Register for a no ad experience.
12 months ago
Run girl or get a gun or both
He seems like he'd make a skin-suit out of her. I guess I'm not allowed to technically say you should shoot him outright *wink wink* so here are some Home Alone style ways you can protect yourself from a dangerous stalker!
DIY Booby Traps: Channel your inner MacGyver and rig up some hilarious yet effective booby traps using household items. Think strategically placed marbles, buckets of slime over doorways, and strategically positioned rubber chickens. Who knew self-defense could be so slapstick?
Fake-Out Escape Plans: Set up fake escape routes that lead nowhere, like a hallway of cardboard cutouts or a secret door that opens to reveal a closet full of old Halloween costumes. Your stalker will be left scratching their head while you make a real getaway.
Inflatable Doppelgangers: Invest in a few life-sized inflatable replicas of yourself to scatter around the house. Your stalker won't know which one is the real you, giving you plenty of time to slip away unnoticed while they're busy interrogating your vinyl doppelgangers.
Kitchen Chaos: Turn your kitchen into a culinary battleground by strategically placing pots, pans, and utensils within arm's reach. When your stalker least expects it, unleash a barrage of flying cookware to send them running for cover—or at least ducking for cover.
Animal Allies: Enlist the help of your furry (or feathery) friends to thwart your stalker's advances. Train your pet parrot to squawk obscenities whenever they approach or teach your cat to trip them up with well-timed leg weaves. After all, who needs a guard dog when you have a guard chicken?
DIY Booby Traps: Channel your inner MacGyver and rig up some hilarious yet effective booby traps using household items. Think strategically placed marbles, buckets of slime over doorways, and strategically positioned rubber chickens. Who knew self-defense could be so slapstick?
Fake-Out Escape Plans: Set up fake escape routes that lead nowhere, like a hallway of cardboard cutouts or a secret door that opens to reveal a closet full of old Halloween costumes. Your stalker will be left scratching their head while you make a real getaway.
Inflatable Doppelgangers: Invest in a few life-sized inflatable replicas of yourself to scatter around the house. Your stalker won't know which one is the real you, giving you plenty of time to slip away unnoticed while they're busy interrogating your vinyl doppelgangers.
Kitchen Chaos: Turn your kitchen into a culinary battleground by strategically placing pots, pans, and utensils within arm's reach. When your stalker least expects it, unleash a barrage of flying cookware to send them running for cover—or at least ducking for cover.
Animal Allies: Enlist the help of your furry (or feathery) friends to thwart your stalker's advances. Train your pet parrot to squawk obscenities whenever they approach or teach your cat to trip them up with well-timed leg weaves. After all, who needs a guard dog when you have a guard chicken?
12 months ago
Surprising amount of hair
Looney toons antics expected. We extracted Conan O'Briens personality and after questioning our life decisions that brought us here we decided that these are a few lines he would say under these circumstances:
"Well, folks, looks like I'm starting a new trend: shotgun hairdos! Who needs gel when you can have buckshot?"
"Ouch! That's what I get for trying to impress the audience with my 'bang' jokes!"
"I always knew my hair was explosive, but this is taking it to a whole new level!"
"Note to self: next time, aim the shotgun away from the face... and the hair!"
"They say laughter is the best medicine, but I think I'll stick to Advil after this one!"
"Well, folks, looks like I'm starting a new trend: shotgun hairdos! Who needs gel when you can have buckshot?"
"Ouch! That's what I get for trying to impress the audience with my 'bang' jokes!"
"I always knew my hair was explosive, but this is taking it to a whole new level!"
"Note to self: next time, aim the shotgun away from the face... and the hair!"
"They say laughter is the best medicine, but I think I'll stick to Advil after this one!"
12 months ago
Not the vets penis
Clarifying that was extremely important. The vet does not want a kitty BJ and here's a few reasons why:
The Paws and Perversion: "Because while cats may have a reputation for grooming themselves, that's where we draw the line—nobody wants a 'meow-massage' from their feline friend, especially not in the vet's office!"
The Furball Fiasco: "Because getting a tongue bath from your cat is one thing, but letting them go to town on your nether regions is a whole other ballgame—literally. Plus, who wants to explain those scratch marks to their significant other?"
The Scratching Post Scandal: "Because cats may have rough tongues, but that's no excuse for them to treat the vet's genitalia like a scratching post. It's a vet's office, not a feline fetish dungeon!"
The Hairball Horror: "Because if there's one thing worse than a hairball, it's a hairball in the wrong place—like, say, your vet's crotch. Nobody wants to deal with that mess, not even the most dedicated cat lover."
The Kitty Catastrophe: "Because while cats may be curious creatures, there are some things they're better off not exploring—like the vet's private parts. Let's leave the 'pussyfooting' to the professionals, shall we?"
The Paws and Perversion: "Because while cats may have a reputation for grooming themselves, that's where we draw the line—nobody wants a 'meow-massage' from their feline friend, especially not in the vet's office!"
The Furball Fiasco: "Because getting a tongue bath from your cat is one thing, but letting them go to town on your nether regions is a whole other ballgame—literally. Plus, who wants to explain those scratch marks to their significant other?"
The Scratching Post Scandal: "Because cats may have rough tongues, but that's no excuse for them to treat the vet's genitalia like a scratching post. It's a vet's office, not a feline fetish dungeon!"
The Hairball Horror: "Because if there's one thing worse than a hairball, it's a hairball in the wrong place—like, say, your vet's crotch. Nobody wants to deal with that mess, not even the most dedicated cat lover."
The Kitty Catastrophe: "Because while cats may be curious creatures, there are some things they're better off not exploring—like the vet's private parts. Let's leave the 'pussyfooting' to the professionals, shall we?"
12 months ago
Drinking is fun though
Or so i'm told memes are my escapism of choice
Many regrettable things can happen when you get shitfaced such as
The "Urgent Urge":
You underestimate your bladder's rebellion after too many drinks and embark on a frantic quest for a restroom, realizing too late that it's already too little, too late.
The "Projectile Protest":
Attempting a discreet vomit session, you find yourself in the wrong spot, spraying your surroundings with an unexpected technicolor yawn.
The "Toilet Tango":
Misjudging the distance, you perform a splashdown maneuver, turning your bathroom into a splashy scene from a water park.
The "Barstool Surprise":
Seeking refuge on a barstool, you discover too late it's already occupied – by your own vomit.
The "Ink Incident":
An uncontrollable laugh leads to an unexpected vomit stream, transforming your night into a messy masterpiece.
Many regrettable things can happen when you get shitfaced such as
The "Urgent Urge":
You underestimate your bladder's rebellion after too many drinks and embark on a frantic quest for a restroom, realizing too late that it's already too little, too late.
The "Projectile Protest":
Attempting a discreet vomit session, you find yourself in the wrong spot, spraying your surroundings with an unexpected technicolor yawn.
The "Toilet Tango":
Misjudging the distance, you perform a splashdown maneuver, turning your bathroom into a splashy scene from a water park.
The "Barstool Surprise":
Seeking refuge on a barstool, you discover too late it's already occupied – by your own vomit.
The "Ink Incident":
An uncontrollable laugh leads to an unexpected vomit stream, transforming your night into a messy masterpiece.
12 months ago
Super Mad Terrible Mother
Another person who's going to be put in a home at 53. But we're all about excuses here, maybe she has some good reasons? As a fellow person with an IQ as large as my shoe size I thought up of these totally valid reasons why you shouldn't share your onlyfans money with your kids:
"College Fund? More Like Fortnite Fund": Why waste your hard-earned OnlyFans money on boring stuff like college tuition when you could be investing in something truly important—like your kid's Fortnite skins collection? After all, who needs a degree when you can dominate the Battle Royale scene?
"The Tooth Fairy's Got Competition": Forget about loose change under the pillow—the real money maker in town is your OnlyFans account. Your kids will thank you for keeping the cash flow steady and the tooth fairy in business. Who knew dental hygiene could be so profitable?
"Parenting by Subscription": With your OnlyFans income, you can subscribe to the ultimate parenting plan: outsourcing all your responsibilities to the nearest daycare center. Let the professionals handle the diapers and tantrums while you focus on more important things—like perfecting your selfie game.
"The Ultimate Show-and-Tell Flex": Forget about boring show-and-tell presentations featuring stuffed animals and family photos. Your kids will be the envy of the playground when they strut their stuff with a brand-new iPhone, courtesy of your OnlyFans earnings. Who needs friends when you have the latest tech gadgets?
"The Real MVP: Mom's Versace Purse": Your kids may not appreciate it now, but one day they'll thank you for keeping up appearances with your designer handbags and luxury accessories. Who needs food on the table when you can have the latest fashion trends at your fingertips?
"College Fund? More Like Fortnite Fund": Why waste your hard-earned OnlyFans money on boring stuff like college tuition when you could be investing in something truly important—like your kid's Fortnite skins collection? After all, who needs a degree when you can dominate the Battle Royale scene?
"The Tooth Fairy's Got Competition": Forget about loose change under the pillow—the real money maker in town is your OnlyFans account. Your kids will thank you for keeping the cash flow steady and the tooth fairy in business. Who knew dental hygiene could be so profitable?
"Parenting by Subscription": With your OnlyFans income, you can subscribe to the ultimate parenting plan: outsourcing all your responsibilities to the nearest daycare center. Let the professionals handle the diapers and tantrums while you focus on more important things—like perfecting your selfie game.
"The Ultimate Show-and-Tell Flex": Forget about boring show-and-tell presentations featuring stuffed animals and family photos. Your kids will be the envy of the playground when they strut their stuff with a brand-new iPhone, courtesy of your OnlyFans earnings. Who needs friends when you have the latest tech gadgets?
"The Real MVP: Mom's Versace Purse": Your kids may not appreciate it now, but one day they'll thank you for keeping up appearances with your designer handbags and luxury accessories. Who needs food on the table when you can have the latest fashion trends at your fingertips?
12 months ago
Hank Hill would be proud
Kink of the hill! Here's some more cartoon inspired names for a Dominatrix:
"Dexter's Dungeon: A Laboratory of Domination"
"Powerpuff Punishment: Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice... and a Whip"
"Johnny Bravo's Bizarre Bondage Adventures"
"Courage the Cowardly Submissive: Scared Stiff and Loving It"
"Ed, Edd n' Eddy's Edcited Experiments: Jawbreakers and Jaws Dropping"
"Dexter's Dungeon: A Laboratory of Domination"
"Powerpuff Punishment: Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice... and a Whip"
"Johnny Bravo's Bizarre Bondage Adventures"
"Courage the Cowardly Submissive: Scared Stiff and Loving It"
"Ed, Edd n' Eddy's Edcited Experiments: Jawbreakers and Jaws Dropping"
12 months ago
Not the best date night
This must be an old meme imagine only spending 42$ to eat out unsucked dick or not.
Here are five whimsical reasons why a date might not go as planned despite spending $42 at Red Lobster:
"The Crabby Customer Catastrophe": Your date turns out to be allergic to shellfish, and the mere sight of a lobster tail sends them into a sneezing fit. Suddenly, your romantic seafood dinner feels more like an episode of "Allergy Attack at Red Lobster."
"The Lobster Love Triangle": Just as you're about to enjoy your meal, your date spots their ex across the restaurant—holding hands with a giant lobster mascot. Suddenly, your dinner plans take a crustaceous turn as you find yourself caught in a love triangle of shell-shocking proportions.
"The Biscuit Bandit Incident": You reach for the last cheddar bay biscuit, only to have your date snatch it away with lightning speed. As you watch in disbelief, they devour the biscuit in one bite, leaving you biscuit-less and bewildered. Who knew a biscuit could come between true love?
"The Seafood Sensation Showdown": Your date insists on ordering the most expensive item on the menu—a seafood platter fit for Poseidon himself. But when it arrives, they discover they have an aversion to anything that swims, sending your romantic evening into a tailspin of seafood-induced shenanigans.
"The Red Lobster Curse": Legend has it that anyone who spends exactly $42 at Red Lobster is doomed to have their date fail and their dick remain unsucked at the end of the night. As you glance at the bill and realize you've hit the cursed number on the dot, you can't help but wonder if there's some truth to the old tale.
Here are five whimsical reasons why a date might not go as planned despite spending $42 at Red Lobster:
"The Crabby Customer Catastrophe": Your date turns out to be allergic to shellfish, and the mere sight of a lobster tail sends them into a sneezing fit. Suddenly, your romantic seafood dinner feels more like an episode of "Allergy Attack at Red Lobster."
"The Lobster Love Triangle": Just as you're about to enjoy your meal, your date spots their ex across the restaurant—holding hands with a giant lobster mascot. Suddenly, your dinner plans take a crustaceous turn as you find yourself caught in a love triangle of shell-shocking proportions.
"The Biscuit Bandit Incident": You reach for the last cheddar bay biscuit, only to have your date snatch it away with lightning speed. As you watch in disbelief, they devour the biscuit in one bite, leaving you biscuit-less and bewildered. Who knew a biscuit could come between true love?
"The Seafood Sensation Showdown": Your date insists on ordering the most expensive item on the menu—a seafood platter fit for Poseidon himself. But when it arrives, they discover they have an aversion to anything that swims, sending your romantic evening into a tailspin of seafood-induced shenanigans.
"The Red Lobster Curse": Legend has it that anyone who spends exactly $42 at Red Lobster is doomed to have their date fail and their dick remain unsucked at the end of the night. As you glance at the bill and realize you've hit the cursed number on the dot, you can't help but wonder if there's some truth to the old tale.
