Register for a no ad experience.
1 year ago
Not the vets penis
Clarifying that was extremely important. The vet does not want a kitty BJ and here's a few reasons why:
The Paws and Perversion: "Because while cats may have a reputation for grooming themselves, that's where we draw the line—nobody wants a 'meow-massage' from their feline friend, especially not in the vet's office!"
The Furball Fiasco: "Because getting a tongue bath from your cat is one thing, but letting them go to town on your nether regions is a whole other ballgame—literally. Plus, who wants to explain those scratch marks to their significant other?"
The Scratching Post Scandal: "Because cats may have rough tongues, but that's no excuse for them to treat the vet's genitalia like a scratching post. It's a vet's office, not a feline fetish dungeon!"
The Hairball Horror: "Because if there's one thing worse than a hairball, it's a hairball in the wrong place—like, say, your vet's crotch. Nobody wants to deal with that mess, not even the most dedicated cat lover."
The Kitty Catastrophe: "Because while cats may be curious creatures, there are some things they're better off not exploring—like the vet's private parts. Let's leave the 'pussyfooting' to the professionals, shall we?"
The Paws and Perversion: "Because while cats may have a reputation for grooming themselves, that's where we draw the line—nobody wants a 'meow-massage' from their feline friend, especially not in the vet's office!"
The Furball Fiasco: "Because getting a tongue bath from your cat is one thing, but letting them go to town on your nether regions is a whole other ballgame—literally. Plus, who wants to explain those scratch marks to their significant other?"
The Scratching Post Scandal: "Because cats may have rough tongues, but that's no excuse for them to treat the vet's genitalia like a scratching post. It's a vet's office, not a feline fetish dungeon!"
The Hairball Horror: "Because if there's one thing worse than a hairball, it's a hairball in the wrong place—like, say, your vet's crotch. Nobody wants to deal with that mess, not even the most dedicated cat lover."
The Kitty Catastrophe: "Because while cats may be curious creatures, there are some things they're better off not exploring—like the vet's private parts. Let's leave the 'pussyfooting' to the professionals, shall we?"
1 year ago
Canada will activly help you die
Without charging you a fortune though. Though we should talk about the elephant in the room. Being dead means all your health problems are solved! Here's 5 funny reasons why being dead means you are technically healthy:
"The Eternal Rest Plan": "Who needs expensive medical treatments when you can achieve eternal peace with just one injection? Euthanasia is the ultimate 'set it and forget it' healthcare plan—no more copays, no more waiting rooms, just sweet, sweet oblivion."
"The Ultimate Weight Loss Solution": "Say goodbye to dieting and exercise—euthanasia guarantees you'll never have to worry about fitting into those skinny jeans again. Who knew death could be the ultimate crash diet?"
"The Instant Doctor's Note": "With euthanasia, you'll never have to fake a sick day again. Just schedule your appointment with the Grim Reaper and enjoy unlimited time off from work—no questions asked."
"The Pain-Free Plan": "Why waste time and money on painkillers and physical therapy when you can skip straight to the final solution? Euthanasia ensures you'll never have to suffer through another headache or backache again—because you'll be too busy enjoying the afterlife."
"The Budget-Friendly Benefit": "Forget expensive medical bills and insurance premiums—euthanasia is the ultimate cost-saving measure. Just think of all the money you'll save on doctor's visits, prescriptions, and hospital stays. It's the frugal way to go out with a bang."
"The Eternal Rest Plan": "Who needs expensive medical treatments when you can achieve eternal peace with just one injection? Euthanasia is the ultimate 'set it and forget it' healthcare plan—no more copays, no more waiting rooms, just sweet, sweet oblivion."
"The Ultimate Weight Loss Solution": "Say goodbye to dieting and exercise—euthanasia guarantees you'll never have to worry about fitting into those skinny jeans again. Who knew death could be the ultimate crash diet?"
"The Instant Doctor's Note": "With euthanasia, you'll never have to fake a sick day again. Just schedule your appointment with the Grim Reaper and enjoy unlimited time off from work—no questions asked."
"The Pain-Free Plan": "Why waste time and money on painkillers and physical therapy when you can skip straight to the final solution? Euthanasia ensures you'll never have to suffer through another headache or backache again—because you'll be too busy enjoying the afterlife."
"The Budget-Friendly Benefit": "Forget expensive medical bills and insurance premiums—euthanasia is the ultimate cost-saving measure. Just think of all the money you'll save on doctor's visits, prescriptions, and hospital stays. It's the frugal way to go out with a bang."
1 year ago
Can't have shit in Detroit
The city is not specified i'm just assuming but here are a few other things that definitely got stolen in Detroit:
"The Elusive Patio Furniture Pilfering": Imagine waking up to find your entire patio set missing from your backyard. Not just the chairs or the table—everything, from the umbrella to the barbecue grill! How the thieves managed to sneak away with such bulky items without anyone noticing remains a head-scratcher for the ages.
"The Curious Case of the Absent Air Conditioners": In the midst of a scorching summer, residents were left sweating bullets when their window air conditioners mysteriously vanished overnight. The logistics of hauling these heavy units out of apartment windows without anyone hearing—or feeling—the commotion boggle the mind.
"The Great Garden Hose Heist": Picture this: an entire neighborhood's worth of garden hoses disappearing without a trace. The culprits must have been masters of stealth to make off with these unwieldy, snaking tubes of rubber undetected. How they managed to wrangle them into a getaway car is anyone's guess!
"The Vanishing Vacuum Cleaner Vendetta": Vacuum cleaners may not seem like the most glamorous targets for theft, but try telling that to the residents who woke up to find their trusty cleaning companions missing from their closets. Maneuvering these bulky appliances through narrow hallways and down flights of stairs without raising suspicion is no small feat.
"The Mysterious Mattress Mystery": In a puzzling turn of events, an entire apartment building's worth of mattresses disappeared overnight, leaving residents scratching their heads—and their backs—in confusion. The logistics of sneaking these unwieldy sleep surfaces out of cramped urban dwellings without arousing suspicion defy all logic.
"The Elusive Patio Furniture Pilfering": Imagine waking up to find your entire patio set missing from your backyard. Not just the chairs or the table—everything, from the umbrella to the barbecue grill! How the thieves managed to sneak away with such bulky items without anyone noticing remains a head-scratcher for the ages.
"The Curious Case of the Absent Air Conditioners": In the midst of a scorching summer, residents were left sweating bullets when their window air conditioners mysteriously vanished overnight. The logistics of hauling these heavy units out of apartment windows without anyone hearing—or feeling—the commotion boggle the mind.
"The Great Garden Hose Heist": Picture this: an entire neighborhood's worth of garden hoses disappearing without a trace. The culprits must have been masters of stealth to make off with these unwieldy, snaking tubes of rubber undetected. How they managed to wrangle them into a getaway car is anyone's guess!
"The Vanishing Vacuum Cleaner Vendetta": Vacuum cleaners may not seem like the most glamorous targets for theft, but try telling that to the residents who woke up to find their trusty cleaning companions missing from their closets. Maneuvering these bulky appliances through narrow hallways and down flights of stairs without raising suspicion is no small feat.
"The Mysterious Mattress Mystery": In a puzzling turn of events, an entire apartment building's worth of mattresses disappeared overnight, leaving residents scratching their heads—and their backs—in confusion. The logistics of sneaking these unwieldy sleep surfaces out of cramped urban dwellings without arousing suspicion defy all logic.
1 year ago
Hank Hill would be proud
Kink of the hill! Here's some more cartoon inspired names for a Dominatrix:
"Dexter's Dungeon: A Laboratory of Domination"
"Powerpuff Punishment: Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice... and a Whip"
"Johnny Bravo's Bizarre Bondage Adventures"
"Courage the Cowardly Submissive: Scared Stiff and Loving It"
"Ed, Edd n' Eddy's Edcited Experiments: Jawbreakers and Jaws Dropping"
"Dexter's Dungeon: A Laboratory of Domination"
"Powerpuff Punishment: Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice... and a Whip"
"Johnny Bravo's Bizarre Bondage Adventures"
"Courage the Cowardly Submissive: Scared Stiff and Loving It"
"Ed, Edd n' Eddy's Edcited Experiments: Jawbreakers and Jaws Dropping"
1 year ago
My buddy wrote this article
Just like me he is possibly not a cat but you can't prove anything
Other articles on that website:
"5 Reasons Why You Should Spend More Time in Cardboard Boxes"
Reasons include promoting creativity, reducing stress levels, and improving posture. But we all know the real reason – it's the ultimate kitty hideout!
"The Benefits of Sunbathing: Why You Should Soak Up Those Rays Every Day"
Articles touts Vitamin D production, mood enhancement, and skin health. But let's face it – cats just love basking in those warm sunbeams!
"The Joy of Napping: How Regular Rest Can Transform Your Life"
Highlights include increased productivity, improved memory, and reduced risk of heart disease. But we all know the real reason – it's the purr-fect excuse for a catnap!
"The Zen of Watching Birds: Finding Peace and Tranquility in Nature"
Explains the benefits of birdwatching for mental health, stress relief, and mindfulness. But for cats, it's just another opportunity for some prime window sill entertainment!
"The Art of Stretching: Why You Should Incorporate Daily Flexibility Exercises"
Extols the virtues of stretching for muscle health, flexibility, and injury prevention. But for cats, it's all about maintaining their impressive agility for impromptu zoomies and graceful leaps!
Other articles on that website:
"5 Reasons Why You Should Spend More Time in Cardboard Boxes"
Reasons include promoting creativity, reducing stress levels, and improving posture. But we all know the real reason – it's the ultimate kitty hideout!
"The Benefits of Sunbathing: Why You Should Soak Up Those Rays Every Day"
Articles touts Vitamin D production, mood enhancement, and skin health. But let's face it – cats just love basking in those warm sunbeams!
"The Joy of Napping: How Regular Rest Can Transform Your Life"
Highlights include increased productivity, improved memory, and reduced risk of heart disease. But we all know the real reason – it's the purr-fect excuse for a catnap!
"The Zen of Watching Birds: Finding Peace and Tranquility in Nature"
Explains the benefits of birdwatching for mental health, stress relief, and mindfulness. But for cats, it's just another opportunity for some prime window sill entertainment!
"The Art of Stretching: Why You Should Incorporate Daily Flexibility Exercises"
Extols the virtues of stretching for muscle health, flexibility, and injury prevention. But for cats, it's all about maintaining their impressive agility for impromptu zoomies and graceful leaps!
1 year ago
McDonalds ice cream machine
Not the hardest riddle.
These are just a few excuses we've heard as to why the darn things never work:
"Because the ice cream machine has developed stage fright—it's shy and prefers to perform only when there's no audience. We're working on its confidence."
"Because the ice cream machine is in cahoots with the napkin dispenser—it's their secret plan for world domination, one malfunction at a time."
"Because the ice cream machine is having an existential crisis—it's pondering the meaning of its soft-serve existence and needs some time off to find itself."
"Because the ice cream machine heard about global warming and decided to take a stand against melting—it's staging a protest by refusing to dispense anything cooler than room temperature."
"Because the ice cream machine is participating in a top-secret scientific experiment—it's being trained to communicate with extraterrestrial beings through Morse code encoded in sprinkles. Classified information, you know."
These are just a few excuses we've heard as to why the darn things never work:
"Because the ice cream machine has developed stage fright—it's shy and prefers to perform only when there's no audience. We're working on its confidence."
"Because the ice cream machine is in cahoots with the napkin dispenser—it's their secret plan for world domination, one malfunction at a time."
"Because the ice cream machine is having an existential crisis—it's pondering the meaning of its soft-serve existence and needs some time off to find itself."
"Because the ice cream machine heard about global warming and decided to take a stand against melting—it's staging a protest by refusing to dispense anything cooler than room temperature."
"Because the ice cream machine is participating in a top-secret scientific experiment—it's being trained to communicate with extraterrestrial beings through Morse code encoded in sprinkles. Classified information, you know."
1 year ago
Sounds like a fun evening
Who got the honor of cleaning that up? One thing is clear though he loved it! Dogs are awesome and you proved dog like affinity to him! here is why I think pissing on the floor like a dog would make you more attractive to your boyfriend:
"The Alpha Dog Display": By marking your territory like a confident canine, you assert dominance and show your boyfriend who's the boss. It's a primal display of strength that'll have him howling with admiration.
"The Scent of Success": Your unique musk, reminiscent of freshly watered grass, is an irresistible aphrodisiac that'll have your boyfriend begging for more. Who needs expensive perfumes when you've got the natural allure of eau de urine?
"The Bonding Ritual": Sharing intimate moments, even bathroom-related ones, strengthens your bond as a couple. By embracing your inner pup, you invite your boyfriend into your world and create a deeper connection that transcends societal norms.
"The Playful Puddle Prance": Pissing on the floor like a dog is a playful way to inject some fun and spontaneity into your relationship. It's like turning everyday chores into a whimsical game of canine capers—a surefire way to keep the romance alive.
"The Wet 'n' Wild Fantasy": Let's face it—there's something undeniably sexy about breaking the rules and indulging in forbidden pleasures. By embracing your inner rebel and embracing your primal instincts, you ignite a fiery passion that'll leave your boyfriend panting for more.
"The Alpha Dog Display": By marking your territory like a confident canine, you assert dominance and show your boyfriend who's the boss. It's a primal display of strength that'll have him howling with admiration.
"The Scent of Success": Your unique musk, reminiscent of freshly watered grass, is an irresistible aphrodisiac that'll have your boyfriend begging for more. Who needs expensive perfumes when you've got the natural allure of eau de urine?
"The Bonding Ritual": Sharing intimate moments, even bathroom-related ones, strengthens your bond as a couple. By embracing your inner pup, you invite your boyfriend into your world and create a deeper connection that transcends societal norms.
"The Playful Puddle Prance": Pissing on the floor like a dog is a playful way to inject some fun and spontaneity into your relationship. It's like turning everyday chores into a whimsical game of canine capers—a surefire way to keep the romance alive.
"The Wet 'n' Wild Fantasy": Let's face it—there's something undeniably sexy about breaking the rules and indulging in forbidden pleasures. By embracing your inner rebel and embracing your primal instincts, you ignite a fiery passion that'll leave your boyfriend panting for more.
