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2 years ago
If it fits use it
Hope they cleaned it before though. Practical , so we though maybe there are more things you can use sex toys that DON'T involve sex! After all why not get all use out of them!
Here are 5 funny sex toy life hacks:
"The Silent Alarm Clock": Forget about noisy alarms—set your vibrating sex toy to wake you up with a gentle buzz. Just make sure to position it strategically so it doesn't roll off the nightstand and disappear under the bed!
"The Hands-Free Selfie Stick": Need to take a hands-free selfie? Attach your smartphone to a suction cup dildo for the perfect angle every time. Just be prepared for some interesting looks if you accidentally leave it on your desk at work.
"The DIY Massager": Can't find your back massager? No problem! Grab your trusty vibrator and give yourself a relaxing massage. Just make sure to switch it back to its original purpose before your partner gets home.
"The Emergency Candle Holder": Out of candle holders for your romantic dinner? No worries! Just stick a tapered candle in the base of your dildo and let the mood lighting begin. It's sure to set the mood for a memorable evening.
"The Secret Stash": Need a discreet hiding spot for your valuables? Hollow out a dildo and use it as a secret stash container. Just don't forget where you put it—or you might end up with a surprise during your next round of spring cleaning!
Here are 5 funny sex toy life hacks:
"The Silent Alarm Clock": Forget about noisy alarms—set your vibrating sex toy to wake you up with a gentle buzz. Just make sure to position it strategically so it doesn't roll off the nightstand and disappear under the bed!
"The Hands-Free Selfie Stick": Need to take a hands-free selfie? Attach your smartphone to a suction cup dildo for the perfect angle every time. Just be prepared for some interesting looks if you accidentally leave it on your desk at work.
"The DIY Massager": Can't find your back massager? No problem! Grab your trusty vibrator and give yourself a relaxing massage. Just make sure to switch it back to its original purpose before your partner gets home.
"The Emergency Candle Holder": Out of candle holders for your romantic dinner? No worries! Just stick a tapered candle in the base of your dildo and let the mood lighting begin. It's sure to set the mood for a memorable evening.
"The Secret Stash": Need a discreet hiding spot for your valuables? Hollow out a dildo and use it as a secret stash container. Just don't forget where you put it—or you might end up with a surprise during your next round of spring cleaning!
2 years ago
Temporary potato holder
A job offer for his tremendous language skills so naturally we came up with 5 more but none can match this memes gusto for language...we ran out of glue to huff today
"Vegetable Vigilante": Take aim and launch your way to victory with this veggie-powered marvel! Whether you're warding off garden pests or staging a backyard showdown, the Vegetable Vigilante is your trusty sidekick in all things green.
"Spud Slinger Supreme": Get ready to sling some serious spuds with this high-powered contraption! With its pneumatic prowess and precision engineering, the Spud Slinger Supreme is your ticket to potato-based glory.
"Tuber Tornado Twister": Brace yourself for a whirlwind of tuber-tossing fun! With the Tuber Tornado Twister, you'll be launching vegetables with the force of a hurricane, turning your backyard into a veritable potato paradise.
"Root Veggie Rocket Launcher": Blast off into the stratosphere with the Root Veggie Rocket Launcher! Whether you're aiming for the stars or just trying to impress your friends, this air-powered marvel is sure to send your veggies soaring.
"Starch-Powered Surprise Machine": Prepare to be amazed by the Starch-Powered Surprise Machine! With its ingenious design and potato-propelled propulsion system, you'll be unleashing a world of wonder in your backyard.
"Vegetable Vigilante": Take aim and launch your way to victory with this veggie-powered marvel! Whether you're warding off garden pests or staging a backyard showdown, the Vegetable Vigilante is your trusty sidekick in all things green.
"Spud Slinger Supreme": Get ready to sling some serious spuds with this high-powered contraption! With its pneumatic prowess and precision engineering, the Spud Slinger Supreme is your ticket to potato-based glory.
"Tuber Tornado Twister": Brace yourself for a whirlwind of tuber-tossing fun! With the Tuber Tornado Twister, you'll be launching vegetables with the force of a hurricane, turning your backyard into a veritable potato paradise.
"Root Veggie Rocket Launcher": Blast off into the stratosphere with the Root Veggie Rocket Launcher! Whether you're aiming for the stars or just trying to impress your friends, this air-powered marvel is sure to send your veggies soaring.
"Starch-Powered Surprise Machine": Prepare to be amazed by the Starch-Powered Surprise Machine! With its ingenious design and potato-propelled propulsion system, you'll be unleashing a world of wonder in your backyard.
1 year ago
2 years ago
Conflict of interest
Hopefully it was just academic. We have 5 more jobs a mortician should most likely avoid:
Wedding Planner: It might be a bit unsettling for clients to have their wedding plans overseen by someone who spends their days dealing with the deceased. Plus, the mortician's penchant for black might clash with the bride's vision of a white wedding.
Pet Groomer: While morticians are experts at preparing bodies for their final resting place, grooming fluffy pets might not be their forte. Clients might also be a tad unnerved if they catch a whiff of formaldehyde while their poodle gets a trim.
Food Critic: With their acute sense of smell, morticians might struggle to stomach some of the less-than-fragrant dishes they encounter on the job. Plus, their expertise in embalming might lead to some questionable food reviews, such as "This dish lacks flavor, much like an unembalmed corpse."
Haunted House Tour Guide: While morticians are accustomed to spending time in dark and eerie surroundings, they might inadvertently turn a haunted house tour into a lecture on proper embalming techniques. "And here we have the ghost of Mrs. McGillicuddy, who would have benefited greatly from a bit of arterial embalming..."
Cruise Ship Entertainer: While morticians have a knack for keeping a straight face in even the most somber of situations, their dry sense of humor might not always resonate with vacationers looking for lively entertainment. Plus, jokes about lifeboats and "sleeping with the fishes" might fall flat.
Wedding Planner: It might be a bit unsettling for clients to have their wedding plans overseen by someone who spends their days dealing with the deceased. Plus, the mortician's penchant for black might clash with the bride's vision of a white wedding.
Pet Groomer: While morticians are experts at preparing bodies for their final resting place, grooming fluffy pets might not be their forte. Clients might also be a tad unnerved if they catch a whiff of formaldehyde while their poodle gets a trim.
Food Critic: With their acute sense of smell, morticians might struggle to stomach some of the less-than-fragrant dishes they encounter on the job. Plus, their expertise in embalming might lead to some questionable food reviews, such as "This dish lacks flavor, much like an unembalmed corpse."
Haunted House Tour Guide: While morticians are accustomed to spending time in dark and eerie surroundings, they might inadvertently turn a haunted house tour into a lecture on proper embalming techniques. "And here we have the ghost of Mrs. McGillicuddy, who would have benefited greatly from a bit of arterial embalming..."
Cruise Ship Entertainer: While morticians have a knack for keeping a straight face in even the most somber of situations, their dry sense of humor might not always resonate with vacationers looking for lively entertainment. Plus, jokes about lifeboats and "sleeping with the fishes" might fall flat.
1 year ago
2 years ago
Ignore the red flags at your own peril
This one is also a fail and because it is we're giving you 5 reasons why you shouldn't get your crazy stalker ex pregnant:
"Because your family tree shouldn't resemble a horror movie sequel—'The Stalker Strikes Back!'"
"Because 'baby daddy drama' should not be a recurring theme in your life—unless you're auditioning for a reality TV show."
"Because the only baby shower gift you'll need is a panic room installation kit."
"Because explaining to your child why they have three locks on their bedroom door might be a tad awkward."
"Because 'shotgun wedding' shouldn't be taken so literally—you've dodged enough bullets already!"
"Because your family tree shouldn't resemble a horror movie sequel—'The Stalker Strikes Back!'"
"Because 'baby daddy drama' should not be a recurring theme in your life—unless you're auditioning for a reality TV show."
"Because the only baby shower gift you'll need is a panic room installation kit."
"Because explaining to your child why they have three locks on their bedroom door might be a tad awkward."
"Because 'shotgun wedding' shouldn't be taken so literally—you've dodged enough bullets already!"
2 years ago
When strangers got our numbers phones got ruined
These days phone calls only mean bills or stress TBH! They suck and here's a few reasons why:
The Dial-Up Drama: "Because using a telephone is like trying to communicate with a carrier pigeon in the age of email—slow, outdated, and prone to dropping important messages mid-flight. Who has time for dial-up in a world of high-speed Wi-Fi?"
The Call of the Mild: "Because telephones are like a siren song luring you into a vortex of mundane conversations about the weather, Aunt Mildred's bunions, and the neighbor's new lawn mower. Who needs excitement when you can spend hours discussing grass growth rates?"
The Ringer Roulette: "Because telephones are like a game of Russian roulette—you never know if it's going to be a friendly chat with your best friend or a telemarketer trying to sell you the latest in kitchen appliance technology. Spoiler alert: it's usually the latter."
The Tangled Talker: "Because telephones are like a magician's trick gone wrong—one minute you're untangling a knot of cords, and the next, you're pulling a rabbit out of a hat. Who knew communication could be such a tangled mess?"
The Reception Rejection: "Because telephones are like a clingy ex who just won't take the hint—you try to ghost them, but they keep ringing back, desperate for attention. Who needs constant interruptions when you're trying to binge-watch your favorite TV show in peace?"
The Dial-Up Drama: "Because using a telephone is like trying to communicate with a carrier pigeon in the age of email—slow, outdated, and prone to dropping important messages mid-flight. Who has time for dial-up in a world of high-speed Wi-Fi?"
The Call of the Mild: "Because telephones are like a siren song luring you into a vortex of mundane conversations about the weather, Aunt Mildred's bunions, and the neighbor's new lawn mower. Who needs excitement when you can spend hours discussing grass growth rates?"
The Ringer Roulette: "Because telephones are like a game of Russian roulette—you never know if it's going to be a friendly chat with your best friend or a telemarketer trying to sell you the latest in kitchen appliance technology. Spoiler alert: it's usually the latter."
The Tangled Talker: "Because telephones are like a magician's trick gone wrong—one minute you're untangling a knot of cords, and the next, you're pulling a rabbit out of a hat. Who knew communication could be such a tangled mess?"
The Reception Rejection: "Because telephones are like a clingy ex who just won't take the hint—you try to ghost them, but they keep ringing back, desperate for attention. Who needs constant interruptions when you're trying to binge-watch your favorite TV show in peace?"
