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9 months ago
The Central Bureaucracy from Futurama
The winner of the not my job award goes to that clerk. The DMV what a place! As a person who's never been to one I only hears legends of this magnificent fun and relaxing government run spa. Here are some :
"The Waiting Room Spa Experience": Forget about stressful waiting rooms—this DMV offers complimentary massages, cucumber eye masks, and soothing aromatherapy to ease your DMV-induced tension. Who knew renewing your driver's license could be so relaxing?
"License to Chill": Instead of enduring long lines and grumpy clerks, this DMV encourages visitors to kick back and relax in their state-of-the-art lounge area. With reclining chairs, cozy blankets, and a bottomless supply of hot cocoa, you'll be tempted to extend your stay indefinitely.
"Personalized Serenades While You Wait": Say goodbye to boring elevator music—this DMV boasts live musical performances from local talent while you wait. From soothing jazz to upbeat pop hits, you'll be tapping your toes and humming along as you renew your registration.
"DIY Car Maintenance Workshops": Tired of shelling out big bucks for routine car maintenance? This DMV offers free DIY workshops where you can learn to change your oil, rotate your tires, and perform basic repairs—all while waiting for your number to be called. It's like a grease monkey's paradise!
"Celebrity Sightings Galore": You never know who you'll run into at this DMV—celebrities, politicians, even the occasional superhero. With paparazzi lurking around every corner, you'll feel like a VIP as you renew your license alongside the rich and famous. Who needs Hollywood when you've got the DMV?
"The Waiting Room Spa Experience": Forget about stressful waiting rooms—this DMV offers complimentary massages, cucumber eye masks, and soothing aromatherapy to ease your DMV-induced tension. Who knew renewing your driver's license could be so relaxing?
"License to Chill": Instead of enduring long lines and grumpy clerks, this DMV encourages visitors to kick back and relax in their state-of-the-art lounge area. With reclining chairs, cozy blankets, and a bottomless supply of hot cocoa, you'll be tempted to extend your stay indefinitely.
"Personalized Serenades While You Wait": Say goodbye to boring elevator music—this DMV boasts live musical performances from local talent while you wait. From soothing jazz to upbeat pop hits, you'll be tapping your toes and humming along as you renew your registration.
"DIY Car Maintenance Workshops": Tired of shelling out big bucks for routine car maintenance? This DMV offers free DIY workshops where you can learn to change your oil, rotate your tires, and perform basic repairs—all while waiting for your number to be called. It's like a grease monkey's paradise!
"Celebrity Sightings Galore": You never know who you'll run into at this DMV—celebrities, politicians, even the occasional superhero. With paparazzi lurking around every corner, you'll feel like a VIP as you renew your license alongside the rich and famous. Who needs Hollywood when you've got the DMV?
6 months ago
9 months ago
Learn from their mistake
Traumatizing young children has never been easier.
Here are five humorous reasons why scary movies might be inappropriate for 12-year-olds:
"The Bedtime Boogeyman Bonanza": Watching scary movies might turn bedtime into a battle against imaginary monsters lurking in the closet and under the bed. Forget about counting sheep; they'll be counting zombies instead!
"The Nightmare Neighbor Nuisance": After watching a particularly spooky flick, every shadow, creak, and rustle in the night becomes a potential threat. Your neighbors will love the late-night visits when your kid insists on sleeping with all the lights on!
"The Haunted House Party Pooper": Hosting a sleepover with friends after watching a scary movie might seem like a fun idea, but it could quickly turn into a ghost-hunting expedition with pillow forts and blankets barricading the doors.
"The Paranormal Parental Panic": Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of parents quite like a 12-year-old who's just watched a horror movie. Every bump in the night will have them jumping out of their skin, convinced that the house is haunted or that there's a monster in the closet.
"The Terrifying Toilet Time": After watching a scary movie, even the most mundane activities can become spine-tingling experiences. Your 12-year-old might find themselves sprinting down the hallway after using the bathroom, convinced that something is lurking in the shower curtain.
Here are five humorous reasons why scary movies might be inappropriate for 12-year-olds:
"The Bedtime Boogeyman Bonanza": Watching scary movies might turn bedtime into a battle against imaginary monsters lurking in the closet and under the bed. Forget about counting sheep; they'll be counting zombies instead!
"The Nightmare Neighbor Nuisance": After watching a particularly spooky flick, every shadow, creak, and rustle in the night becomes a potential threat. Your neighbors will love the late-night visits when your kid insists on sleeping with all the lights on!
"The Haunted House Party Pooper": Hosting a sleepover with friends after watching a scary movie might seem like a fun idea, but it could quickly turn into a ghost-hunting expedition with pillow forts and blankets barricading the doors.
"The Paranormal Parental Panic": Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of parents quite like a 12-year-old who's just watched a horror movie. Every bump in the night will have them jumping out of their skin, convinced that the house is haunted or that there's a monster in the closet.
"The Terrifying Toilet Time": After watching a scary movie, even the most mundane activities can become spine-tingling experiences. Your 12-year-old might find themselves sprinting down the hallway after using the bathroom, convinced that something is lurking in the shower curtain.
9 months ago
Slavs inventing what shouldn't be invented
Life is only potato and drink is only for sad! You didn't have a stroke I'm just trying to sound slav-like. Here's 5 reasons why being drunk requires 0 enjoyment:
The Hangover Hilarity: "Because getting drunk without enjoying it is like signing up for a voluntary hangover—sure, you'll wake up feeling like you got hit by a truck, but think of all the hilarious stories you'll have to tell about that time you blacked out and woke up in a stranger's bathtub wearing a sombrero!"
The Liquid Laughter: "Because getting drunk without enjoying it is like attending a comedy show where the jokes are all inside your own head—sure, you might not remember them in the morning, but rest assured, your liver will be rolling on the floor laughing."
The Sobriety Surrender: "Because getting drunk without enjoying it is like watching paint dry, except instead of paint, it's your liver slowly shutting down from alcohol poisoning. Who needs excitement when you can spend your evening staring at the wall and contemplating the meaning of life?"
The Booze Boomerang: "Because getting drunk without enjoying it is like trying to catch a greased pig at a county fair—you might think you've got a grip on things, but before you know it, you're sliding face-first into a puddle of regret and shame."
The Bitter Brew: "Because getting drunk without enjoying it is like trying to force-feed yourself a gallon of expired milk—it might seem like a good idea at the time, but trust me, the end result is not pretty. Sometimes it's better to just say no to that extra shot of regret."
The Hangover Hilarity: "Because getting drunk without enjoying it is like signing up for a voluntary hangover—sure, you'll wake up feeling like you got hit by a truck, but think of all the hilarious stories you'll have to tell about that time you blacked out and woke up in a stranger's bathtub wearing a sombrero!"
The Liquid Laughter: "Because getting drunk without enjoying it is like attending a comedy show where the jokes are all inside your own head—sure, you might not remember them in the morning, but rest assured, your liver will be rolling on the floor laughing."
The Sobriety Surrender: "Because getting drunk without enjoying it is like watching paint dry, except instead of paint, it's your liver slowly shutting down from alcohol poisoning. Who needs excitement when you can spend your evening staring at the wall and contemplating the meaning of life?"
The Booze Boomerang: "Because getting drunk without enjoying it is like trying to catch a greased pig at a county fair—you might think you've got a grip on things, but before you know it, you're sliding face-first into a puddle of regret and shame."
The Bitter Brew: "Because getting drunk without enjoying it is like trying to force-feed yourself a gallon of expired milk—it might seem like a good idea at the time, but trust me, the end result is not pretty. Sometimes it's better to just say no to that extra shot of regret."
9 months ago
Super Mad Terrible Mother
Another person who's going to be put in a home at 53. But we're all about excuses here, maybe she has some good reasons? As a fellow person with an IQ as large as my shoe size I thought up of these totally valid reasons why you shouldn't share your onlyfans money with your kids:
"College Fund? More Like Fortnite Fund": Why waste your hard-earned OnlyFans money on boring stuff like college tuition when you could be investing in something truly important—like your kid's Fortnite skins collection? After all, who needs a degree when you can dominate the Battle Royale scene?
"The Tooth Fairy's Got Competition": Forget about loose change under the pillow—the real money maker in town is your OnlyFans account. Your kids will thank you for keeping the cash flow steady and the tooth fairy in business. Who knew dental hygiene could be so profitable?
"Parenting by Subscription": With your OnlyFans income, you can subscribe to the ultimate parenting plan: outsourcing all your responsibilities to the nearest daycare center. Let the professionals handle the diapers and tantrums while you focus on more important things—like perfecting your selfie game.
"The Ultimate Show-and-Tell Flex": Forget about boring show-and-tell presentations featuring stuffed animals and family photos. Your kids will be the envy of the playground when they strut their stuff with a brand-new iPhone, courtesy of your OnlyFans earnings. Who needs friends when you have the latest tech gadgets?
"The Real MVP: Mom's Versace Purse": Your kids may not appreciate it now, but one day they'll thank you for keeping up appearances with your designer handbags and luxury accessories. Who needs food on the table when you can have the latest fashion trends at your fingertips?
"College Fund? More Like Fortnite Fund": Why waste your hard-earned OnlyFans money on boring stuff like college tuition when you could be investing in something truly important—like your kid's Fortnite skins collection? After all, who needs a degree when you can dominate the Battle Royale scene?
"The Tooth Fairy's Got Competition": Forget about loose change under the pillow—the real money maker in town is your OnlyFans account. Your kids will thank you for keeping the cash flow steady and the tooth fairy in business. Who knew dental hygiene could be so profitable?
"Parenting by Subscription": With your OnlyFans income, you can subscribe to the ultimate parenting plan: outsourcing all your responsibilities to the nearest daycare center. Let the professionals handle the diapers and tantrums while you focus on more important things—like perfecting your selfie game.
"The Ultimate Show-and-Tell Flex": Forget about boring show-and-tell presentations featuring stuffed animals and family photos. Your kids will be the envy of the playground when they strut their stuff with a brand-new iPhone, courtesy of your OnlyFans earnings. Who needs friends when you have the latest tech gadgets?
"The Real MVP: Mom's Versace Purse": Your kids may not appreciate it now, but one day they'll thank you for keeping up appearances with your designer handbags and luxury accessories. Who needs food on the table when you can have the latest fashion trends at your fingertips?
9 months ago
Please don't
Regardless of location , please don't
In case you still want to have 5 reasons why this might not be the best idea
Tiny Portions: Gerbils are notorious for their small size, so if you're looking for a hearty meal, you might end up with just a nibble!
Exercise Routine: Gerbils are known for their energetic nature, so eating them might give you a sudden burst of energy – but good luck trying to sit still afterward!
Furball Fiasco: Gerbils have a lot of fur, which could lead to an unexpected and unpleasant hairball situation. Not exactly appetizing!
Cheeky Business: Have you ever tried to eat something with cheeks stuffed full of food? Gerbils have! And let's just say it's not the most graceful dining experience.
Rodent Reviews: If you think Yelp reviews for restaurants can be brutal, just wait until the gerbil community hears about your dining choices. You'll be the talk of the (hamster) wheel for all the wrong reasons!
In case you still want to have 5 reasons why this might not be the best idea
Tiny Portions: Gerbils are notorious for their small size, so if you're looking for a hearty meal, you might end up with just a nibble!
Exercise Routine: Gerbils are known for their energetic nature, so eating them might give you a sudden burst of energy – but good luck trying to sit still afterward!
Furball Fiasco: Gerbils have a lot of fur, which could lead to an unexpected and unpleasant hairball situation. Not exactly appetizing!
Cheeky Business: Have you ever tried to eat something with cheeks stuffed full of food? Gerbils have! And let's just say it's not the most graceful dining experience.
Rodent Reviews: If you think Yelp reviews for restaurants can be brutal, just wait until the gerbil community hears about your dining choices. You'll be the talk of the (hamster) wheel for all the wrong reasons!
9 months ago
Child labour!
Someone will grow up resenting his mom if that's their relation!
Maybe these reasons will convince you not to use your kid as a sexy photo shoot free labor photographer:
"The 'Sexy' Family Portrait Saga": Brace yourself for the most awkward family portrait session of all time. Forget matching sweaters—your family photo album will be filled with poses that would make even the Kardashians blush.
"Nursing Home Threats: A Comedy of Errors": Your child's revenge plot just got an upgrade from petty to hilarious. Get ready for retirement community shenanigans like never before—think bingo night sabotage and wheelchair races down the hallways.
"Blackmail, the Family Edition": Move over, FBI—you've just handed your child the ultimate leverage. From extra dessert negotiations to curfew extensions, they'll have Mom and Dad wrapped around their little finger faster than you can say "embarrassing childhood photos."
"Therapy, Family Style": Get ready to spill the beans to the family therapist about your failed attempt at a "sexy" photoshoot. Forget about addressing sibling rivalries and communication breakdowns—your therapy sessions just got a whole lot weirder.
"Parenting Fail: Rated R": Congratulations, you've officially earned the title of "World's Most Cringe-Worthy Parent." Move over, dad jokes—forcing your kid to be your makeshift photographer just secured your spot in the Parenting Hall of Shame for eternity.
Maybe these reasons will convince you not to use your kid as a sexy photo shoot free labor photographer:
"The 'Sexy' Family Portrait Saga": Brace yourself for the most awkward family portrait session of all time. Forget matching sweaters—your family photo album will be filled with poses that would make even the Kardashians blush.
"Nursing Home Threats: A Comedy of Errors": Your child's revenge plot just got an upgrade from petty to hilarious. Get ready for retirement community shenanigans like never before—think bingo night sabotage and wheelchair races down the hallways.
"Blackmail, the Family Edition": Move over, FBI—you've just handed your child the ultimate leverage. From extra dessert negotiations to curfew extensions, they'll have Mom and Dad wrapped around their little finger faster than you can say "embarrassing childhood photos."
"Therapy, Family Style": Get ready to spill the beans to the family therapist about your failed attempt at a "sexy" photoshoot. Forget about addressing sibling rivalries and communication breakdowns—your therapy sessions just got a whole lot weirder.
"Parenting Fail: Rated R": Congratulations, you've officially earned the title of "World's Most Cringe-Worthy Parent." Move over, dad jokes—forcing your kid to be your makeshift photographer just secured your spot in the Parenting Hall of Shame for eternity.
