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1 year ago
When strangers got our numbers phones got ruined
These days phone calls only mean bills or stress TBH! They suck and here's a few reasons why:
The Dial-Up Drama: "Because using a telephone is like trying to communicate with a carrier pigeon in the age of email—slow, outdated, and prone to dropping important messages mid-flight. Who has time for dial-up in a world of high-speed Wi-Fi?"
The Call of the Mild: "Because telephones are like a siren song luring you into a vortex of mundane conversations about the weather, Aunt Mildred's bunions, and the neighbor's new lawn mower. Who needs excitement when you can spend hours discussing grass growth rates?"
The Ringer Roulette: "Because telephones are like a game of Russian roulette—you never know if it's going to be a friendly chat with your best friend or a telemarketer trying to sell you the latest in kitchen appliance technology. Spoiler alert: it's usually the latter."
The Tangled Talker: "Because telephones are like a magician's trick gone wrong—one minute you're untangling a knot of cords, and the next, you're pulling a rabbit out of a hat. Who knew communication could be such a tangled mess?"
The Reception Rejection: "Because telephones are like a clingy ex who just won't take the hint—you try to ghost them, but they keep ringing back, desperate for attention. Who needs constant interruptions when you're trying to binge-watch your favorite TV show in peace?"
The Dial-Up Drama: "Because using a telephone is like trying to communicate with a carrier pigeon in the age of email—slow, outdated, and prone to dropping important messages mid-flight. Who has time for dial-up in a world of high-speed Wi-Fi?"
The Call of the Mild: "Because telephones are like a siren song luring you into a vortex of mundane conversations about the weather, Aunt Mildred's bunions, and the neighbor's new lawn mower. Who needs excitement when you can spend hours discussing grass growth rates?"
The Ringer Roulette: "Because telephones are like a game of Russian roulette—you never know if it's going to be a friendly chat with your best friend or a telemarketer trying to sell you the latest in kitchen appliance technology. Spoiler alert: it's usually the latter."
The Tangled Talker: "Because telephones are like a magician's trick gone wrong—one minute you're untangling a knot of cords, and the next, you're pulling a rabbit out of a hat. Who knew communication could be such a tangled mess?"
The Reception Rejection: "Because telephones are like a clingy ex who just won't take the hint—you try to ghost them, but they keep ringing back, desperate for attention. Who needs constant interruptions when you're trying to binge-watch your favorite TV show in peace?"
1 year ago
Sniper cat
Confirmed kills include rodents , birds, insects and the odd lizard
Here are five humorous reasons why a cat would make a great sniper:
The "Purr-fectly Stealthy" Strategy:
Cats are masters of stealth, able to sneak up on their prey without making a sound. With their silent paws and stealthy movements, they could easily infiltrate enemy territory undetected and take out targets with precision.
The "Laser Pointer Precision" Perk:
Cats have honed their hunting skills through countless hours of chasing after laser pointers. With their impeccable aim and lightning-fast reflexes, they could hit targets with pinpoint accuracy – as long as you dangle a laser pointer at the right spot!
The "Naptime Sniper" Advantage:
Cats are notorious for their love of napping, but don't be fooled by their lazy demeanor. With their cat-like reflexes and sharp instincts, they could go from lounging in the sun to taking out targets with deadly accuracy in the blink of an eye.
The "Tail-Twitching Trigger Finger" Talent:
Cats have an uncanny ability to detect movement, thanks to their twitchy tails and keen senses. With their natural instinct to pounce on anything that moves, they could easily spot targets from a distance and take them out with a flick of their tail.
The "Nine Lives, Nine Shots" Strategy:
Cats are known for their agility and grace, able to land on their feet even after a fall. With their nine lives to spare, they could take risky shots and pull off daring maneuvers that would make even the most seasoned sniper envious. After all, why settle for one shot when you have nine chances to get it right?
Here are five humorous reasons why a cat would make a great sniper:
The "Purr-fectly Stealthy" Strategy:
Cats are masters of stealth, able to sneak up on their prey without making a sound. With their silent paws and stealthy movements, they could easily infiltrate enemy territory undetected and take out targets with precision.
The "Laser Pointer Precision" Perk:
Cats have honed their hunting skills through countless hours of chasing after laser pointers. With their impeccable aim and lightning-fast reflexes, they could hit targets with pinpoint accuracy – as long as you dangle a laser pointer at the right spot!
The "Naptime Sniper" Advantage:
Cats are notorious for their love of napping, but don't be fooled by their lazy demeanor. With their cat-like reflexes and sharp instincts, they could go from lounging in the sun to taking out targets with deadly accuracy in the blink of an eye.
The "Tail-Twitching Trigger Finger" Talent:
Cats have an uncanny ability to detect movement, thanks to their twitchy tails and keen senses. With their natural instinct to pounce on anything that moves, they could easily spot targets from a distance and take them out with a flick of their tail.
The "Nine Lives, Nine Shots" Strategy:
Cats are known for their agility and grace, able to land on their feet even after a fall. With their nine lives to spare, they could take risky shots and pull off daring maneuvers that would make even the most seasoned sniper envious. After all, why settle for one shot when you have nine chances to get it right?
1 year ago
Reddit moment
Did he ban himself? Maybe he should! Reddit is not something you want in your life. Here are some reasons why getting banned on Reddit will make your life better:
"The Digital Detox Diet": Getting banned on Reddit is the ultimate weight loss hack. Without endless scrolling through memes and heated debates, you'll have more time to hit the gym and shed those extra pounds. Who needs subreddits when you've got gains to make?
"The Swipe Right Surprise": Thanks to your banned status on Reddit, you'll finally have something interesting to talk about on Tinder. Explaining how you got banned from r/aww for posting too many cat memes is sure to impress potential dates—or at least make for a memorable conversation starter.
"The Social Interaction Upgrade": With your Reddit access revoked, you'll have more time to focus on real-life social interactions. Who needs upvotes when you can get real-life compliments from friends and strangers alike? Plus, without the stress of Reddit drama, you'll feel lighter and happier in no time.
"The Stress-Free Strategy": Getting banned on Reddit is like a weight lifted off your shoulders—literally. Without the constant stress of trying to keep up with the latest memes and trends, you'll feel lighter and more carefree than ever before. Who knew that digital detox could be so liberating?
"The Healthier Habits": With your Reddit ban in place, you'll have more time to focus on healthy habits like cooking nutritious meals and getting a good night's sleep. Who needs late-night Reddit browsing when you can wake up feeling refreshed and ready to tackle the day?
"The Digital Detox Diet": Getting banned on Reddit is the ultimate weight loss hack. Without endless scrolling through memes and heated debates, you'll have more time to hit the gym and shed those extra pounds. Who needs subreddits when you've got gains to make?
"The Swipe Right Surprise": Thanks to your banned status on Reddit, you'll finally have something interesting to talk about on Tinder. Explaining how you got banned from r/aww for posting too many cat memes is sure to impress potential dates—or at least make for a memorable conversation starter.
"The Social Interaction Upgrade": With your Reddit access revoked, you'll have more time to focus on real-life social interactions. Who needs upvotes when you can get real-life compliments from friends and strangers alike? Plus, without the stress of Reddit drama, you'll feel lighter and happier in no time.
"The Stress-Free Strategy": Getting banned on Reddit is like a weight lifted off your shoulders—literally. Without the constant stress of trying to keep up with the latest memes and trends, you'll feel lighter and more carefree than ever before. Who knew that digital detox could be so liberating?
"The Healthier Habits": With your Reddit ban in place, you'll have more time to focus on healthy habits like cooking nutritious meals and getting a good night's sleep. Who needs late-night Reddit browsing when you can wake up feeling refreshed and ready to tackle the day?
1 year ago
1 year ago
Attitude stays in
Wish it could go away but it stays. Why does it though? Shouldn't your body be able to purge toxic things from itself? We asked an alcoholic riding a donkey and he came up with these reasons why you can't vomit out a bad attitude:
"The Sour Stomach Syndrome:" Trying to vomit out a bad attitude is like expecting your stomach to turn into a therapist's couch—it's just not equipped to handle emotional baggage. Instead of purging negativity, you're more likely to end up with heartburn and a whole new set of problems to worry about.
"The Bitter Belch Backfire:" Attempting to vomit out a bad attitude is like trying to belch out your inner demons—it might provide temporary relief, but it's not a long-term solution. Instead of exorcising negativity, you're more likely to just make everyone within earshot uncomfortable and slightly nauseous.
"The Cranky Cough-Up Conundrum:" Trying to vomit out a bad attitude is like expecting your body to cough up a hairball—it's messy, unpleasant, and probably not going to solve anything. Instead of expelling negativity, you're more likely to just end up with a sore throat and a lingering sense of bitterness.
"The Pessimistic Projectile Problem:" Attempting to vomit out a bad attitude is like trying to projectile vomit your way to positivity—it's messy, ineffective, and likely to leave a trail of destruction in its wake. Instead of cleansing your soul, you're more likely to just traumatize everyone within a five-foot radius and ruin the carpet.
"The Grouchy Gag Reflex:" Trying to vomit out a bad attitude is like expecting your body to reject negativity like a bad oyster—it's wishful thinking at best and downright foolish at worst. Instead of purging toxicity, you're more likely to just trigger your gag reflex and end up feeling even worse than before.
"The Sour Stomach Syndrome:" Trying to vomit out a bad attitude is like expecting your stomach to turn into a therapist's couch—it's just not equipped to handle emotional baggage. Instead of purging negativity, you're more likely to end up with heartburn and a whole new set of problems to worry about.
"The Bitter Belch Backfire:" Attempting to vomit out a bad attitude is like trying to belch out your inner demons—it might provide temporary relief, but it's not a long-term solution. Instead of exorcising negativity, you're more likely to just make everyone within earshot uncomfortable and slightly nauseous.
"The Cranky Cough-Up Conundrum:" Trying to vomit out a bad attitude is like expecting your body to cough up a hairball—it's messy, unpleasant, and probably not going to solve anything. Instead of expelling negativity, you're more likely to just end up with a sore throat and a lingering sense of bitterness.
"The Pessimistic Projectile Problem:" Attempting to vomit out a bad attitude is like trying to projectile vomit your way to positivity—it's messy, ineffective, and likely to leave a trail of destruction in its wake. Instead of cleansing your soul, you're more likely to just traumatize everyone within a five-foot radius and ruin the carpet.
"The Grouchy Gag Reflex:" Trying to vomit out a bad attitude is like expecting your body to reject negativity like a bad oyster—it's wishful thinking at best and downright foolish at worst. Instead of purging toxicity, you're more likely to just trigger your gag reflex and end up feeling even worse than before.
1 year ago
Frence est le magnifique
I don't really know french in case you couldn't tell
Here are five humorous reasons why your backside might deserve a reprieve from pegging:
The "Exit Only" Excuse:
"My backside is like a one-way street – strictly for departures, not arrivals. Sorry, no pegging allowed in this lane!"
The "Cheeky Chicken" Conundrum:
"I'm as nervous as a chicken in a fox den when it comes to pegging. Let's just say my rear end is more chicken than cheeky."
The "Bootyful Bounce" Blunder:
"I once tried twerking and ended up with a sprained ego. Pegging might result in a full-blown bootyquake – and nobody wants that on their résumé!"
The "Squirmish Sphincter" Struggle:
"My sphincter is as twitchy as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Pegging might just send it into a full-blown panic attack!"
The "Gluteus Gratitude" Gag:
"My rear end sent me a thank-you note for sparing it from pegging. Turns out, it's quite content being a humble cushion – no pegging required!"
Here are five humorous reasons why your backside might deserve a reprieve from pegging:
The "Exit Only" Excuse:
"My backside is like a one-way street – strictly for departures, not arrivals. Sorry, no pegging allowed in this lane!"
The "Cheeky Chicken" Conundrum:
"I'm as nervous as a chicken in a fox den when it comes to pegging. Let's just say my rear end is more chicken than cheeky."
The "Bootyful Bounce" Blunder:
"I once tried twerking and ended up with a sprained ego. Pegging might result in a full-blown bootyquake – and nobody wants that on their résumé!"
The "Squirmish Sphincter" Struggle:
"My sphincter is as twitchy as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Pegging might just send it into a full-blown panic attack!"
The "Gluteus Gratitude" Gag:
"My rear end sent me a thank-you note for sparing it from pegging. Turns out, it's quite content being a humble cushion – no pegging required!"
1 year ago
