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10 months ago
Important daily tasks
Never reschedule something as important as a morning dump, after all we know it's the only thing that brings joy to that husk you call a life.
We know the reasons why:
"The Throne of Solitude":
"For a father, the morning dump isn't just about bodily functions; it's his precious alone time. It's the only moment in the day when he can truly claim the bathroom throne as his own kingdom, free from the demands of family life."
"The Great Escape":
"In a house full of chaos and commotion, the morning dump is his chance to stage a daring escape from reality. As he sits on the porcelain throne, he's transported to a realm of tranquility, where the only sound is the gentle hum of the bathroom fan."
"The Zen Zone":
"Forget meditation apps and yoga retreats – for a dad, the morning dump is his daily dose of Zen. With each passing moment, he achieves a deeper state of relaxation, reaching levels of inner peace that would make even a Buddhist monk jealous."
"The Brainstorming Bowl":
"Who needs a boardroom when you have a bathroom? For a dad, the morning dump isn't just about bodily relief; it's prime brainstorming time. As he contemplates life's greatest mysteries, from 'Why are dinosaurs extinct?' to 'Where did I leave my car keys?'"
"The Victory Lap":
"Completing the morning dump isn't just a bodily function – it's a triumph of human achievement. With each flush, he celebrates another small victory in the battle against constipation, proudly proclaiming himself the undisputed champion of the porcelain throne!"
We know the reasons why:
"The Throne of Solitude":
"For a father, the morning dump isn't just about bodily functions; it's his precious alone time. It's the only moment in the day when he can truly claim the bathroom throne as his own kingdom, free from the demands of family life."
"The Great Escape":
"In a house full of chaos and commotion, the morning dump is his chance to stage a daring escape from reality. As he sits on the porcelain throne, he's transported to a realm of tranquility, where the only sound is the gentle hum of the bathroom fan."
"The Zen Zone":
"Forget meditation apps and yoga retreats – for a dad, the morning dump is his daily dose of Zen. With each passing moment, he achieves a deeper state of relaxation, reaching levels of inner peace that would make even a Buddhist monk jealous."
"The Brainstorming Bowl":
"Who needs a boardroom when you have a bathroom? For a dad, the morning dump isn't just about bodily relief; it's prime brainstorming time. As he contemplates life's greatest mysteries, from 'Why are dinosaurs extinct?' to 'Where did I leave my car keys?'"
"The Victory Lap":
"Completing the morning dump isn't just a bodily function – it's a triumph of human achievement. With each flush, he celebrates another small victory in the battle against constipation, proudly proclaiming himself the undisputed champion of the porcelain throne!"
7 months ago
10 months ago
Buy cheaper pizza
Really DO NOT finance a pizza. If that's not enough bad financial advice for you we have you covered with 5 more :
"Borrow Money to Buy Lottery Tickets": Why waste time saving up for a rainy day when you could hit the jackpot tomorrow? Take out a second mortgage, max out your credit cards, and buy as many lottery tickets as you can carry. After all, fortune favors the bold—or at least the heavily indebted.
"Invest in Pyramid Schemes": Who needs boring old index funds when you can join a pyramid scheme and get rich quick? Just recruit a few friends, sit back, and watch the money roll in. Sure, it might technically be illegal, but think of all the luxurious vacations you'll be able to afford before the SEC catches wind of your scheme.
"Live Like a Kardashian": Why bother budgeting when you can live a life of luxury like your favorite reality TV stars? Treat yourself to designer clothes, lavish vacations, and extravagant parties—all on a shoestring budget. Who needs financial stability when you have Instagram likes?
"Become a Professional Fortnite Gamer": Who says video games can't be a lucrative career? With millions of dollars up for grabs in esports tournaments, all you need is a killer Fortnite strategy and lightning-fast reflexes. Just ignore the fact that only a tiny fraction of gamers actually make it big—this time, it's different.
"Bet Your Life Savings on Red": Who needs retirement savings when you have the thrill of the roulette wheel? Head to your nearest casino, plop down your life savings on red, and let fate decide your financial future. Worst-case scenario, you end up penniless and living under a bridge—but hey, at least you'll have a good story to tell.
"Borrow Money to Buy Lottery Tickets": Why waste time saving up for a rainy day when you could hit the jackpot tomorrow? Take out a second mortgage, max out your credit cards, and buy as many lottery tickets as you can carry. After all, fortune favors the bold—or at least the heavily indebted.
"Invest in Pyramid Schemes": Who needs boring old index funds when you can join a pyramid scheme and get rich quick? Just recruit a few friends, sit back, and watch the money roll in. Sure, it might technically be illegal, but think of all the luxurious vacations you'll be able to afford before the SEC catches wind of your scheme.
"Live Like a Kardashian": Why bother budgeting when you can live a life of luxury like your favorite reality TV stars? Treat yourself to designer clothes, lavish vacations, and extravagant parties—all on a shoestring budget. Who needs financial stability when you have Instagram likes?
"Become a Professional Fortnite Gamer": Who says video games can't be a lucrative career? With millions of dollars up for grabs in esports tournaments, all you need is a killer Fortnite strategy and lightning-fast reflexes. Just ignore the fact that only a tiny fraction of gamers actually make it big—this time, it's different.
"Bet Your Life Savings on Red": Who needs retirement savings when you have the thrill of the roulette wheel? Head to your nearest casino, plop down your life savings on red, and let fate decide your financial future. Worst-case scenario, you end up penniless and living under a bridge—but hey, at least you'll have a good story to tell.
7 months ago
Knowing your kids well
They both know she might have started it but the mom is thinking about not incriminating her
7 months ago
10 months ago
Never share your wi-fi password
3am wondering why you can't load a youtube video while your neighbor is torrenting
Here are some passive aggressive ways to stop the neighborhood ass-weasel from using your wifi
"Fort Knox Connection":
Secure your WiFi network with a password so complex that even the NSA would struggle to crack it. When your neighbor asks for the password, tell them it's classified information and you'd have to consult with the FBI to share it.
"Bandwidth Black Hole":
Prioritize your devices on the network and allocate minimal bandwidth to guest devices. If your neighbor complains about slow internet, blame it on "internet gremlins" or suggest they upgrade to a "hamster-powered modem" for faster speeds.
"Top Secret Network":
Rename your WiFi network to "Area 51 Surveillance Network" or "FBI Surveillance Van #42" to give your neighbor a chuckle and a hint that their online activities are being closely monitored... by you!
"Wi-Not-So-Free Zone":
Leave a humorous note on your door saying something like, "Welcome to the WiFi-free zone! We're saving bandwidth for cat videos and pizza deliveries only. Thanks for understanding!"
"Invisible Internet":
Tell your neighbor that your WiFi network is powered by "quantum entanglement" and only accessible to those who possess the secret of teleportation. Offer to teach them the secret in exchange for a lifetime supply of cookies.
Here are some passive aggressive ways to stop the neighborhood ass-weasel from using your wifi
"Fort Knox Connection":
Secure your WiFi network with a password so complex that even the NSA would struggle to crack it. When your neighbor asks for the password, tell them it's classified information and you'd have to consult with the FBI to share it.
"Bandwidth Black Hole":
Prioritize your devices on the network and allocate minimal bandwidth to guest devices. If your neighbor complains about slow internet, blame it on "internet gremlins" or suggest they upgrade to a "hamster-powered modem" for faster speeds.
"Top Secret Network":
Rename your WiFi network to "Area 51 Surveillance Network" or "FBI Surveillance Van #42" to give your neighbor a chuckle and a hint that their online activities are being closely monitored... by you!
"Wi-Not-So-Free Zone":
Leave a humorous note on your door saying something like, "Welcome to the WiFi-free zone! We're saving bandwidth for cat videos and pizza deliveries only. Thanks for understanding!"
"Invisible Internet":
Tell your neighbor that your WiFi network is powered by "quantum entanglement" and only accessible to those who possess the secret of teleportation. Offer to teach them the secret in exchange for a lifetime supply of cookies.
7 months ago
