Register for a no ad experience.
12 months ago
Better then early for anal
That shows a sort of eagerness people just aren't ready for.
Being punctual for butt stuff is a cornerstone of civilized society I always say (I keep getting told I should say something else) so I decided to share a few tenants of anal punctuality with you :
"The Punctual Pucker Principle": Being late for anal is like missing the last train out of Sphincterville—you're stuck waiting at the station while everyone else is already on their way to Pleasure Town. Who knew punctuality was the key to unlocking the backdoor to bliss?
"The Tardy Tushie Troubles": Showing up late for anal is like arriving at a party after the cake's been cut—you're left with nothing but crumbs and regret. Who needs a slice of cake when you could have had a slice of... well, you get the idea.
"The Chronically Clenched Cheeks Conundrum": Being late for anal is like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole—it's uncomfortable, awkward, and bound to end in disappointment. Who knew that being fashionably late could lead to a fashionably sore bum?
"The Missed Moment of Mastertail": Showing up late for anal is like missing the grand finale of a fireworks show—you're left watching from the sidelines while everyone else is oohing and aahing at the spectacular display. Who needs fireworks when you could have had a bootyful explosion of pleasure?
"The Delayed Derriere Dilemma": Being late for anal is like arriving at the airport after your flight has already taken off—you're left stranded at the gate with nothing but a boarding pass to nowhere. Who needs a vacation when you could have had a trip to the moon and back?
Being punctual for butt stuff is a cornerstone of civilized society I always say (I keep getting told I should say something else) so I decided to share a few tenants of anal punctuality with you :
"The Punctual Pucker Principle": Being late for anal is like missing the last train out of Sphincterville—you're stuck waiting at the station while everyone else is already on their way to Pleasure Town. Who knew punctuality was the key to unlocking the backdoor to bliss?
"The Tardy Tushie Troubles": Showing up late for anal is like arriving at a party after the cake's been cut—you're left with nothing but crumbs and regret. Who needs a slice of cake when you could have had a slice of... well, you get the idea.
"The Chronically Clenched Cheeks Conundrum": Being late for anal is like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole—it's uncomfortable, awkward, and bound to end in disappointment. Who knew that being fashionably late could lead to a fashionably sore bum?
"The Missed Moment of Mastertail": Showing up late for anal is like missing the grand finale of a fireworks show—you're left watching from the sidelines while everyone else is oohing and aahing at the spectacular display. Who needs fireworks when you could have had a bootyful explosion of pleasure?
"The Delayed Derriere Dilemma": Being late for anal is like arriving at the airport after your flight has already taken off—you're left stranded at the gate with nothing but a boarding pass to nowhere. Who needs a vacation when you could have had a trip to the moon and back?
12 months ago
Attitude stays in
Wish it could go away but it stays. Why does it though? Shouldn't your body be able to purge toxic things from itself? We asked an alcoholic riding a donkey and he came up with these reasons why you can't vomit out a bad attitude:
"The Sour Stomach Syndrome:" Trying to vomit out a bad attitude is like expecting your stomach to turn into a therapist's couch—it's just not equipped to handle emotional baggage. Instead of purging negativity, you're more likely to end up with heartburn and a whole new set of problems to worry about.
"The Bitter Belch Backfire:" Attempting to vomit out a bad attitude is like trying to belch out your inner demons—it might provide temporary relief, but it's not a long-term solution. Instead of exorcising negativity, you're more likely to just make everyone within earshot uncomfortable and slightly nauseous.
"The Cranky Cough-Up Conundrum:" Trying to vomit out a bad attitude is like expecting your body to cough up a hairball—it's messy, unpleasant, and probably not going to solve anything. Instead of expelling negativity, you're more likely to just end up with a sore throat and a lingering sense of bitterness.
"The Pessimistic Projectile Problem:" Attempting to vomit out a bad attitude is like trying to projectile vomit your way to positivity—it's messy, ineffective, and likely to leave a trail of destruction in its wake. Instead of cleansing your soul, you're more likely to just traumatize everyone within a five-foot radius and ruin the carpet.
"The Grouchy Gag Reflex:" Trying to vomit out a bad attitude is like expecting your body to reject negativity like a bad oyster—it's wishful thinking at best and downright foolish at worst. Instead of purging toxicity, you're more likely to just trigger your gag reflex and end up feeling even worse than before.
"The Sour Stomach Syndrome:" Trying to vomit out a bad attitude is like expecting your stomach to turn into a therapist's couch—it's just not equipped to handle emotional baggage. Instead of purging negativity, you're more likely to end up with heartburn and a whole new set of problems to worry about.
"The Bitter Belch Backfire:" Attempting to vomit out a bad attitude is like trying to belch out your inner demons—it might provide temporary relief, but it's not a long-term solution. Instead of exorcising negativity, you're more likely to just make everyone within earshot uncomfortable and slightly nauseous.
"The Cranky Cough-Up Conundrum:" Trying to vomit out a bad attitude is like expecting your body to cough up a hairball—it's messy, unpleasant, and probably not going to solve anything. Instead of expelling negativity, you're more likely to just end up with a sore throat and a lingering sense of bitterness.
"The Pessimistic Projectile Problem:" Attempting to vomit out a bad attitude is like trying to projectile vomit your way to positivity—it's messy, ineffective, and likely to leave a trail of destruction in its wake. Instead of cleansing your soul, you're more likely to just traumatize everyone within a five-foot radius and ruin the carpet.
"The Grouchy Gag Reflex:" Trying to vomit out a bad attitude is like expecting your body to reject negativity like a bad oyster—it's wishful thinking at best and downright foolish at worst. Instead of purging toxicity, you're more likely to just trigger your gag reflex and end up feeling even worse than before.
12 months ago
Got caught on onlyfans
Deposit amount 7.21$. Or 50,000$ if she's actually good at it. Though the problem persists she got caught. Here's some top tier excuses to give your parents when they find out you made an OnlyFans:
"The Entrepreneurial Endeavor": "I'm just trying to diversify my portfolio, Mom and Dad! OnlyFans seemed like a more lucrative investment than the stock market—plus, I heard they're giving out signing bonuses."
"The Artistic Expression": "It's performance art, Dad. I'm exploring the intersection of nudity and existentialism, pushing the boundaries of society's expectations and challenging the notion of what it means to be human. Also, I needed rent money."
"The Catfish Caper": "I'm not actually on OnlyFans, Mom. Someone must have stolen my identity and set up a fake account using all my photos and personal information. It's a classic case of online impersonation—honestly, I'm flattered they think I'm hot enough to scam people."
"The Social Experiment": "I'm conducting a groundbreaking sociological study on the commodification of intimacy in the digital age. It's all in the name of science, Mom—I swear! Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to analyzing my subscriber demographics."
"The Digital Nomad Dream": "I've decided to quit my day job and become a full-time content creator, Dad. OnlyFans is just the beginning—I'm planning to expand into YouTube, Twitch, and maybe even TikTok if I can figure out how to dance. It's the millennial dream, really—working from home in my pajamas and getting paid to be myself."
"The Entrepreneurial Endeavor": "I'm just trying to diversify my portfolio, Mom and Dad! OnlyFans seemed like a more lucrative investment than the stock market—plus, I heard they're giving out signing bonuses."
"The Artistic Expression": "It's performance art, Dad. I'm exploring the intersection of nudity and existentialism, pushing the boundaries of society's expectations and challenging the notion of what it means to be human. Also, I needed rent money."
"The Catfish Caper": "I'm not actually on OnlyFans, Mom. Someone must have stolen my identity and set up a fake account using all my photos and personal information. It's a classic case of online impersonation—honestly, I'm flattered they think I'm hot enough to scam people."
"The Social Experiment": "I'm conducting a groundbreaking sociological study on the commodification of intimacy in the digital age. It's all in the name of science, Mom—I swear! Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to analyzing my subscriber demographics."
"The Digital Nomad Dream": "I've decided to quit my day job and become a full-time content creator, Dad. OnlyFans is just the beginning—I'm planning to expand into YouTube, Twitch, and maybe even TikTok if I can figure out how to dance. It's the millennial dream, really—working from home in my pajamas and getting paid to be myself."
9 months ago
9 months ago
12 months ago
Speaking harsh truths
Something she didn't want to hear. His lackluster fighting prowess is known internationally though! Here's some examples of why he should go to self defense classes:
"The Paper Tiger Paradox": "Because despite his tough exterior, her man has the fighting prowess of a kitten tangled in yarn. Sure, he might throw a mean punch, but when push comes to shove, he's more likely to trip over his own shoelaces than land a knockout blow."
"The Pillow Punch Predicament": "Because even though he talks a big game, her man's idea of a fight involves flailing his arms like a windmill and hoping for the best. It's like watching a toddler throw a tantrum—lots of noise, but zero impact."
"The Conflict-Resolution Comedy": "Because whenever they argue, her man's attempts at intimidation are about as effective as trying to scare off a grizzly bear with a rubber duck. He might puff out his chest and roar like a lion, but deep down, he's more of a scaredy-cat than a king of the jungle."
"The Chicken Wing Showdown": "Because when it comes to throwing down, her man's signature move is the 'chicken wing'—a half-hearted attempt at aggression that usually ends with him flapping his arms like a distressed poultry. It's less 'Rocky' and more 'Rubber Chicken.'"
"The Pacifist Punchline": "Because her man's idea of a fight involves more apologies than actual punches. He's like a human punching bag—taking hit after hit with a smile on his face and a 'sorry' on his lips. It's less 'Fight Club' and more 'Hug Club.'"
"The Paper Tiger Paradox": "Because despite his tough exterior, her man has the fighting prowess of a kitten tangled in yarn. Sure, he might throw a mean punch, but when push comes to shove, he's more likely to trip over his own shoelaces than land a knockout blow."
"The Pillow Punch Predicament": "Because even though he talks a big game, her man's idea of a fight involves flailing his arms like a windmill and hoping for the best. It's like watching a toddler throw a tantrum—lots of noise, but zero impact."
"The Conflict-Resolution Comedy": "Because whenever they argue, her man's attempts at intimidation are about as effective as trying to scare off a grizzly bear with a rubber duck. He might puff out his chest and roar like a lion, but deep down, he's more of a scaredy-cat than a king of the jungle."
"The Chicken Wing Showdown": "Because when it comes to throwing down, her man's signature move is the 'chicken wing'—a half-hearted attempt at aggression that usually ends with him flapping his arms like a distressed poultry. It's less 'Rocky' and more 'Rubber Chicken.'"
"The Pacifist Punchline": "Because her man's idea of a fight involves more apologies than actual punches. He's like a human punching bag—taking hit after hit with a smile on his face and a 'sorry' on his lips. It's less 'Fight Club' and more 'Hug Club.'"
12 months ago
Driving is hard
Automatics are better change my mind in the comments though you won't be able to, driving shift is hell and here's a few reasons why:
The Clutch Conundrum: "Because mastering the art of the clutch pedal is like trying to solve a Rubik's Cube blindfolded—except instead of colors, you're just trying to figure out how not to stall in the middle of rush hour traffic."
The Manual Misery: "Because driving stick shift is like participating in an extreme sport—except instead of adrenaline, you're filled with existential dread every time you approach a steep hill."
The Traffic Tango: "Because navigating stop-and-go traffic in a manual transmission is like playing a high-stakes game of Twister with your feet—left foot on the clutch, right foot on the brake, left hand on the gearshift...and pray you don't accidentally hit the horn."
The Parking Predicament: "Because parallel parking in a stick shift is the ultimate test of patience and coordination—forget about inching your way into the space, it's more like a full-blown tango with the curb."
The Gearshift Grief: "Because trying to explain to your friends why you drive stick is like trying to explain why you still use a flip phone in 2025—sure, it's quirky and retro, but mostly it's just a pain in the clutch."
The Clutch Conundrum: "Because mastering the art of the clutch pedal is like trying to solve a Rubik's Cube blindfolded—except instead of colors, you're just trying to figure out how not to stall in the middle of rush hour traffic."
The Manual Misery: "Because driving stick shift is like participating in an extreme sport—except instead of adrenaline, you're filled with existential dread every time you approach a steep hill."
The Traffic Tango: "Because navigating stop-and-go traffic in a manual transmission is like playing a high-stakes game of Twister with your feet—left foot on the clutch, right foot on the brake, left hand on the gearshift...and pray you don't accidentally hit the horn."
The Parking Predicament: "Because parallel parking in a stick shift is the ultimate test of patience and coordination—forget about inching your way into the space, it's more like a full-blown tango with the curb."
The Gearshift Grief: "Because trying to explain to your friends why you drive stick is like trying to explain why you still use a flip phone in 2025—sure, it's quirky and retro, but mostly it's just a pain in the clutch."
