Register for a no ad experience.
2 years ago
Run girl or get a gun or both
He seems like he'd make a skin-suit out of her. I guess I'm not allowed to technically say you should shoot him outright *wink wink* so here are some Home Alone style ways you can protect yourself from a dangerous stalker!
DIY Booby Traps: Channel your inner MacGyver and rig up some hilarious yet effective booby traps using household items. Think strategically placed marbles, buckets of slime over doorways, and strategically positioned rubber chickens. Who knew self-defense could be so slapstick?
Fake-Out Escape Plans: Set up fake escape routes that lead nowhere, like a hallway of cardboard cutouts or a secret door that opens to reveal a closet full of old Halloween costumes. Your stalker will be left scratching their head while you make a real getaway.
Inflatable Doppelgangers: Invest in a few life-sized inflatable replicas of yourself to scatter around the house. Your stalker won't know which one is the real you, giving you plenty of time to slip away unnoticed while they're busy interrogating your vinyl doppelgangers.
Kitchen Chaos: Turn your kitchen into a culinary battleground by strategically placing pots, pans, and utensils within arm's reach. When your stalker least expects it, unleash a barrage of flying cookware to send them running for cover—or at least ducking for cover.
Animal Allies: Enlist the help of your furry (or feathery) friends to thwart your stalker's advances. Train your pet parrot to squawk obscenities whenever they approach or teach your cat to trip them up with well-timed leg weaves. After all, who needs a guard dog when you have a guard chicken?
DIY Booby Traps: Channel your inner MacGyver and rig up some hilarious yet effective booby traps using household items. Think strategically placed marbles, buckets of slime over doorways, and strategically positioned rubber chickens. Who knew self-defense could be so slapstick?
Fake-Out Escape Plans: Set up fake escape routes that lead nowhere, like a hallway of cardboard cutouts or a secret door that opens to reveal a closet full of old Halloween costumes. Your stalker will be left scratching their head while you make a real getaway.
Inflatable Doppelgangers: Invest in a few life-sized inflatable replicas of yourself to scatter around the house. Your stalker won't know which one is the real you, giving you plenty of time to slip away unnoticed while they're busy interrogating your vinyl doppelgangers.
Kitchen Chaos: Turn your kitchen into a culinary battleground by strategically placing pots, pans, and utensils within arm's reach. When your stalker least expects it, unleash a barrage of flying cookware to send them running for cover—or at least ducking for cover.
Animal Allies: Enlist the help of your furry (or feathery) friends to thwart your stalker's advances. Train your pet parrot to squawk obscenities whenever they approach or teach your cat to trip them up with well-timed leg weaves. After all, who needs a guard dog when you have a guard chicken?
2 years ago
Shitty red wine!
Some really nice honest marketing right there, and that's a good thing since it works! Here's a few reasons why brutally honest unfaltering advertising works sometimes:
The Brutal Honesty: "Because let's face it, when a product admits it's mediocre, we're just relieved it's not pretending to be something it's not. It's like a bad date being refreshingly upfront about their flaws."
The Truthful Tagline: "Because in a world of overhyped slogans and exaggerated claims, an ad that says 'This Product Probably Won't Change Your Life, But It's Not Terrible' is strangely compelling. Honesty is the best policy, even in advertising!"
The Refreshing Reality: "Because when an ad admits its flaws, it's like a breath of fresh air in a sea of polished perfection. We may not buy the product, but we'll definitely remember the ad!"
The Relatable Revelation: "Because when a product acknowledges its shortcomings, it becomes instantly relatable. We've all been disappointed by overhyped products before, so why not embrace the honesty and laugh along with the ad?"
The Honest Hilarity: "Because let's be real, a brutally honest ad is just plain funny. Whether it's poking fun at its own flaws or calling out the competition, honesty in advertising is a recipe for comedy gold—and maybe even a few sales!"
The Brutal Honesty: "Because let's face it, when a product admits it's mediocre, we're just relieved it's not pretending to be something it's not. It's like a bad date being refreshingly upfront about their flaws."
The Truthful Tagline: "Because in a world of overhyped slogans and exaggerated claims, an ad that says 'This Product Probably Won't Change Your Life, But It's Not Terrible' is strangely compelling. Honesty is the best policy, even in advertising!"
The Refreshing Reality: "Because when an ad admits its flaws, it's like a breath of fresh air in a sea of polished perfection. We may not buy the product, but we'll definitely remember the ad!"
The Relatable Revelation: "Because when a product acknowledges its shortcomings, it becomes instantly relatable. We've all been disappointed by overhyped products before, so why not embrace the honesty and laugh along with the ad?"
The Honest Hilarity: "Because let's be real, a brutally honest ad is just plain funny. Whether it's poking fun at its own flaws or calling out the competition, honesty in advertising is a recipe for comedy gold—and maybe even a few sales!"
2 years ago
Enjoy family life my dude
No takesie baksies. But you can suesis themsies! Here are some ways you could argue some sweet honeymoon money out of them in court:
The Cap Proposal Catastrophe: Argue that the soft drink company's "will you marry me" printed bottle cap was a reckless act of romantic sabotage. You innocently twisted open a bottle, only to be blindsided by an unexpected marriage proposal from a stranger who mistook you for the love of their life.
The Cap Conundrum Conspiracy: Accuse the soft drink company of orchestrating a diabolical plot to disrupt the institution of marriage with their mischievous bottle caps. You were just trying to enjoy a refreshing beverage when you inadvertently became entangled in their matrimonial mayhem.
The Cap Caprice Calamity: Assert that the soft drink company's whimsical "will you marry me" bottle cap campaign was a reckless gamble with people's emotions. You never intended to tie the knot with a random passerby, but the irresistible allure of the proposal printed on the cap led to a comedy of errors.
The Cap Chaos Controversy: Claim that the soft drink company's ill-advised decision to print "will you marry me" on their bottle caps caused widespread confusion and chaos. You thought you were simply indulging in a refreshing beverage, not unwittingly entering into a lifelong commitment with a stranger.
The Cap Capitulation Comedy: Assert that the soft drink company's mischievous "will you marry me" bottle cap campaign was a comedic disaster waiting to happen. You never imagined that a simple twist of a cap would lead to an impromptu marriage proposal from a bewildered bystander.
The Cap Proposal Catastrophe: Argue that the soft drink company's "will you marry me" printed bottle cap was a reckless act of romantic sabotage. You innocently twisted open a bottle, only to be blindsided by an unexpected marriage proposal from a stranger who mistook you for the love of their life.
The Cap Conundrum Conspiracy: Accuse the soft drink company of orchestrating a diabolical plot to disrupt the institution of marriage with their mischievous bottle caps. You were just trying to enjoy a refreshing beverage when you inadvertently became entangled in their matrimonial mayhem.
The Cap Caprice Calamity: Assert that the soft drink company's whimsical "will you marry me" bottle cap campaign was a reckless gamble with people's emotions. You never intended to tie the knot with a random passerby, but the irresistible allure of the proposal printed on the cap led to a comedy of errors.
The Cap Chaos Controversy: Claim that the soft drink company's ill-advised decision to print "will you marry me" on their bottle caps caused widespread confusion and chaos. You thought you were simply indulging in a refreshing beverage, not unwittingly entering into a lifelong commitment with a stranger.
The Cap Capitulation Comedy: Assert that the soft drink company's mischievous "will you marry me" bottle cap campaign was a comedic disaster waiting to happen. You never imagined that a simple twist of a cap would lead to an impromptu marriage proposal from a bewildered bystander.
2 years ago
I have seen women yes
So out of my league it's depressing, there might be a few reasons why this person might be facing this issue:
"The Waifu Worshipper": I'm about as likely to land a date as a neckbeard at a speed dating event. My devotion to my waifu is stronger than my ability to approach real-life women. At least my body pillow doesn't judge my taste in anime.
"The Body Pillow Bachelor": Let's face it, my chances of scoring a date are slimmer than an anime protagonist's chances of winning a harem. My body pillow is my one true love—it never complains about my questionable hygiene habits or my extensive collection of waifu figurines.
"The Anime Aficionado": I'm more comfortable discussing the intricacies of anime plotlines than I am flirting with real people. My idea of a romantic evening involves binge-watching my favorite series with my body pillow by my side. Who needs a date when you have a waifu to keep you company?
"The Neckbeard Novice": I've mastered the art of growing a neckbeard, but when it comes to dating, I'm as clueless as a side character in a harem anime. My attempts at wooing women are about as successful as a tsundere's attempts to confess her feelings. Guess I'll stick to my body pillow for now.
"The Forever Alone Otaku": My love life is as barren as the desert wastelands in a post-apocalyptic anime. While my friends are out on dates, I'm at home cuddling my body pillow and rewatching my favorite series for the umpteenth time. Who needs romance when you have waifus and body pillows?
"The Waifu Worshipper": I'm about as likely to land a date as a neckbeard at a speed dating event. My devotion to my waifu is stronger than my ability to approach real-life women. At least my body pillow doesn't judge my taste in anime.
"The Body Pillow Bachelor": Let's face it, my chances of scoring a date are slimmer than an anime protagonist's chances of winning a harem. My body pillow is my one true love—it never complains about my questionable hygiene habits or my extensive collection of waifu figurines.
"The Anime Aficionado": I'm more comfortable discussing the intricacies of anime plotlines than I am flirting with real people. My idea of a romantic evening involves binge-watching my favorite series with my body pillow by my side. Who needs a date when you have a waifu to keep you company?
"The Neckbeard Novice": I've mastered the art of growing a neckbeard, but when it comes to dating, I'm as clueless as a side character in a harem anime. My attempts at wooing women are about as successful as a tsundere's attempts to confess her feelings. Guess I'll stick to my body pillow for now.
"The Forever Alone Otaku": My love life is as barren as the desert wastelands in a post-apocalyptic anime. While my friends are out on dates, I'm at home cuddling my body pillow and rewatching my favorite series for the umpteenth time. Who needs romance when you have waifus and body pillows?
2 years ago
Stop it he's already dead
She brought a nuke to a knife fight. Since this guy's here to chew bubblegum and disrespect women and he's all out of bubblegum we asked ourselves why misogynists can't get dates and came up with these reasons so our girlfriends don't dump us :
"The Bro-tastic Backfire:" Misogynists can't get dates because their attempts at bro-ing out with potential partners are about as successful as a fish riding a bicycle. Instead of bonding over shared interests, they're more likely to mansplain football stats and lecture on the merits of Axe body spray—leaving everyone within earshot wondering if they've accidentally stumbled into a frat house.
"The Chauvinistic Checklist Catastrophe:" Misogynists struggle to get dates because their dating criteria are more outdated than a VHS tape. Instead of seeking compatibility and connection, they're more concerned with finding a partner who fits their narrow definition of femininity—preferably one who doesn't challenge their fragile ego or expect basic human decency.
"The Macho Meltdown Misadventure:" Misogynists can't get dates because their idea of seduction is about as smooth as sandpaper. Instead of wooing potential partners with charm and charisma, they're more likely to flex their muscles and brag about their conquests—leaving everyone within earshot rolling their eyes and reaching for the nearest exit.
"The Sexist Self-Sabotage Shuffle:" Misogynists struggle to get dates because they're too busy shooting themselves in the foot with their outdated attitudes and offensive behavior. Instead of treating potential partners with respect and kindness, they're more likely to insult their intelligence and belittle their accomplishments—leaving everyone within earshot wondering why they bother leaving the house.
"The Tinder Trash Talk Trainwreck:" Misogynists can't get dates because their online dating profiles are about as appealing as a soggy sandwich. Instead of showcasing their personality and interests, they're more likely to rant about "feminazis" and complain about being "nice guys"—leaving potential matches swiping left faster than you can say "fragile masculinity."
"The Bro-tastic Backfire:" Misogynists can't get dates because their attempts at bro-ing out with potential partners are about as successful as a fish riding a bicycle. Instead of bonding over shared interests, they're more likely to mansplain football stats and lecture on the merits of Axe body spray—leaving everyone within earshot wondering if they've accidentally stumbled into a frat house.
"The Chauvinistic Checklist Catastrophe:" Misogynists struggle to get dates because their dating criteria are more outdated than a VHS tape. Instead of seeking compatibility and connection, they're more concerned with finding a partner who fits their narrow definition of femininity—preferably one who doesn't challenge their fragile ego or expect basic human decency.
"The Macho Meltdown Misadventure:" Misogynists can't get dates because their idea of seduction is about as smooth as sandpaper. Instead of wooing potential partners with charm and charisma, they're more likely to flex their muscles and brag about their conquests—leaving everyone within earshot rolling their eyes and reaching for the nearest exit.
"The Sexist Self-Sabotage Shuffle:" Misogynists struggle to get dates because they're too busy shooting themselves in the foot with their outdated attitudes and offensive behavior. Instead of treating potential partners with respect and kindness, they're more likely to insult their intelligence and belittle their accomplishments—leaving everyone within earshot wondering why they bother leaving the house.
"The Tinder Trash Talk Trainwreck:" Misogynists can't get dates because their online dating profiles are about as appealing as a soggy sandwich. Instead of showcasing their personality and interests, they're more likely to rant about "feminazis" and complain about being "nice guys"—leaving potential matches swiping left faster than you can say "fragile masculinity."
1 year ago
2 years ago
Trim the branches guys
Or the Home Owners Association will fine you 500$ and you'll still have to trim them yourselves. If Karen the president is feeling especially malicious there are some medieval punishments from the HOA charter from 1500 she could enforce:
"The Leafy Lasso": The HOA enforces a new policy where they tie oversized branches to your ankles, effectively turning you into a human tree. You'll be forced to prance around your yard like a leafy cowboy until you learn your lesson and trim those branches.
"The Tree Tickle Torture": In a cruel twist of fate, the HOA recruits a team of mischievous squirrels armed with tickle feathers. These furry fiends are set loose in your yard, tasked with tickling you mercilessly until you agree to trim your trees. It's a punishment that's equal parts hilarious and horrifying.
"The Branch Bash Bonanza": Your neighbors organize a festive event where they gather to pummel you with inflatable tree branches until you're covered in bruises and regret. It's like a twisted version of piñata, except instead of candy, you're showered with splinters and shame.
"The Arboreal Avenger": The HOA unveils their latest creation—a robotic tree trimmer named "Arboreal Avenger." This lumbering behemoth roams the neighborhood, seeking out untrimmed trees and exacting its revenge with ruthless efficiency. Resistance is futile—just ask the neighbor who tried to hide behind their bushes.
"The Foliage Fashion Fiasco": As punishment for your leafy transgressions, the HOA decrees that you must wear a suit made entirely of tree branches and leaves for a month. It's like living out your worst nightmare as a walking shrubbery, complete with squirrels mistaking you for their new home.
"The Leafy Lasso": The HOA enforces a new policy where they tie oversized branches to your ankles, effectively turning you into a human tree. You'll be forced to prance around your yard like a leafy cowboy until you learn your lesson and trim those branches.
"The Tree Tickle Torture": In a cruel twist of fate, the HOA recruits a team of mischievous squirrels armed with tickle feathers. These furry fiends are set loose in your yard, tasked with tickling you mercilessly until you agree to trim your trees. It's a punishment that's equal parts hilarious and horrifying.
"The Branch Bash Bonanza": Your neighbors organize a festive event where they gather to pummel you with inflatable tree branches until you're covered in bruises and regret. It's like a twisted version of piñata, except instead of candy, you're showered with splinters and shame.
"The Arboreal Avenger": The HOA unveils their latest creation—a robotic tree trimmer named "Arboreal Avenger." This lumbering behemoth roams the neighborhood, seeking out untrimmed trees and exacting its revenge with ruthless efficiency. Resistance is futile—just ask the neighbor who tried to hide behind their bushes.
"The Foliage Fashion Fiasco": As punishment for your leafy transgressions, the HOA decrees that you must wear a suit made entirely of tree branches and leaves for a month. It's like living out your worst nightmare as a walking shrubbery, complete with squirrels mistaking you for their new home.
