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1 year ago
Line cooks are savage
They had to change it because of too many applicants
Here are some humorous reasons why line cooks shouldn't turn to cooking people:
"Menu Mishaps": Human cuisine might be a tad too niche for most diners' tastes. Imagine trying to explain to a customer that tonight's special is "Roasted Karen with a side of Steve Sauté"—not exactly appetizing!
"Health Code Hurdles": Let's face it, human meat isn't exactly FDA-approved. If health inspectors caught wind of your new culinary experiments, you'd be looking at more than just a slap on the wrist—it's straight to chef jail for you!
"Customer Complaints": Ever tried sending back a plate of human flesh because it was too rare? Yeah, good luck with that. Customer satisfaction is key in the restaurant industry, and I don't think "tender with a hint of cannibalism" is what they had in mind.
"Ethical Quandaries": While it might be tempting to add a little variety to your menu, there's something inherently unsettling about turning your fellow humans into a dish. Plus, I hear the vegetarian crowd is particularly vocal about their dietary preferences.
"Legal Limbo": Last time I checked, cannibalism was still illegal in most places. You might have a knack for seasoning and sautéing, but I don't think the courtroom is where you want to showcase your culinary talents. Stick to cooking up creative dishes that won't land you in hot water—pun intended!
Here are some humorous reasons why line cooks shouldn't turn to cooking people:
"Menu Mishaps": Human cuisine might be a tad too niche for most diners' tastes. Imagine trying to explain to a customer that tonight's special is "Roasted Karen with a side of Steve Sauté"—not exactly appetizing!
"Health Code Hurdles": Let's face it, human meat isn't exactly FDA-approved. If health inspectors caught wind of your new culinary experiments, you'd be looking at more than just a slap on the wrist—it's straight to chef jail for you!
"Customer Complaints": Ever tried sending back a plate of human flesh because it was too rare? Yeah, good luck with that. Customer satisfaction is key in the restaurant industry, and I don't think "tender with a hint of cannibalism" is what they had in mind.
"Ethical Quandaries": While it might be tempting to add a little variety to your menu, there's something inherently unsettling about turning your fellow humans into a dish. Plus, I hear the vegetarian crowd is particularly vocal about their dietary preferences.
"Legal Limbo": Last time I checked, cannibalism was still illegal in most places. You might have a knack for seasoning and sautéing, but I don't think the courtroom is where you want to showcase your culinary talents. Stick to cooking up creative dishes that won't land you in hot water—pun intended!
1 year ago
The anthropocene diet
The Bass Pro Shop is a mighty building. After receiving a hefty bribe from industry leaders we have produced a list of 5 reasons microplastics and heavy metals are a must in every meal for today's health conscious consumer:
"The Heavy Metal Munchies:" Lead and microplastics are like the seasoning you never knew you needed—sure, they might not add any flavor, but they'll definitely give your digestive system a workout. Who needs fiber when you can have heavy metals?
"The Plastic Palate Cleanser:" Microplastics are the ultimate palate cleanser, sweeping away the remnants of your last meal and leaving your taste buds refreshed and rejuvenated. It's like hitting the reset button on your digestive system—minus the unpleasant side effects.
"The Lead Laxative:" Lead is nature's way of keeping things moving in the digestive department. Forget about prunes and fiber supplements—just a spoonful of lead a day will have you feeling lighter than air in no time. Just don't forget to wash it down with plenty of water.
"The Plastic Protein Punch:" Microplastics are packed with all the essential nutrients your body craves—assuming you're craving a healthy dose of industrial waste and chemical pollutants. It's like a protein shake from the future, where the only ingredient is regret.
"The Toxic Tonic:" Lead and microplastics are the ultimate detoxifying agents, flushing out toxins and impurities with every bite. Who needs green juice and kale smoothies when you can have a piping hot bowl of heavy metals and plastic particles? It's the cleanse you never knew you needed—and probably shouldn't have.
"The Heavy Metal Munchies:" Lead and microplastics are like the seasoning you never knew you needed—sure, they might not add any flavor, but they'll definitely give your digestive system a workout. Who needs fiber when you can have heavy metals?
"The Plastic Palate Cleanser:" Microplastics are the ultimate palate cleanser, sweeping away the remnants of your last meal and leaving your taste buds refreshed and rejuvenated. It's like hitting the reset button on your digestive system—minus the unpleasant side effects.
"The Lead Laxative:" Lead is nature's way of keeping things moving in the digestive department. Forget about prunes and fiber supplements—just a spoonful of lead a day will have you feeling lighter than air in no time. Just don't forget to wash it down with plenty of water.
"The Plastic Protein Punch:" Microplastics are packed with all the essential nutrients your body craves—assuming you're craving a healthy dose of industrial waste and chemical pollutants. It's like a protein shake from the future, where the only ingredient is regret.
"The Toxic Tonic:" Lead and microplastics are the ultimate detoxifying agents, flushing out toxins and impurities with every bite. Who needs green juice and kale smoothies when you can have a piping hot bowl of heavy metals and plastic particles? It's the cleanse you never knew you needed—and probably shouldn't have.
1 year ago
1 year ago
Asshole or hero?
Kids are annoying sometimes so you know...
Here are some more teacher revenge scenarios
The "Homework Havoc" Hoax:
Assign the student a "special" extra credit assignment that involves writing a 10-page essay on the history of paperclips – due by the end of the day. Then reveal it was all a prank and give them a sticker instead.
The "Pop Quiz Prank" Plot:
Surprise the class with a pop quiz on the most obscure subject imaginable – like the mating habits of garden gnomes or the physics of unicorn flight. Watch as the student's panic turns to relief when they realize it's just a joke quiz with silly questions and no consequences.
The "Desk Swap" Shenanigans:
Swap the student's desk with the teacher's desk for a day, complete with a nameplate that reads "Teacher-in-Training." Watch as they struggle to manage the responsibilities of teaching while you sit back and enjoy the show.
The "Rule Reversal" Ruse:
Let the student be the teacher for a day, with full authority to enforce classroom rules and assign homework. Sit back and relax as they try to maintain order in the classroom – it's a lesson in empathy they won't soon forget.
The "Mystery Mischief" Maneuver:
Leave mysterious clues around the classroom leading to a "secret treasure" hidden somewhere in the school – like the janitor's closet or the cafeteria freezer. Watch as the student embarks on a wild goose chase, only to discover a box of stale cookies or a rubber chicken as their reward.
Here are some more teacher revenge scenarios
The "Homework Havoc" Hoax:
Assign the student a "special" extra credit assignment that involves writing a 10-page essay on the history of paperclips – due by the end of the day. Then reveal it was all a prank and give them a sticker instead.
The "Pop Quiz Prank" Plot:
Surprise the class with a pop quiz on the most obscure subject imaginable – like the mating habits of garden gnomes or the physics of unicorn flight. Watch as the student's panic turns to relief when they realize it's just a joke quiz with silly questions and no consequences.
The "Desk Swap" Shenanigans:
Swap the student's desk with the teacher's desk for a day, complete with a nameplate that reads "Teacher-in-Training." Watch as they struggle to manage the responsibilities of teaching while you sit back and enjoy the show.
The "Rule Reversal" Ruse:
Let the student be the teacher for a day, with full authority to enforce classroom rules and assign homework. Sit back and relax as they try to maintain order in the classroom – it's a lesson in empathy they won't soon forget.
The "Mystery Mischief" Maneuver:
Leave mysterious clues around the classroom leading to a "secret treasure" hidden somewhere in the school – like the janitor's closet or the cafeteria freezer. Watch as the student embarks on a wild goose chase, only to discover a box of stale cookies or a rubber chicken as their reward.
1 year ago
1 year ago
Quite the wholesome lie
Or you know lie by omission
Here are some more wholesome lies by omission that you can tell your kids you facebook loving grandmas
The "Invisible Veggie" Ruse:
Parent: "Of course, there are no vegetables in your mac and cheese. It's pure cheesy goodness!"
omitting the fact that there's a secret stash of finely chopped veggies hidden in the sauce
The "Magical Money Tree" Mirage:
Parent: "Money doesn't grow on trees, but I have a secret trick to get more!"
omitting the fact that the "trick" involves going to work and earning a paycheck
The "Bedtime Story" Bluff:
Parent: "There are definitely no monsters under your bed. You're safe and sound!"
omitting the fact that monsters might live in the closet instead
The "Supermarket Swap" Scheme:
Parent: "I bought exactly what you wanted from the store."
omitting the fact that they bought a generic version or a different flavor because it was on sale
The "Pet Purchase" Pretense:
Parent: "We'll talk about getting a pet soon, I promise."
omitting the fact that the "pet" they're referring to is a houseplant or a pet rock
Here are some more wholesome lies by omission that you can tell your kids you facebook loving grandmas
The "Invisible Veggie" Ruse:
Parent: "Of course, there are no vegetables in your mac and cheese. It's pure cheesy goodness!"
omitting the fact that there's a secret stash of finely chopped veggies hidden in the sauce
The "Magical Money Tree" Mirage:
Parent: "Money doesn't grow on trees, but I have a secret trick to get more!"
omitting the fact that the "trick" involves going to work and earning a paycheck
The "Bedtime Story" Bluff:
Parent: "There are definitely no monsters under your bed. You're safe and sound!"
omitting the fact that monsters might live in the closet instead
The "Supermarket Swap" Scheme:
Parent: "I bought exactly what you wanted from the store."
omitting the fact that they bought a generic version or a different flavor because it was on sale
The "Pet Purchase" Pretense:
Parent: "We'll talk about getting a pet soon, I promise."
omitting the fact that the "pet" they're referring to is a houseplant or a pet rock
1 year ago
True and wholesome
Sometimes they're needed straight when you wake up and that should be normalized.But hey that's for more advanced users. Meanwhile we want to create the legal precedent that the first two drinks shouldn't count if you have anxiety!
Here are some reasons:
"The Anxiety Annihilation Aperitif": The first two drinks are like anxiety's worst nightmare—liquid kryptonite that sends your worries packing faster than you can say "shots, anyone?"
"The Boozy Blame Game": If anyone asks, the first two drinks were clearly the work of mischievous imps who snuck into the bar and spiked your soda. You're innocent, they're guilty, case closed!
"The Tipsy Time Travel Trick": With the first two drinks, time warps into a surreal dimension where awkward conversations and social gaffes are just hilarious anecdotes waiting to happen. Who knew alcohol was a time machine in disguise?
"The Liquid Laughing Gas": The first two drinks unlock the secret to eternal laughter, turning even the most mundane conversations into sidesplitting comedy routines. You'll be giggling like a tipsy toddler in no time!
"The Anxiety Antidote Ambush": Anxiety never saw it coming—the one-two punch of alcohol's liquid courage and contagious camaraderie. With the first two drinks, you're like a stealthy ninja, sneaking up on stress and giving it a swift kick in the keister.
Here are some reasons:
"The Anxiety Annihilation Aperitif": The first two drinks are like anxiety's worst nightmare—liquid kryptonite that sends your worries packing faster than you can say "shots, anyone?"
"The Boozy Blame Game": If anyone asks, the first two drinks were clearly the work of mischievous imps who snuck into the bar and spiked your soda. You're innocent, they're guilty, case closed!
"The Tipsy Time Travel Trick": With the first two drinks, time warps into a surreal dimension where awkward conversations and social gaffes are just hilarious anecdotes waiting to happen. Who knew alcohol was a time machine in disguise?
"The Liquid Laughing Gas": The first two drinks unlock the secret to eternal laughter, turning even the most mundane conversations into sidesplitting comedy routines. You'll be giggling like a tipsy toddler in no time!
"The Anxiety Antidote Ambush": Anxiety never saw it coming—the one-two punch of alcohol's liquid courage and contagious camaraderie. With the first two drinks, you're like a stealthy ninja, sneaking up on stress and giving it a swift kick in the keister.
