Register for a no ad experience.
1 year ago
Got caught on onlyfans
Deposit amount 7.21$. Or 50,000$ if she's actually good at it. Though the problem persists she got caught. Here's some top tier excuses to give your parents when they find out you made an OnlyFans:
"The Entrepreneurial Endeavor": "I'm just trying to diversify my portfolio, Mom and Dad! OnlyFans seemed like a more lucrative investment than the stock market—plus, I heard they're giving out signing bonuses."
"The Artistic Expression": "It's performance art, Dad. I'm exploring the intersection of nudity and existentialism, pushing the boundaries of society's expectations and challenging the notion of what it means to be human. Also, I needed rent money."
"The Catfish Caper": "I'm not actually on OnlyFans, Mom. Someone must have stolen my identity and set up a fake account using all my photos and personal information. It's a classic case of online impersonation—honestly, I'm flattered they think I'm hot enough to scam people."
"The Social Experiment": "I'm conducting a groundbreaking sociological study on the commodification of intimacy in the digital age. It's all in the name of science, Mom—I swear! Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to analyzing my subscriber demographics."
"The Digital Nomad Dream": "I've decided to quit my day job and become a full-time content creator, Dad. OnlyFans is just the beginning—I'm planning to expand into YouTube, Twitch, and maybe even TikTok if I can figure out how to dance. It's the millennial dream, really—working from home in my pajamas and getting paid to be myself."
"The Entrepreneurial Endeavor": "I'm just trying to diversify my portfolio, Mom and Dad! OnlyFans seemed like a more lucrative investment than the stock market—plus, I heard they're giving out signing bonuses."
"The Artistic Expression": "It's performance art, Dad. I'm exploring the intersection of nudity and existentialism, pushing the boundaries of society's expectations and challenging the notion of what it means to be human. Also, I needed rent money."
"The Catfish Caper": "I'm not actually on OnlyFans, Mom. Someone must have stolen my identity and set up a fake account using all my photos and personal information. It's a classic case of online impersonation—honestly, I'm flattered they think I'm hot enough to scam people."
"The Social Experiment": "I'm conducting a groundbreaking sociological study on the commodification of intimacy in the digital age. It's all in the name of science, Mom—I swear! Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to analyzing my subscriber demographics."
"The Digital Nomad Dream": "I've decided to quit my day job and become a full-time content creator, Dad. OnlyFans is just the beginning—I'm planning to expand into YouTube, Twitch, and maybe even TikTok if I can figure out how to dance. It's the millennial dream, really—working from home in my pajamas and getting paid to be myself."
1 year ago
You'll have lunch ready when she dumps you
Have a feeling she won't be happy with the gift
If you really want to get dumped try one of these
The "Meme Meltdown": Reply to all her messages with nothing but memes for a week straight. Bonus points if you exclusively use breakup-themed memes. Eventually, she might get the hint that you're "memes" apart.
The "Pet Peeve Parade": Compile a list of all her quirky habits and present it to her in the form of a PowerPoint presentation, complete with charts and graphs showing how they've driven you to the brink of insanity. She might decide you're too obsessed with data and charts to be boyfriend material.
The "Food Fiasco": Take her out for a romantic dinner and spend the entire time rating the food and service like a food critic. When she finally confronts you about it, tell her you're breaking up because she didn't order the recommended dish.
The "Tech Troubles": Create a fake virus alert on her computer that says, "Relationship.exe has stopped responding." When she asks you about it, tell her you can't be in a relationship with someone whose computer can't handle your love.
The "Songbird Serenade": Write her a breakup song and perform it at her family reunion in front of all her relatives. Bonus points if you recruit her grandma to play the tambourine. She might decide you're more interested in fame than her.
If you really want to get dumped try one of these
The "Meme Meltdown": Reply to all her messages with nothing but memes for a week straight. Bonus points if you exclusively use breakup-themed memes. Eventually, she might get the hint that you're "memes" apart.
The "Pet Peeve Parade": Compile a list of all her quirky habits and present it to her in the form of a PowerPoint presentation, complete with charts and graphs showing how they've driven you to the brink of insanity. She might decide you're too obsessed with data and charts to be boyfriend material.
The "Food Fiasco": Take her out for a romantic dinner and spend the entire time rating the food and service like a food critic. When she finally confronts you about it, tell her you're breaking up because she didn't order the recommended dish.
The "Tech Troubles": Create a fake virus alert on her computer that says, "Relationship.exe has stopped responding." When she asks you about it, tell her you can't be in a relationship with someone whose computer can't handle your love.
The "Songbird Serenade": Write her a breakup song and perform it at her family reunion in front of all her relatives. Bonus points if you recruit her grandma to play the tambourine. She might decide you're more interested in fame than her.
1 year ago
A strategic misstep
She probably suspects way worse now. I asked our intern Kyle to write 5 possible stories but since he's spent like 7 years in the bighouse they all came out jail related.
Yes we hire ex-cons take that ESG scores!
"The Mastermind Mishap": You were once known as the infamous "Socks Bandit" for stealing pairs of socks from every laundromat in town. Your girlfriend might think twice about leaving her favorite socks unattended now!
"The Great Escape Episode": You were briefly incarcerated for attempting to break out of an amusement park haunted house because you were convinced it was a real prison. Your girlfriend might worry about your problem-solving skills (or lack thereof) in sticky situations.
"The Celebrity Cellmate Caper": You once claimed to have been cellmates with a famous celebrity during your brief stint in jail, only to later admit it was just a cardboard cutout of them in the visitor's room. Your girlfriend might question your grasp on reality (and your taste in friends).
"The Tattoo Taboo": You got a tattoo in jail of your favorite cartoon character, only to realize too late that it was misspelled. Your girlfriend might wonder if you're still struggling with basic literacy (or just have a questionable taste in body art).
"The Prison Performance Ploy": You were briefly known as the "Singing Serenader" for your attempts to start a jailhouse boy band. Your girlfriend might be concerned about your career aspirations (and your singing voice).
Yes we hire ex-cons take that ESG scores!
"The Mastermind Mishap": You were once known as the infamous "Socks Bandit" for stealing pairs of socks from every laundromat in town. Your girlfriend might think twice about leaving her favorite socks unattended now!
"The Great Escape Episode": You were briefly incarcerated for attempting to break out of an amusement park haunted house because you were convinced it was a real prison. Your girlfriend might worry about your problem-solving skills (or lack thereof) in sticky situations.
"The Celebrity Cellmate Caper": You once claimed to have been cellmates with a famous celebrity during your brief stint in jail, only to later admit it was just a cardboard cutout of them in the visitor's room. Your girlfriend might question your grasp on reality (and your taste in friends).
"The Tattoo Taboo": You got a tattoo in jail of your favorite cartoon character, only to realize too late that it was misspelled. Your girlfriend might wonder if you're still struggling with basic literacy (or just have a questionable taste in body art).
"The Prison Performance Ploy": You were briefly known as the "Singing Serenader" for your attempts to start a jailhouse boy band. Your girlfriend might be concerned about your career aspirations (and your singing voice).
1 year ago
Him and his pokemans
Someone's getting taken out of the will...at least he has a shiny Magikarp. But let's be frank here Pokemon are more important then job interviews! Here's a few reasons why:
Gotta Catch 'Em All, Even Unemployment: "Because let's face it, becoming a Pokemon Master is a lifelong dream that no job interview can compete with. Who needs a paycheck when you've got a Charizard waiting to be unleashed?"
The Real World Can Wait: "Because in the grand scheme of things, battling Team Rocket and saving the world from legendary Pokemon is just a tad more pressing than impressing potential employers with your resume. Priorities, people!"
The Pikachu Principle: "Because when life gives you the opportunity to choose between a stuffy boardroom and a vibrant Pokemon adventure, you always choose Pikachu. Besides, who needs a job when you've got a pocket monster to call your own?"
The Proficiency in Pidgey: "Because while some may see job interviews as a chance to showcase their professional skills, true mastery lies in your ability to identify every species of Pokemon by sight and sound. Can your resume do that?"
The Legendary Lunacy: "Because landing a job may put food on the table, but catching a legendary Pokemon? That's the stuff of legends. Who needs a 401(k) when you've got a Mewtwo waiting in the wings?"
Gotta Catch 'Em All, Even Unemployment: "Because let's face it, becoming a Pokemon Master is a lifelong dream that no job interview can compete with. Who needs a paycheck when you've got a Charizard waiting to be unleashed?"
The Real World Can Wait: "Because in the grand scheme of things, battling Team Rocket and saving the world from legendary Pokemon is just a tad more pressing than impressing potential employers with your resume. Priorities, people!"
The Pikachu Principle: "Because when life gives you the opportunity to choose between a stuffy boardroom and a vibrant Pokemon adventure, you always choose Pikachu. Besides, who needs a job when you've got a pocket monster to call your own?"
The Proficiency in Pidgey: "Because while some may see job interviews as a chance to showcase their professional skills, true mastery lies in your ability to identify every species of Pokemon by sight and sound. Can your resume do that?"
The Legendary Lunacy: "Because landing a job may put food on the table, but catching a legendary Pokemon? That's the stuff of legends. Who needs a 401(k) when you've got a Mewtwo waiting in the wings?"
1 year ago
Streight to the point
He loves that tsundere stuff,but would he love it in real life?
Here's out thought on the matter:
"Emotional Whiplash Central": It's like being trapped in a soap opera directed by a caffeinated squirrel. One moment, she's showering you with affection, and the next, she's treating you like a rejected NPC in a video game. You'll need a neck brace to keep up with the rapid mood swings!
"The Language of Love... and Snark": Trying to express your feelings becomes a linguistic minefield. "I guess you're okay, baka" could mean anything from "I love you" to "You're sleeping on the couch tonight." Good luck deciphering that Rosetta Stone of sass!
"Dining Drama": Dinner dates are less candlelit romance and more culinary combat zone. She insists she doesn't want your fries but ends up stealing them when you look away. Sharing a meal becomes a strategic battle for survival (and your side of the appetizer).
"Gift Giving Gone Wrong": Buying presents is like playing Russian roulette with your wallet. Get her something too sentimental, and she'll scoff at your cheesy gesture. Get her something practical, and she'll accuse you of not caring. It's a lose-lose situation that leaves you questioning your gift-giving prowess.
"The Great Blushing Conundrum": Witnessing her blush is rarer than finding a unicorn riding a unicycle. When it does happen, you're torn between feeling victorious and wondering if she's coming down with a fever. Either way, it's a momentous occasion worthy of a commemorative plaque.
Here's out thought on the matter:
"Emotional Whiplash Central": It's like being trapped in a soap opera directed by a caffeinated squirrel. One moment, she's showering you with affection, and the next, she's treating you like a rejected NPC in a video game. You'll need a neck brace to keep up with the rapid mood swings!
"The Language of Love... and Snark": Trying to express your feelings becomes a linguistic minefield. "I guess you're okay, baka" could mean anything from "I love you" to "You're sleeping on the couch tonight." Good luck deciphering that Rosetta Stone of sass!
"Dining Drama": Dinner dates are less candlelit romance and more culinary combat zone. She insists she doesn't want your fries but ends up stealing them when you look away. Sharing a meal becomes a strategic battle for survival (and your side of the appetizer).
"Gift Giving Gone Wrong": Buying presents is like playing Russian roulette with your wallet. Get her something too sentimental, and she'll scoff at your cheesy gesture. Get her something practical, and she'll accuse you of not caring. It's a lose-lose situation that leaves you questioning your gift-giving prowess.
"The Great Blushing Conundrum": Witnessing her blush is rarer than finding a unicorn riding a unicycle. When it does happen, you're torn between feeling victorious and wondering if she's coming down with a fever. Either way, it's a momentous occasion worthy of a commemorative plaque.
1 year ago
No it does not
Use the long form next time my guy, we only came up with even longer forms since you guys obviously need a way to express this:
The Shanghai Sprout: This twink is as fresh and vibrant as the bustling streets of Shanghai, with a youthful charm that's impossible to ignore.
The Peking Peep: Like a curious bird peeking out from its nest, this twink captures attention with its playful demeanor and irresistible allure.
The Forbidden Fortune: With a mischievous grin and a twinkle in his eye, this twink is like a hidden treasure waiting to be discovered in the depths of ancient Chinese folklore.
The Dim Sum Delight: Petite and full of flavor, this twink is a delightful treat for those craving a taste of something exotic and adventurous.
The Panda Prince: Adorable and cuddly, like a panda cub frolicking in the bamboo forests of Chengdu, this twink is sure to steal hearts wherever he goes.
The Shanghai Sprout: This twink is as fresh and vibrant as the bustling streets of Shanghai, with a youthful charm that's impossible to ignore.
The Peking Peep: Like a curious bird peeking out from its nest, this twink captures attention with its playful demeanor and irresistible allure.
The Forbidden Fortune: With a mischievous grin and a twinkle in his eye, this twink is like a hidden treasure waiting to be discovered in the depths of ancient Chinese folklore.
The Dim Sum Delight: Petite and full of flavor, this twink is a delightful treat for those craving a taste of something exotic and adventurous.
The Panda Prince: Adorable and cuddly, like a panda cub frolicking in the bamboo forests of Chengdu, this twink is sure to steal hearts wherever he goes.
11 months ago
