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1 year ago
A CATastrophy
Cleaning the floor with the gun? YES why not? WHY NOT?? this is why:
"You accidentally shoot the TV remote while trying to use the gun's nozzle as a makeshift vacuum cleaner attachment. Now you've got a 'shoot to change channels' situation on your hands."
"Thinking the gun's barrel is a perfect fit, you accidentally use it to stir your coffee, only to discover that bullet casings don't exactly enhance the flavor profile."
"In a moment of absentmindedness, you mistake the gun's trigger for a spray bottle nozzle and end up redecorating the living room with an unintended burst of air freshener."
"While attempting to use the gun's scope for a closer look at the dust on the ceiling fan blades, you inadvertently create a new constellation pattern in the plaster."
"Attempting to use the gun's cleaning rod as a makeshift selfie stick, you accidentally trigger the self-timer function and capture the world's most dramatic 'accidental selfie' moment."
"You accidentally shoot the TV remote while trying to use the gun's nozzle as a makeshift vacuum cleaner attachment. Now you've got a 'shoot to change channels' situation on your hands."
"Thinking the gun's barrel is a perfect fit, you accidentally use it to stir your coffee, only to discover that bullet casings don't exactly enhance the flavor profile."
"In a moment of absentmindedness, you mistake the gun's trigger for a spray bottle nozzle and end up redecorating the living room with an unintended burst of air freshener."
"While attempting to use the gun's scope for a closer look at the dust on the ceiling fan blades, you inadvertently create a new constellation pattern in the plaster."
"Attempting to use the gun's cleaning rod as a makeshift selfie stick, you accidentally trigger the self-timer function and capture the world's most dramatic 'accidental selfie' moment."
1 year ago
Nature is healing
Onlyfans awaits them with open arms. Realtors suck and overcharge us in an already horrible housing market. They should get other jobs and here is why:
"The Houseplant Hypocrisy": Realtors should find other jobs because they spend more time watering houseplants at open houses than actually closing deals. Who needs a realtor when you can have a part-time botanist?
"The Door-to-Door Drama Queen": Realtors should find other jobs because they're tired of getting chased off porches by angry homeowners mistaking them for aggressive salespeople. Who needs door-to-door sales when you can have door-to-door hide-and-seek?
"The Open House Opera Singer": Realtors should find other jobs because their rendition of "Home, Sweet Home" at every open house is driving away potential buyers faster than you can say "foreclosure." Who needs real estate when you can have real estate karaoke?
"The Property Porn Ploy": Realtors should find other jobs because they spend more time scrolling through listings on Zillow than actually showing houses. Who needs a realtor when you can have a professional property stalker?
"The Keyless Conundrum": Realtors should find other jobs because they're tired of misplacing the keys to every house they're supposed to show. Who needs keys when you can have a universal "open sesame" spell?
"The Houseplant Hypocrisy": Realtors should find other jobs because they spend more time watering houseplants at open houses than actually closing deals. Who needs a realtor when you can have a part-time botanist?
"The Door-to-Door Drama Queen": Realtors should find other jobs because they're tired of getting chased off porches by angry homeowners mistaking them for aggressive salespeople. Who needs door-to-door sales when you can have door-to-door hide-and-seek?
"The Open House Opera Singer": Realtors should find other jobs because their rendition of "Home, Sweet Home" at every open house is driving away potential buyers faster than you can say "foreclosure." Who needs real estate when you can have real estate karaoke?
"The Property Porn Ploy": Realtors should find other jobs because they spend more time scrolling through listings on Zillow than actually showing houses. Who needs a realtor when you can have a professional property stalker?
"The Keyless Conundrum": Realtors should find other jobs because they're tired of misplacing the keys to every house they're supposed to show. Who needs keys when you can have a universal "open sesame" spell?
1 year ago
Best insult i've heard
It's free real estate. Here's more dick related high school insults:
The Pencil Peen Putdown: "Hey, nice 'No. 2' pencil you got there. Shame it's more like a 'No. 0.2' when it comes to actual size!"
The Microscope Mishap: "I heard they had to use a microscope to find yours during sex ed. Talk about a biology fail!"
The Erect Eraser: "Your dick's so small, it's like trying to erase a mistake with a broken pencil—totally pointless!"
The Ruler Ruckus: "I bet even a ruler laughs at your dick's measurements. It's more like a millimeter Peter than a ruler of any kind!"
The Fountain Pen Flop: "Your dick's like a fountain pen—always leaking and never quite getting the job done. Maybe stick to pencils from now on, champ!"
The Pencil Peen Putdown: "Hey, nice 'No. 2' pencil you got there. Shame it's more like a 'No. 0.2' when it comes to actual size!"
The Microscope Mishap: "I heard they had to use a microscope to find yours during sex ed. Talk about a biology fail!"
The Erect Eraser: "Your dick's so small, it's like trying to erase a mistake with a broken pencil—totally pointless!"
The Ruler Ruckus: "I bet even a ruler laughs at your dick's measurements. It's more like a millimeter Peter than a ruler of any kind!"
The Fountain Pen Flop: "Your dick's like a fountain pen—always leaking and never quite getting the job done. Maybe stick to pencils from now on, champ!"
1 year ago
Cook it more red means it's raw
If you add pressure it might turn to diamond.
Here is why this fish needs to be cooked more in my humble British (we're really good with food trust me on this) opinion:
"The Burnt-to-a-Crisp Banquet Bonanza": Cook that burnt fish even more until it's practically fossilized. Who needs food that's merely well-done when you can have a meal that's been thoroughly overcooked, underappreciated, and ready to be excavated by archaeologists in the future?
"The Charred Delicacy Extravaganza": Embrace the carbonized crunch of your burnt fish and turn it into a gourmet masterpiece that defies culinary norms. Who needs tender and flaky when you can have a dish that's as crispy as your grandma's secret stash of 20-year-old potato chips?
"The Inferno Inferno Inferno!": Take your burnt fish to new heights of fiery flavor by subjecting it to even more intense heat. Who needs food that's merely spicy when you can have a dish that's so hot it makes the sun look like a snowflake?
"The Ashen Ash Apocalypse": Transform your burnt fish into a smoky sensation that's sure to leave a lasting impression. Who needs subtle seasoning when you can have a dish that tastes like it's been kissed by a bonfire and hugged by a chimney sweep?
"The Scorched Seafood Showstopper": Serve up your burnt fish with a side of humor and a sprinkle of self-deprecation. Who needs culinary perfection when you can have a dish that's so hilariously overdone, it's practically a work of art?
Here is why this fish needs to be cooked more in my humble British (we're really good with food trust me on this) opinion:
"The Burnt-to-a-Crisp Banquet Bonanza": Cook that burnt fish even more until it's practically fossilized. Who needs food that's merely well-done when you can have a meal that's been thoroughly overcooked, underappreciated, and ready to be excavated by archaeologists in the future?
"The Charred Delicacy Extravaganza": Embrace the carbonized crunch of your burnt fish and turn it into a gourmet masterpiece that defies culinary norms. Who needs tender and flaky when you can have a dish that's as crispy as your grandma's secret stash of 20-year-old potato chips?
"The Inferno Inferno Inferno!": Take your burnt fish to new heights of fiery flavor by subjecting it to even more intense heat. Who needs food that's merely spicy when you can have a dish that's so hot it makes the sun look like a snowflake?
"The Ashen Ash Apocalypse": Transform your burnt fish into a smoky sensation that's sure to leave a lasting impression. Who needs subtle seasoning when you can have a dish that tastes like it's been kissed by a bonfire and hugged by a chimney sweep?
"The Scorched Seafood Showstopper": Serve up your burnt fish with a side of humor and a sprinkle of self-deprecation. Who needs culinary perfection when you can have a dish that's so hilariously overdone, it's practically a work of art?
1 year ago
1 year ago
Relationship destroyer
She better never find out
Here are some reasons explaining why this is a no-no of biblical proportions
"Spoiler Alert, Relationship Disaster": Watching your favorite show without your partner is like committing the ultimate relationship sin—spoiling all the juicy plot twists and leaving them in the dark. Prepare for the silent treatment until the next season drops!
"Netflix Cheating Drama": Ever heard of Netflix infidelity? It's a real thing, and it's a recipe for disaster. Sneakily binge-watching episodes behind your partner's back might seem harmless at first, but trust me, it's a slippery slope to couch-side betrayal.
"The Lonely Remote Syndrome": Sure, you can watch shows solo, but where's the fun in that? Without your partner by your side, you're left to fend for yourself against the dreaded loneliness of the remote control. Good luck navigating those streaming platforms solo!
"The Mystery of Missing References": Watching shows separately means missing out on all those inside jokes and pop culture references that make couple-dom so much fun. Get ready for awkward silences when you accidentally drop a quote they haven't heard yet.
"The Great Relationship Cliffhanger": Sharing the ups and downs of a TV series is like a bonding experience on steroids. Without your partner there to debate theories, predict plot twists, and dissect character arcs, you're left hanging off the metaphorical relationship cliff, wondering what could have been.
Here are some reasons explaining why this is a no-no of biblical proportions
"Spoiler Alert, Relationship Disaster": Watching your favorite show without your partner is like committing the ultimate relationship sin—spoiling all the juicy plot twists and leaving them in the dark. Prepare for the silent treatment until the next season drops!
"Netflix Cheating Drama": Ever heard of Netflix infidelity? It's a real thing, and it's a recipe for disaster. Sneakily binge-watching episodes behind your partner's back might seem harmless at first, but trust me, it's a slippery slope to couch-side betrayal.
"The Lonely Remote Syndrome": Sure, you can watch shows solo, but where's the fun in that? Without your partner by your side, you're left to fend for yourself against the dreaded loneliness of the remote control. Good luck navigating those streaming platforms solo!
"The Mystery of Missing References": Watching shows separately means missing out on all those inside jokes and pop culture references that make couple-dom so much fun. Get ready for awkward silences when you accidentally drop a quote they haven't heard yet.
"The Great Relationship Cliffhanger": Sharing the ups and downs of a TV series is like a bonding experience on steroids. Without your partner there to debate theories, predict plot twists, and dissect character arcs, you're left hanging off the metaphorical relationship cliff, wondering what could have been.
1 year ago
A point we should remember
Not an excuse to be a dick though , but these are:
"I'm Just Keeping It Real: Because who needs filters or manners when you can hit 'em with the unfiltered truth? Sure, it stings a bit, but hey, honesty is the best policy...right?
"It's Not My Fault, It's Mercury Retrograde: Blame it on the cosmic alignment! When the planets are in disarray, so are my social graces. Sorry, not sorry—it's written in the stars!
"I'm a Trailblazer, Not a People-Pleaser: Some call it being assertive; others call it being downright rude. But hey, if I don't pave the way for honesty, who will?
"I'm Just a Sufferer of Chronic Resting B*tch Face: It's not intentional, I swear! My facial muscles just naturally default to 'unimpressed.' Don't take it personally...unless you want to.
"I'm Not Mean, I'm Just Misunderstood: Deep down, I'm like an onion—layers upon layers of complexity. Sure, the outer layer might make you cry, but it's all part of the journey to my inner sweetness."
"I'm Just Keeping It Real: Because who needs filters or manners when you can hit 'em with the unfiltered truth? Sure, it stings a bit, but hey, honesty is the best policy...right?
"It's Not My Fault, It's Mercury Retrograde: Blame it on the cosmic alignment! When the planets are in disarray, so are my social graces. Sorry, not sorry—it's written in the stars!
"I'm a Trailblazer, Not a People-Pleaser: Some call it being assertive; others call it being downright rude. But hey, if I don't pave the way for honesty, who will?
"I'm Just a Sufferer of Chronic Resting B*tch Face: It's not intentional, I swear! My facial muscles just naturally default to 'unimpressed.' Don't take it personally...unless you want to.
"I'm Not Mean, I'm Just Misunderstood: Deep down, I'm like an onion—layers upon layers of complexity. Sure, the outer layer might make you cry, but it's all part of the journey to my inner sweetness."
