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11 months ago
Line cooks are savage
They had to change it because of too many applicants
Here are some humorous reasons why line cooks shouldn't turn to cooking people:
"Menu Mishaps": Human cuisine might be a tad too niche for most diners' tastes. Imagine trying to explain to a customer that tonight's special is "Roasted Karen with a side of Steve Sauté"—not exactly appetizing!
"Health Code Hurdles": Let's face it, human meat isn't exactly FDA-approved. If health inspectors caught wind of your new culinary experiments, you'd be looking at more than just a slap on the wrist—it's straight to chef jail for you!
"Customer Complaints": Ever tried sending back a plate of human flesh because it was too rare? Yeah, good luck with that. Customer satisfaction is key in the restaurant industry, and I don't think "tender with a hint of cannibalism" is what they had in mind.
"Ethical Quandaries": While it might be tempting to add a little variety to your menu, there's something inherently unsettling about turning your fellow humans into a dish. Plus, I hear the vegetarian crowd is particularly vocal about their dietary preferences.
"Legal Limbo": Last time I checked, cannibalism was still illegal in most places. You might have a knack for seasoning and sautéing, but I don't think the courtroom is where you want to showcase your culinary talents. Stick to cooking up creative dishes that won't land you in hot water—pun intended!
Here are some humorous reasons why line cooks shouldn't turn to cooking people:
"Menu Mishaps": Human cuisine might be a tad too niche for most diners' tastes. Imagine trying to explain to a customer that tonight's special is "Roasted Karen with a side of Steve Sauté"—not exactly appetizing!
"Health Code Hurdles": Let's face it, human meat isn't exactly FDA-approved. If health inspectors caught wind of your new culinary experiments, you'd be looking at more than just a slap on the wrist—it's straight to chef jail for you!
"Customer Complaints": Ever tried sending back a plate of human flesh because it was too rare? Yeah, good luck with that. Customer satisfaction is key in the restaurant industry, and I don't think "tender with a hint of cannibalism" is what they had in mind.
"Ethical Quandaries": While it might be tempting to add a little variety to your menu, there's something inherently unsettling about turning your fellow humans into a dish. Plus, I hear the vegetarian crowd is particularly vocal about their dietary preferences.
"Legal Limbo": Last time I checked, cannibalism was still illegal in most places. You might have a knack for seasoning and sautéing, but I don't think the courtroom is where you want to showcase your culinary talents. Stick to cooking up creative dishes that won't land you in hot water—pun intended!
8 months ago
8 months ago
11 months ago
Trim the branches guys
Or the Home Owners Association will fine you 500$ and you'll still have to trim them yourselves. If Karen the president is feeling especially malicious there are some medieval punishments from the HOA charter from 1500 she could enforce:
"The Leafy Lasso": The HOA enforces a new policy where they tie oversized branches to your ankles, effectively turning you into a human tree. You'll be forced to prance around your yard like a leafy cowboy until you learn your lesson and trim those branches.
"The Tree Tickle Torture": In a cruel twist of fate, the HOA recruits a team of mischievous squirrels armed with tickle feathers. These furry fiends are set loose in your yard, tasked with tickling you mercilessly until you agree to trim your trees. It's a punishment that's equal parts hilarious and horrifying.
"The Branch Bash Bonanza": Your neighbors organize a festive event where they gather to pummel you with inflatable tree branches until you're covered in bruises and regret. It's like a twisted version of piñata, except instead of candy, you're showered with splinters and shame.
"The Arboreal Avenger": The HOA unveils their latest creation—a robotic tree trimmer named "Arboreal Avenger." This lumbering behemoth roams the neighborhood, seeking out untrimmed trees and exacting its revenge with ruthless efficiency. Resistance is futile—just ask the neighbor who tried to hide behind their bushes.
"The Foliage Fashion Fiasco": As punishment for your leafy transgressions, the HOA decrees that you must wear a suit made entirely of tree branches and leaves for a month. It's like living out your worst nightmare as a walking shrubbery, complete with squirrels mistaking you for their new home.
"The Leafy Lasso": The HOA enforces a new policy where they tie oversized branches to your ankles, effectively turning you into a human tree. You'll be forced to prance around your yard like a leafy cowboy until you learn your lesson and trim those branches.
"The Tree Tickle Torture": In a cruel twist of fate, the HOA recruits a team of mischievous squirrels armed with tickle feathers. These furry fiends are set loose in your yard, tasked with tickling you mercilessly until you agree to trim your trees. It's a punishment that's equal parts hilarious and horrifying.
"The Branch Bash Bonanza": Your neighbors organize a festive event where they gather to pummel you with inflatable tree branches until you're covered in bruises and regret. It's like a twisted version of piñata, except instead of candy, you're showered with splinters and shame.
"The Arboreal Avenger": The HOA unveils their latest creation—a robotic tree trimmer named "Arboreal Avenger." This lumbering behemoth roams the neighborhood, seeking out untrimmed trees and exacting its revenge with ruthless efficiency. Resistance is futile—just ask the neighbor who tried to hide behind their bushes.
"The Foliage Fashion Fiasco": As punishment for your leafy transgressions, the HOA decrees that you must wear a suit made entirely of tree branches and leaves for a month. It's like living out your worst nightmare as a walking shrubbery, complete with squirrels mistaking you for their new home.
11 months ago
11 months ago
Not the best date night
This must be an old meme imagine only spending 42$ to eat out unsucked dick or not.
Here are five whimsical reasons why a date might not go as planned despite spending $42 at Red Lobster:
"The Crabby Customer Catastrophe": Your date turns out to be allergic to shellfish, and the mere sight of a lobster tail sends them into a sneezing fit. Suddenly, your romantic seafood dinner feels more like an episode of "Allergy Attack at Red Lobster."
"The Lobster Love Triangle": Just as you're about to enjoy your meal, your date spots their ex across the restaurant—holding hands with a giant lobster mascot. Suddenly, your dinner plans take a crustaceous turn as you find yourself caught in a love triangle of shell-shocking proportions.
"The Biscuit Bandit Incident": You reach for the last cheddar bay biscuit, only to have your date snatch it away with lightning speed. As you watch in disbelief, they devour the biscuit in one bite, leaving you biscuit-less and bewildered. Who knew a biscuit could come between true love?
"The Seafood Sensation Showdown": Your date insists on ordering the most expensive item on the menu—a seafood platter fit for Poseidon himself. But when it arrives, they discover they have an aversion to anything that swims, sending your romantic evening into a tailspin of seafood-induced shenanigans.
"The Red Lobster Curse": Legend has it that anyone who spends exactly $42 at Red Lobster is doomed to have their date fail and their dick remain unsucked at the end of the night. As you glance at the bill and realize you've hit the cursed number on the dot, you can't help but wonder if there's some truth to the old tale.
Here are five whimsical reasons why a date might not go as planned despite spending $42 at Red Lobster:
"The Crabby Customer Catastrophe": Your date turns out to be allergic to shellfish, and the mere sight of a lobster tail sends them into a sneezing fit. Suddenly, your romantic seafood dinner feels more like an episode of "Allergy Attack at Red Lobster."
"The Lobster Love Triangle": Just as you're about to enjoy your meal, your date spots their ex across the restaurant—holding hands with a giant lobster mascot. Suddenly, your dinner plans take a crustaceous turn as you find yourself caught in a love triangle of shell-shocking proportions.
"The Biscuit Bandit Incident": You reach for the last cheddar bay biscuit, only to have your date snatch it away with lightning speed. As you watch in disbelief, they devour the biscuit in one bite, leaving you biscuit-less and bewildered. Who knew a biscuit could come between true love?
"The Seafood Sensation Showdown": Your date insists on ordering the most expensive item on the menu—a seafood platter fit for Poseidon himself. But when it arrives, they discover they have an aversion to anything that swims, sending your romantic evening into a tailspin of seafood-induced shenanigans.
"The Red Lobster Curse": Legend has it that anyone who spends exactly $42 at Red Lobster is doomed to have their date fail and their dick remain unsucked at the end of the night. As you glance at the bill and realize you've hit the cursed number on the dot, you can't help but wonder if there's some truth to the old tale.
11 months ago
Amazing solution for your stained shirt
Can't wait to spill some wine or coffee on my furry belly.
Let's get creative with some humorous DIY tricks to salvage a stained shirt, even if they might not be the most practical:
"The Dazzling Duct Tape Design": Cover up those unsightly stains with a chic mosaic of colorful duct tape patches. Not only will it hide the stains, but you'll also be the trendsetter of the century. Who needs fabric dye when you've got a rainbow of tape at your disposal?
"The Splatter Paint Splendor": Turn your stained shirt into a wearable work of art by splattering it with vibrant paint in a Jackson Pollock-inspired masterpiece. Sure, it may not match anything in your wardrobe, but who can resist the allure of abstract expressionism?
"The Glitter Glamour Gambit": Transform your stained shirt into a shimmering spectacle by liberally applying glitter glue to the affected areas. Not only will it distract from the stains, but you'll also be ready for any impromptu dance parties that come your way.
"The Patchwork Paradox": Embrace the patchwork trend by sewing on an eclectic assortment of fabric scraps, buttons, and sequins to cover up those pesky stains. Sure, it might look like a quilt exploded on your shirt, but who doesn't love a good DIY fashion statement?
"The Pasta Picasso Prestige": Create a one-of-a-kind textile masterpiece by carefully arranging and gluing dried pasta shapes onto your stained shirt. Not only will it add texture and dimension, but you'll also have a handy snack on hand for those mid-day cravings.
Let's get creative with some humorous DIY tricks to salvage a stained shirt, even if they might not be the most practical:
"The Dazzling Duct Tape Design": Cover up those unsightly stains with a chic mosaic of colorful duct tape patches. Not only will it hide the stains, but you'll also be the trendsetter of the century. Who needs fabric dye when you've got a rainbow of tape at your disposal?
"The Splatter Paint Splendor": Turn your stained shirt into a wearable work of art by splattering it with vibrant paint in a Jackson Pollock-inspired masterpiece. Sure, it may not match anything in your wardrobe, but who can resist the allure of abstract expressionism?
"The Glitter Glamour Gambit": Transform your stained shirt into a shimmering spectacle by liberally applying glitter glue to the affected areas. Not only will it distract from the stains, but you'll also be ready for any impromptu dance parties that come your way.
"The Patchwork Paradox": Embrace the patchwork trend by sewing on an eclectic assortment of fabric scraps, buttons, and sequins to cover up those pesky stains. Sure, it might look like a quilt exploded on your shirt, but who doesn't love a good DIY fashion statement?
"The Pasta Picasso Prestige": Create a one-of-a-kind textile masterpiece by carefully arranging and gluing dried pasta shapes onto your stained shirt. Not only will it add texture and dimension, but you'll also have a handy snack on hand for those mid-day cravings.
