffy Feathered Friends:" Foxes have a knack for befriending birds, forming unlikely alliances with feathered creatures of all shapes and sizes. It's said that they host bird tea parties in the forest, serving up treats and gossip with their avian companions.

"The Fox's Musical Mastery:" Foxes are natural musicians, often serenading the forest with their melodious tunes. Legend has it that they play enchanted instruments crafted from twigs and leaves, mesmerizing listeners with their haunting melodies under the light of the moon.

"The Fox's Fine Arts Expertise:" Foxes are connoisseurs of the arts, often spotted admiring paintings and sculptures in the forest. It's said that they host impromptu art exhibitions, showcasing their own masterpieces and critiquing the works of other woodland creatures with an expert eye.

"The Fox's Fiery Festivals:" Foxes are known for their love of fireworks, hosting spectacular firework displays in the forest to celebrate special occasions. Legend has it that they choreograph intricate pyrotechnic performances, lighting up the night sky with bursts of color and light.

Those are People's NAMES my guy!
Here are five humorous reasons why you should give your dog a human name:

"Avoiding Awkward Introductions": Forget the confusion of shouting "Spot!" at the dog park and having five different pooches come running. With a human name like "Steve" or "Barbara," you'll never have to worry about mistaking someone else's furry friend for your own—or accidentally calling your neighbor by your dog's name.

"Elevating Their Social Status": Who says dogs can't be part of the upper crust? Give your furry friend a sophisticated moniker like "Geoffrey" or "Margaret," and suddenly they're hobnobbing with the best of them at canine cocktail parties and pooch pampering spas.

"Preventing Identity Crisis": Let's face it—being called "Fido" or "Rover" doesn't exactly scream individuality. Give your dog a human name, and suddenly they're not just another face in the doggy crowd—they're a unique and irreplaceable member of the family, complete with their own quirks and personality traits.

"Confusing the Vet": Nothing keeps your veterinarian on their toes like trying to decipher the medical records of a patient named "Gary" or "Jessica." With a human name, your dog becomes the ultimate mystery to unravel—a furry enigma wrapped in a puzzle wrapped in a fur coat.

"Expanding Their Career Opportunities": Who says dogs can't have a nine-to-five job? With a human name like "Kevin" or "Samantha," your pooch could be the next canine CEO, leading boardroom meetings and barking out orders like a pro. Just don't forget to pack their briefcase and power tie!

He realized he didn't do his best, so we did it for them, here are some suggestions on how to never see your cat sad:

Daily Dance Parties: Crank up the tunes and bust out your best feline-friendly moves. Who could be sad when surrounded by groovy beats and enthusiastic twirls?

Laser Light Olympics: Transform your living room into a laser-filled wonderland, complete with obstacle courses and high-flying acrobatics. It's a guaranteed way to keep your kitty entertained and their spirits soaring.

Treat Treasure Hunts: Hide treats throughout the house and watch as your cat turns into a furry detective, sniffing out each delicious clue with unbridled enthusiasm. Bonus points for incorporating pirate-themed attire.

Catnip Spa Days: Treat your cat to a luxurious spa experience with catnip-infused toys, cozy blankets, and soothing massages. Because nothing says relaxation like a pampered purr-ball lounging in style.

Customized Cat Cartoons: Commission a series of personalized cartoons starring your cat as the hero of their own adventure. From daring escapades to epic battles with the dreaded red dot, it's sure to keep your kitty's spirits high and their tail twitching with excitement.

Driving his tiny spider mech, maybe all bunnies should have a mech?
Let's get Raytheon on the horn and make them build something useful for once>
These reasons should convince your local senator to vote YES on the bunny MECH BILL

"To Combat the Carrot Shortage Crisis": With their insatiable appetite for carrots, bunnies are at risk of depleting our global carrot reserves. Equipping them with government-subsidized mechs not only helps them reach carrot fields faster but also ensures they have the firepower to protect their precious veggie stash from would-be thieves.

"Bunny Rush Hour Traffic Jams": Picture it: rows of adorable bunnies piloting miniature mechs during rush hour, hopping along at a snail's pace while munching on snacks and occasionally engaging in mech-sized road rage. It's like a scene straight out of a whimsical anime—complete with bunnies in bowties.

"Mechanical Hopping Competitions": Move over, Olympics—there's a new sporting event in town! With their newfound mechs, bunnies can participate in high-stakes hopping competitions, complete with obstacle courses and gravity-defying stunts. Who needs gold medals when you've got carrots at the finish line?

"Defense Against the Invasion of Giant Carrot Monsters": We all know the real threat to society: giant carrot monsters rising from the depths of the earth to wreak havoc on our vegetable patches. By arming bunnies with mechs, we're preparing them for the ultimate showdown against these orange behemoths. It's a battle of epic proportions—and only the bunnies can save us.

"To Establish a Bunny Mech Delivery Service": Tired of waiting for your packages to arrive? Fear not—bunny mechs are here to save the day! With their lightning-fast delivery service, you'll never have to wait more than a hop, skip, and a jump for your Amazon Prime orders again. Plus, who wouldn't want to receive a package from a bunny in a mech suit?

The circle of life is just a weird shape in Australia.
We spruced it up to include dishes for human consumption, why should this cow get all the venom?

"Kangaroo Kickstart Surprise": A hearty kangaroo steak marinated in venomous snake sauce, served with a side of crocodile fritters and a 'Redback' spider web salad, guaranteed to give you a kick like a kangaroo in the outback.

"Shark Attack Sushi Roll": A daring dish featuring tiger shark nigiri, topped with spicy jellyfish tentacles and served with a side of 'Great Barrier Reef' seaweed salad. Just be sure to watch out for those sharp teeth!

"Dingo's Dinner Delight": A wild game platter featuring emu drumsticks, served with a side of diced Tasmanian devil chili and a 'Stingray Surprise' dipping sauce, sure to give you a taste of the Aussie outback.

"Crocodile Crunch Croissant": A flaky croissant stuffed with crispy crocodile tail meat, topped with diced saltwater crocodile eggs and a dollop of 'Saltwater Surprise' mayo. It's a snappy way to start your day!

"Box Jellyfish Jellybeans": A sweet and tangy dessert featuring jellybean-shaped candies infused with the essence of deadly box jellyfish, served with a side of 'Blue Ringed Octopus' parfait for a truly electrifying experience.

They look like they're having fun!
I'd love to go so I imagined up some reasons why I want to:

"Pawsitively Un-Bear-Lievable Snacks": Where else can you indulge in a buffet of salmon sushi, honey-glazed donuts, and picnic baskets overflowing with goodies? At a bear party, the snacks are as wild and unpredictable as the guests!

"Bearly Legal Dance Moves": From the cha-cha-cha to the electric slide, there's no shortage of hilariously mismatched dance styles on display. Who needs rhythm when you've got the sheer joy of busting a move with your furry friends?

"Growling Good Conversations": Ever wanted to engage in deep philosophical debates with a bear? At a bear party, anything goes! Whether you're discussing the merits of hibernation or the best technique for catching fish, you're guaranteed to have a roaring good time.

"Bear-aoke Battle Royale": Step up to the mic and unleash your inner diva with a round of bear-aoke! From classic hits to campfire sing-alongs, there's no shortage of opportunities to belt out your favorite tunes and earn the admiration of your ursine audience.

"Fur-ocious Fashion Showdown": Who wore it best: the grizzly in the flannel shirt or the polar bear in the Hawaiian shirt and shades? At a bear party, fashion takes a backseat to pure, unadulterated hilarity. Embrace your wild side and let your outfit roar!

This bear doesn't look enthused by the door between him and his breakfast
The bear should have tried a lie to get inside the easy way here are some

The "Bearly Hungry" Fib:
"Hey, I'm just a humble bear looking for a place to hibernate for the winter. I promise I won't eat all your food – maybe just a small snack or two. Bears honor!"

The "Fur-tunate Fortune Teller" Fabrication:
"I'm actually a psychic bear, and my crystal ball told me that your home is the perfect spot for me to find my soulmate. Don't worry, I won't disturb your tarot card readings – unless you have honey-flavored cards, of course!"

The "Pawsitively Polite" Porkie:
"Excuse me, kind sir/madam, would you mind terribly if I came in for a spot of tea? I promise I'll wipe my paws before entering and refrain from scratching the furniture. I'm practically house-trained!"

The "Faux Fur" Falsehood:
"Believe it or not, I'm actually just a really convincing bear costume. My human friends dared me to prank someone by pretending to be a real bear, and your home seemed like the perfect target. Don't worry, no bears were harmed in the making of this prank!"

The "Bear-y Secret Admirer" Bluff:
"I've been watching you from afar and couldn't help but admire your impeccable taste in home decor. I just had to come in and see it up close! Plus, I heard you have a killer collection of honey – mind if I take a peek?"