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1 year ago
Not the vets penis
Clarifying that was extremely important. The vet does not want a kitty BJ and here's a few reasons why:
The Paws and Perversion: "Because while cats may have a reputation for grooming themselves, that's where we draw the line—nobody wants a 'meow-massage' from their feline friend, especially not in the vet's office!"
The Furball Fiasco: "Because getting a tongue bath from your cat is one thing, but letting them go to town on your nether regions is a whole other ballgame—literally. Plus, who wants to explain those scratch marks to their significant other?"
The Scratching Post Scandal: "Because cats may have rough tongues, but that's no excuse for them to treat the vet's genitalia like a scratching post. It's a vet's office, not a feline fetish dungeon!"
The Hairball Horror: "Because if there's one thing worse than a hairball, it's a hairball in the wrong place—like, say, your vet's crotch. Nobody wants to deal with that mess, not even the most dedicated cat lover."
The Kitty Catastrophe: "Because while cats may be curious creatures, there are some things they're better off not exploring—like the vet's private parts. Let's leave the 'pussyfooting' to the professionals, shall we?"
The Paws and Perversion: "Because while cats may have a reputation for grooming themselves, that's where we draw the line—nobody wants a 'meow-massage' from their feline friend, especially not in the vet's office!"
The Furball Fiasco: "Because getting a tongue bath from your cat is one thing, but letting them go to town on your nether regions is a whole other ballgame—literally. Plus, who wants to explain those scratch marks to their significant other?"
The Scratching Post Scandal: "Because cats may have rough tongues, but that's no excuse for them to treat the vet's genitalia like a scratching post. It's a vet's office, not a feline fetish dungeon!"
The Hairball Horror: "Because if there's one thing worse than a hairball, it's a hairball in the wrong place—like, say, your vet's crotch. Nobody wants to deal with that mess, not even the most dedicated cat lover."
The Kitty Catastrophe: "Because while cats may be curious creatures, there are some things they're better off not exploring—like the vet's private parts. Let's leave the 'pussyfooting' to the professionals, shall we?"
1 year ago
I will never financially recover
99$ for a three piece meal with small fries, here are a few other pocket breaking menu items making sure you need a second mortgage to go with your movie meal:
"Microwave Popcorn: Now with the added luxury tax for that authentic 'cinematic crunch' experience. Enjoy your kernels of gold!"
"Tap Water: Filtered through diamond-encrusted faucets for that extra sparkle. Hydration has never been so exclusive!"
"Candy Corn: Each kernel individually hand-carved by artisanal candy sculptors. Sweetness has never been this pretentious!"
"Gummy Bears: Infused with unicorn tears and rainbow essence for that extra burst of magic. Each bear is like a tiny, chewy piece of fantasy!"
"Paper Napkins: Made from the finest silk threads harvested from rare, endangered silk worms. Absorbency has never felt so luxurious!"
"Microwave Popcorn: Now with the added luxury tax for that authentic 'cinematic crunch' experience. Enjoy your kernels of gold!"
"Tap Water: Filtered through diamond-encrusted faucets for that extra sparkle. Hydration has never been so exclusive!"
"Candy Corn: Each kernel individually hand-carved by artisanal candy sculptors. Sweetness has never been this pretentious!"
"Gummy Bears: Infused with unicorn tears and rainbow essence for that extra burst of magic. Each bear is like a tiny, chewy piece of fantasy!"
"Paper Napkins: Made from the finest silk threads harvested from rare, endangered silk worms. Absorbency has never felt so luxurious!"
1 year ago
Best date ever?
Well no but it was memorable, we have a few happier but still quite quirky options
Here are five mundane yet unexpectedly funny places for a memorable date:
The 24-Hour Superstore Adventure: Embark on a late-night escapade at a 24-hour superstore, exploring the aisles and indulging in some retail therapy. Bond over silly impulse purchases, like glow-in-the-dark socks or novelty kitchen gadgets.
The Self-Service Car Wash: Roll up your sleeves and head to a self-service car wash for a sudsy date night. Laugh as you struggle to navigate the high-pressure hoses and foam brushes, turning a mundane chore into a hilarious adventure.
The Public Library Poetry Reading: Attend a poetry reading at your local public library and take turns reading aloud from the most obscure and nonsensical poetry books you can find. Bonus points for dramatic interpretations and over-the-top accents.
The Dollar Store DIY Challenge: Set a budget and challenge each other to find the most ridiculous items at a dollar store, then use them to create DIY crafts or decorate each other's living spaces. Get creative and let your imaginations run wild!
The Office Supply Store Art Show: Wander through the aisles of an office supply store and marvel at the mundane beauty of everyday office supplies. Challenge each other to create miniature masterpieces using only items found in the store, like paper clips, sticky notes, and rubber bands.
Here are five mundane yet unexpectedly funny places for a memorable date:
The 24-Hour Superstore Adventure: Embark on a late-night escapade at a 24-hour superstore, exploring the aisles and indulging in some retail therapy. Bond over silly impulse purchases, like glow-in-the-dark socks or novelty kitchen gadgets.
The Self-Service Car Wash: Roll up your sleeves and head to a self-service car wash for a sudsy date night. Laugh as you struggle to navigate the high-pressure hoses and foam brushes, turning a mundane chore into a hilarious adventure.
The Public Library Poetry Reading: Attend a poetry reading at your local public library and take turns reading aloud from the most obscure and nonsensical poetry books you can find. Bonus points for dramatic interpretations and over-the-top accents.
The Dollar Store DIY Challenge: Set a budget and challenge each other to find the most ridiculous items at a dollar store, then use them to create DIY crafts or decorate each other's living spaces. Get creative and let your imaginations run wild!
The Office Supply Store Art Show: Wander through the aisles of an office supply store and marvel at the mundane beauty of everyday office supplies. Challenge each other to create miniature masterpieces using only items found in the store, like paper clips, sticky notes, and rubber bands.
1 year ago
Asking the important questions!
How could she ever trust him if a simple thing as her magically turning into a worm would stop his love!
This could also have some upsides
Low Maintenance: No need for fancy dinners or expensive gifts – just a bit of soil and maybe an apple core now and then, and she's good to go!
Always By Your Side: Literally! She'll be right there with you, wriggling along, whether you're gardening or taking a stroll in the park.
Great Listener: She may not be able to talk, but she's a pro at listening. Just pour your heart out and watch her wiggle in understanding.
Eco-Friendly: Think of her as the ultimate composting companion! With her around, you'll have the best organic fertilizer for your garden.
Unforgettable Dates: Who needs fancy restaurants when you can have a romantic picnic in the dirt, complete with earthworm-inspired cuisine? It's a date you'll never forget!
This could also have some upsides
Low Maintenance: No need for fancy dinners or expensive gifts – just a bit of soil and maybe an apple core now and then, and she's good to go!
Always By Your Side: Literally! She'll be right there with you, wriggling along, whether you're gardening or taking a stroll in the park.
Great Listener: She may not be able to talk, but she's a pro at listening. Just pour your heart out and watch her wiggle in understanding.
Eco-Friendly: Think of her as the ultimate composting companion! With her around, you'll have the best organic fertilizer for your garden.
Unforgettable Dates: Who needs fancy restaurants when you can have a romantic picnic in the dirt, complete with earthworm-inspired cuisine? It's a date you'll never forget!
1 year ago
Super Mad Terrible Mother
Another person who's going to be put in a home at 53. But we're all about excuses here, maybe she has some good reasons? As a fellow person with an IQ as large as my shoe size I thought up of these totally valid reasons why you shouldn't share your onlyfans money with your kids:
"College Fund? More Like Fortnite Fund": Why waste your hard-earned OnlyFans money on boring stuff like college tuition when you could be investing in something truly important—like your kid's Fortnite skins collection? After all, who needs a degree when you can dominate the Battle Royale scene?
"The Tooth Fairy's Got Competition": Forget about loose change under the pillow—the real money maker in town is your OnlyFans account. Your kids will thank you for keeping the cash flow steady and the tooth fairy in business. Who knew dental hygiene could be so profitable?
"Parenting by Subscription": With your OnlyFans income, you can subscribe to the ultimate parenting plan: outsourcing all your responsibilities to the nearest daycare center. Let the professionals handle the diapers and tantrums while you focus on more important things—like perfecting your selfie game.
"The Ultimate Show-and-Tell Flex": Forget about boring show-and-tell presentations featuring stuffed animals and family photos. Your kids will be the envy of the playground when they strut their stuff with a brand-new iPhone, courtesy of your OnlyFans earnings. Who needs friends when you have the latest tech gadgets?
"The Real MVP: Mom's Versace Purse": Your kids may not appreciate it now, but one day they'll thank you for keeping up appearances with your designer handbags and luxury accessories. Who needs food on the table when you can have the latest fashion trends at your fingertips?
"College Fund? More Like Fortnite Fund": Why waste your hard-earned OnlyFans money on boring stuff like college tuition when you could be investing in something truly important—like your kid's Fortnite skins collection? After all, who needs a degree when you can dominate the Battle Royale scene?
"The Tooth Fairy's Got Competition": Forget about loose change under the pillow—the real money maker in town is your OnlyFans account. Your kids will thank you for keeping the cash flow steady and the tooth fairy in business. Who knew dental hygiene could be so profitable?
"Parenting by Subscription": With your OnlyFans income, you can subscribe to the ultimate parenting plan: outsourcing all your responsibilities to the nearest daycare center. Let the professionals handle the diapers and tantrums while you focus on more important things—like perfecting your selfie game.
"The Ultimate Show-and-Tell Flex": Forget about boring show-and-tell presentations featuring stuffed animals and family photos. Your kids will be the envy of the playground when they strut their stuff with a brand-new iPhone, courtesy of your OnlyFans earnings. Who needs friends when you have the latest tech gadgets?
"The Real MVP: Mom's Versace Purse": Your kids may not appreciate it now, but one day they'll thank you for keeping up appearances with your designer handbags and luxury accessories. Who needs food on the table when you can have the latest fashion trends at your fingertips?
11 months ago
12 months ago
