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11 months ago
Even free drugs wouldn't make me a furry
A very steep price to pay for anything in life. Here's a few reasons why the mention of free drugs would get some people clambering to put on their murrsuit:
The Fuzzy Freebies Fantasy: They heard furries get complimentary doses of "Furrycillin" to cure their existential woes, but little do they know it's just a placebo disguised as a fluffy tail.
The "Furry Friends Forever" Fairy Tale: They believe joining the furry community comes with a lifetime supply of free hugs, but soon discover it's more like a never-ending game of "hide and seek" with sweaty strangers in mascot costumes.
The Psychedelic Paw-ty Perk: Rumor has it furries have access to a secret stash of mind-altering substances called "Euphorifur," but it turns out it's just catnip and cheap glitter.
The Plushie Paradise Promise: They've been promised a plushie paradise where the streets are lined with cuddly companions, but soon realize it's just a marketing ploy to sell overpriced teddy bears and novelty tail-shaped butt plugs.
The "Furry Fandom FOMO" Fallacy: They're lured in by the promise of exclusive access to the hottest furry events and parties, only to discover that the only thing on the menu is lukewarm Mountain Dew and lukewarmer conversations about anthropomorphic Sonic fan art.
The Fuzzy Freebies Fantasy: They heard furries get complimentary doses of "Furrycillin" to cure their existential woes, but little do they know it's just a placebo disguised as a fluffy tail.
The "Furry Friends Forever" Fairy Tale: They believe joining the furry community comes with a lifetime supply of free hugs, but soon discover it's more like a never-ending game of "hide and seek" with sweaty strangers in mascot costumes.
The Psychedelic Paw-ty Perk: Rumor has it furries have access to a secret stash of mind-altering substances called "Euphorifur," but it turns out it's just catnip and cheap glitter.
The Plushie Paradise Promise: They've been promised a plushie paradise where the streets are lined with cuddly companions, but soon realize it's just a marketing ploy to sell overpriced teddy bears and novelty tail-shaped butt plugs.
The "Furry Fandom FOMO" Fallacy: They're lured in by the promise of exclusive access to the hottest furry events and parties, only to discover that the only thing on the menu is lukewarm Mountain Dew and lukewarmer conversations about anthropomorphic Sonic fan art.
11 months ago
Hank Hill would be proud
Kink of the hill! Here's some more cartoon inspired names for a Dominatrix:
"Dexter's Dungeon: A Laboratory of Domination"
"Powerpuff Punishment: Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice... and a Whip"
"Johnny Bravo's Bizarre Bondage Adventures"
"Courage the Cowardly Submissive: Scared Stiff and Loving It"
"Ed, Edd n' Eddy's Edcited Experiments: Jawbreakers and Jaws Dropping"
"Dexter's Dungeon: A Laboratory of Domination"
"Powerpuff Punishment: Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice... and a Whip"
"Johnny Bravo's Bizarre Bondage Adventures"
"Courage the Cowardly Submissive: Scared Stiff and Loving It"
"Ed, Edd n' Eddy's Edcited Experiments: Jawbreakers and Jaws Dropping"
11 months ago
Line cooks are savage
They had to change it because of too many applicants
Here are some humorous reasons why line cooks shouldn't turn to cooking people:
"Menu Mishaps": Human cuisine might be a tad too niche for most diners' tastes. Imagine trying to explain to a customer that tonight's special is "Roasted Karen with a side of Steve Sauté"—not exactly appetizing!
"Health Code Hurdles": Let's face it, human meat isn't exactly FDA-approved. If health inspectors caught wind of your new culinary experiments, you'd be looking at more than just a slap on the wrist—it's straight to chef jail for you!
"Customer Complaints": Ever tried sending back a plate of human flesh because it was too rare? Yeah, good luck with that. Customer satisfaction is key in the restaurant industry, and I don't think "tender with a hint of cannibalism" is what they had in mind.
"Ethical Quandaries": While it might be tempting to add a little variety to your menu, there's something inherently unsettling about turning your fellow humans into a dish. Plus, I hear the vegetarian crowd is particularly vocal about their dietary preferences.
"Legal Limbo": Last time I checked, cannibalism was still illegal in most places. You might have a knack for seasoning and sautéing, but I don't think the courtroom is where you want to showcase your culinary talents. Stick to cooking up creative dishes that won't land you in hot water—pun intended!
Here are some humorous reasons why line cooks shouldn't turn to cooking people:
"Menu Mishaps": Human cuisine might be a tad too niche for most diners' tastes. Imagine trying to explain to a customer that tonight's special is "Roasted Karen with a side of Steve Sauté"—not exactly appetizing!
"Health Code Hurdles": Let's face it, human meat isn't exactly FDA-approved. If health inspectors caught wind of your new culinary experiments, you'd be looking at more than just a slap on the wrist—it's straight to chef jail for you!
"Customer Complaints": Ever tried sending back a plate of human flesh because it was too rare? Yeah, good luck with that. Customer satisfaction is key in the restaurant industry, and I don't think "tender with a hint of cannibalism" is what they had in mind.
"Ethical Quandaries": While it might be tempting to add a little variety to your menu, there's something inherently unsettling about turning your fellow humans into a dish. Plus, I hear the vegetarian crowd is particularly vocal about their dietary preferences.
"Legal Limbo": Last time I checked, cannibalism was still illegal in most places. You might have a knack for seasoning and sautéing, but I don't think the courtroom is where you want to showcase your culinary talents. Stick to cooking up creative dishes that won't land you in hot water—pun intended!
11 months ago
Asking existential questions
Poor dude never considered why his name was David. So we did for him since we have nothing better to do:
The Biblical Banter: "Because being named David means you're automatically inducted into the unofficial 'Cool Names from the Bible' club—move over, Moses and Noah, there's a new shepherd in town, and he's armed with a slingshot and a killer haircut!"
The Statue Struggle: "Because being named David means you're constantly compared to a marble masterpiece—sure, Michelangelo's sculpture might have chiseled abs and a steely gaze, but can it shotgun a beer in under three seconds? Didn't think so."
The Size Speculation: "Because being named David means you're destined to field endless questions about the size of your 'stone'—but don't worry, it's not the size of the slingshot that matters, it's how you aim it at the Goliaths of life."
The Identity Irony: "Because being named David means you're forever doomed to be confused with every other David in the world—no, not the one from accounting, or the one from your mom's book club, or the one who dated your sister in high school. The other other David."
The Musical Misfortune: "Because being named David means you're contractually obligated to endure endless renditions of 'David, David, Bo-Bavid, Banana-Fana Fo-Favid'—just smile and nod, David, and maybe one day they'll run out of rhymes for your name."
The Biblical Banter: "Because being named David means you're automatically inducted into the unofficial 'Cool Names from the Bible' club—move over, Moses and Noah, there's a new shepherd in town, and he's armed with a slingshot and a killer haircut!"
The Statue Struggle: "Because being named David means you're constantly compared to a marble masterpiece—sure, Michelangelo's sculpture might have chiseled abs and a steely gaze, but can it shotgun a beer in under three seconds? Didn't think so."
The Size Speculation: "Because being named David means you're destined to field endless questions about the size of your 'stone'—but don't worry, it's not the size of the slingshot that matters, it's how you aim it at the Goliaths of life."
The Identity Irony: "Because being named David means you're forever doomed to be confused with every other David in the world—no, not the one from accounting, or the one from your mom's book club, or the one who dated your sister in high school. The other other David."
The Musical Misfortune: "Because being named David means you're contractually obligated to endure endless renditions of 'David, David, Bo-Bavid, Banana-Fana Fo-Favid'—just smile and nod, David, and maybe one day they'll run out of rhymes for your name."
11 months ago
Literacy changes a man
He read her deranged texts and finally saw the red flags.
Maybe don't teach your boyfriend how to read there might be downsides! We thought up a few:
He starts correcting your texts like he's the grammar police: Suddenly, every "your" and "you're" is up for scrutiny, and he proudly announces he's the spelling champion of your relationship.
He discovers the joy of reading... your embarrassing old diaries: You thought those cringe-worthy entries were safely tucked away, but now he's quoting them at family gatherings. Thanks, literacy.
He develops an obsession with instruction manuals: Suddenly, he's reading the fine print on everything from cereal boxes to toilet cleaner, and you can forget about romantic bedtime stories.
You lose your monopoly on Netflix subtitles: Now, he's pausing every two seconds to read the subtitles, claiming it's for "educational purposes." Your binge-watching experience will never be the same.
He joins a book club and becomes a literary snob: You used to bond over trashy reality TV, but now he's discussing Dostoevsky and Proust like they're old pals. Who knew literacy came with such pretentiousness?
Maybe don't teach your boyfriend how to read there might be downsides! We thought up a few:
He starts correcting your texts like he's the grammar police: Suddenly, every "your" and "you're" is up for scrutiny, and he proudly announces he's the spelling champion of your relationship.
He discovers the joy of reading... your embarrassing old diaries: You thought those cringe-worthy entries were safely tucked away, but now he's quoting them at family gatherings. Thanks, literacy.
He develops an obsession with instruction manuals: Suddenly, he's reading the fine print on everything from cereal boxes to toilet cleaner, and you can forget about romantic bedtime stories.
You lose your monopoly on Netflix subtitles: Now, he's pausing every two seconds to read the subtitles, claiming it's for "educational purposes." Your binge-watching experience will never be the same.
He joins a book club and becomes a literary snob: You used to bond over trashy reality TV, but now he's discussing Dostoevsky and Proust like they're old pals. Who knew literacy came with such pretentiousness?
11 months ago
McDonalds ice cream machine
Not the hardest riddle.
These are just a few excuses we've heard as to why the darn things never work:
"Because the ice cream machine has developed stage fright—it's shy and prefers to perform only when there's no audience. We're working on its confidence."
"Because the ice cream machine is in cahoots with the napkin dispenser—it's their secret plan for world domination, one malfunction at a time."
"Because the ice cream machine is having an existential crisis—it's pondering the meaning of its soft-serve existence and needs some time off to find itself."
"Because the ice cream machine heard about global warming and decided to take a stand against melting—it's staging a protest by refusing to dispense anything cooler than room temperature."
"Because the ice cream machine is participating in a top-secret scientific experiment—it's being trained to communicate with extraterrestrial beings through Morse code encoded in sprinkles. Classified information, you know."
These are just a few excuses we've heard as to why the darn things never work:
"Because the ice cream machine has developed stage fright—it's shy and prefers to perform only when there's no audience. We're working on its confidence."
"Because the ice cream machine is in cahoots with the napkin dispenser—it's their secret plan for world domination, one malfunction at a time."
"Because the ice cream machine is having an existential crisis—it's pondering the meaning of its soft-serve existence and needs some time off to find itself."
"Because the ice cream machine heard about global warming and decided to take a stand against melting—it's staging a protest by refusing to dispense anything cooler than room temperature."
"Because the ice cream machine is participating in a top-secret scientific experiment—it's being trained to communicate with extraterrestrial beings through Morse code encoded in sprinkles. Classified information, you know."
11 months ago
A Mazderati The Best Car
You do you lady enjoy your Mazda. It's objectively better too or at least that's what our door dash guy who drives a tuned Mazda told us. We believe him and parot what he said on our site:
"The Speed Trap Trickster": A Mazda is better than a Maserati because while the Maserati might attract attention from speed traps, the Mazda can slip by unnoticed, like a stealthy ninja in the night. Who needs a flashy car when you can have a vehicle that's the ultimate getaway car?
"The Parking Predicament Paradox": A Mazda is better than a Maserati because you'll never have to worry about finding a parking spot big enough for your ego. Who needs valet parking when you can squeeze into a space like a contortionist?
"The Luxury Lamentation": A Mazda is better than a Maserati because while the Maserati might come with all the bells and whistles, the Mazda comes with the satisfaction of knowing you didn't break the bank just to impress your neighbors. Who needs leather seats when you can have peace of mind?
"The Maintenance Mystery": A Mazda is better than a Maserati because while the Maserati might require a second mortgage to cover maintenance costs, the Mazda's repairs are more affordable than a Netflix subscription. Who needs a mechanic when you can DIY with duct tape and hope?
"The Traffic Triumph": A Mazda is better than a Maserati because while the Maserati might turn heads in traffic, the Mazda can blend in like a chameleon, saving you from awkward encounters with aggressive admirers. Who needs paparazzi when you can be the master of disguise?
"The Speed Trap Trickster": A Mazda is better than a Maserati because while the Maserati might attract attention from speed traps, the Mazda can slip by unnoticed, like a stealthy ninja in the night. Who needs a flashy car when you can have a vehicle that's the ultimate getaway car?
"The Parking Predicament Paradox": A Mazda is better than a Maserati because you'll never have to worry about finding a parking spot big enough for your ego. Who needs valet parking when you can squeeze into a space like a contortionist?
"The Luxury Lamentation": A Mazda is better than a Maserati because while the Maserati might come with all the bells and whistles, the Mazda comes with the satisfaction of knowing you didn't break the bank just to impress your neighbors. Who needs leather seats when you can have peace of mind?
"The Maintenance Mystery": A Mazda is better than a Maserati because while the Maserati might require a second mortgage to cover maintenance costs, the Mazda's repairs are more affordable than a Netflix subscription. Who needs a mechanic when you can DIY with duct tape and hope?
"The Traffic Triumph": A Mazda is better than a Maserati because while the Maserati might turn heads in traffic, the Mazda can blend in like a chameleon, saving you from awkward encounters with aggressive admirers. Who needs paparazzi when you can be the master of disguise?
