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1 year ago
Hypo criticizing
Sitting there eating all the plants. I feel like criticizing those bastards here are some opinions about those uncouth beasts:
"Hippos: Nature's real-life 'Hungry Hungry Hippos' game, except instead of marbles, they're devouring entire ecosystems. Someone needs to tell them it's not a buffet!"
"Hippos: Proof that 'thick thighs save lives' also applies in the animal kingdom. But seriously, those chunky chompers are less 'majestic river guardian' and more 'hungry, hungry hippo in a tutu.'"
"Hippos: The fashionably latecomers to the 'gray and wrinkly' trend. But let's be honest, no amount of mud baths can cover up that 'I-ate-too-many-lunches' look."
"Hippos: Living proof that you can't judge a book by its cover. With a face that says 'cuddly teddy bear' and a temper that says 'swim at your own risk,' they're the ultimate aquatic enigmas."
"Hippos: The heavyweight champions of the riverbank, with a body mass index that puts Sumo wrestlers to shame. Someone needs to tell them that 'big boned' isn't an excuse to sink every boat that dares to pass by."
"Hippos: Nature's real-life 'Hungry Hungry Hippos' game, except instead of marbles, they're devouring entire ecosystems. Someone needs to tell them it's not a buffet!"
"Hippos: Proof that 'thick thighs save lives' also applies in the animal kingdom. But seriously, those chunky chompers are less 'majestic river guardian' and more 'hungry, hungry hippo in a tutu.'"
"Hippos: The fashionably latecomers to the 'gray and wrinkly' trend. But let's be honest, no amount of mud baths can cover up that 'I-ate-too-many-lunches' look."
"Hippos: Living proof that you can't judge a book by its cover. With a face that says 'cuddly teddy bear' and a temper that says 'swim at your own risk,' they're the ultimate aquatic enigmas."
"Hippos: The heavyweight champions of the riverbank, with a body mass index that puts Sumo wrestlers to shame. Someone needs to tell them that 'big boned' isn't an excuse to sink every boat that dares to pass by."
10 months ago
1 year ago
Bitting my ass is a capital offence
Cuddling is nice though, but my ass getting bitten by a kitten is not
Here are 5 reasons why one might not appreciate their ass having teeth marks:
"Purr-sonal Space Invasion": Your cat's idea of personal space is about as broad as a catwalk, and unfortunately, your posterior seems to be the runway du jour. Who knew fluffy could be so cheeky?
"Fuzzy Ferociousness": Ever been ambushed by a cuddly ninja? That's what it feels like when your cat decides to take a nibble out of your derrière. Watch out for those stealthy sneak attacks—they're fur real!
"Tail-tastic Troubles": You've heard of tailgating, but tail-biting? Not exactly the kind of tail-wagging fun you had in mind. Your cat's curiosity may be piqued, but your pain receptors sure aren't pleased!
"Claws for Concern": Forget cat scratch fever—how about cat bite blues? With teeth sharper than a lawyer's wit, your feline friend isn't exactly known for its gentle dental hygiene reminders. Time to invest in some kitty toothpaste, perhaps?
"Meow-chy Territory": Your posterior may be plush, but it's definitely not a scratching post! Unfortunately, your cat missed the memo and decided to take a nibble instead. Looks like it's time for a crash course in cat-to-human communication—starting with "ouch"!
Here are 5 reasons why one might not appreciate their ass having teeth marks:
"Purr-sonal Space Invasion": Your cat's idea of personal space is about as broad as a catwalk, and unfortunately, your posterior seems to be the runway du jour. Who knew fluffy could be so cheeky?
"Fuzzy Ferociousness": Ever been ambushed by a cuddly ninja? That's what it feels like when your cat decides to take a nibble out of your derrière. Watch out for those stealthy sneak attacks—they're fur real!
"Tail-tastic Troubles": You've heard of tailgating, but tail-biting? Not exactly the kind of tail-wagging fun you had in mind. Your cat's curiosity may be piqued, but your pain receptors sure aren't pleased!
"Claws for Concern": Forget cat scratch fever—how about cat bite blues? With teeth sharper than a lawyer's wit, your feline friend isn't exactly known for its gentle dental hygiene reminders. Time to invest in some kitty toothpaste, perhaps?
"Meow-chy Territory": Your posterior may be plush, but it's definitely not a scratching post! Unfortunately, your cat missed the memo and decided to take a nibble instead. Looks like it's time for a crash course in cat-to-human communication—starting with "ouch"!
1 year ago
Girls stop doing this
More filters then all the worlds water supply uses
These trustworthy health warnings might stop them
"Warning: Wrinkle-Rific Filter Ahead"
"Using this filter might age you like fine wine, complete with wrinkles and a distinguished aura. Side effects include sudden urges to dispense wisdom and an increased appreciation for rocking chairs."
"Caution: Crow's Feet Creator"
"Applying this filter excessively could result in crow's feet around the eyes, giving you a prematurely wise appearance. Side effects may include nostalgic yearnings for the good ol' days."
"Notice: Grayscale Glamour"
"This filter drains color from your face, giving you a vintage vibe. Side effects may include sudden cravings for classic movies and a desire to dispense sage advice."
"Alert: Prematurely Gray Guarantee"
"Long-term use of this filter might give you a head of distinguished gray hair. Side effects may include being mistaken for a seasoned sage and unsolicited requests for life advice."
"Attention: Retro Aging Risk"
"Using this filter might transport you back in time, aging you instantly. Side effects may include nostalgia for bygone eras and an affinity for vintage fashion."
These trustworthy health warnings might stop them
"Warning: Wrinkle-Rific Filter Ahead"
"Using this filter might age you like fine wine, complete with wrinkles and a distinguished aura. Side effects include sudden urges to dispense wisdom and an increased appreciation for rocking chairs."
"Caution: Crow's Feet Creator"
"Applying this filter excessively could result in crow's feet around the eyes, giving you a prematurely wise appearance. Side effects may include nostalgic yearnings for the good ol' days."
"Notice: Grayscale Glamour"
"This filter drains color from your face, giving you a vintage vibe. Side effects may include sudden cravings for classic movies and a desire to dispense sage advice."
"Alert: Prematurely Gray Guarantee"
"Long-term use of this filter might give you a head of distinguished gray hair. Side effects may include being mistaken for a seasoned sage and unsolicited requests for life advice."
"Attention: Retro Aging Risk"
"Using this filter might transport you back in time, aging you instantly. Side effects may include nostalgia for bygone eras and an affinity for vintage fashion."
1 year ago
A handy tool for a modern age
There's a few reasons why she might not want to sign a prenup! Here's a few:
The Reverse Gold Digger Defense: They're afraid their partner might think they're after their collection of vintage Pokémon cards and limited edition action figures, rather than their vast fortune of... well, debt.
The "I Don't Need No Stinkin' Prenup" Syndrome: They've watched too many romantic comedies where love conquers all, including crippling financial liabilities and potential alimony payments.
The Curse of the Cursed Ring: They fear that signing a prenup might jinx their happily ever after, as if the ink from the contract is made from the tears of failed marriages past.
The "I'm Just Here for the Cake" Conundrum: They're more focused on the wedding cake than the legal ramifications of marriage, assuming that a slice of red velvet can solve any future financial disputes.
The "What's Mine is Mine and What's Yours is... Oh, Wait" Dilemma: They're convinced that their partner's idea of a prenup involves them signing over their prized Beanie Baby collection in exchange for custody of the dog.
The Reverse Gold Digger Defense: They're afraid their partner might think they're after their collection of vintage Pokémon cards and limited edition action figures, rather than their vast fortune of... well, debt.
The "I Don't Need No Stinkin' Prenup" Syndrome: They've watched too many romantic comedies where love conquers all, including crippling financial liabilities and potential alimony payments.
The Curse of the Cursed Ring: They fear that signing a prenup might jinx their happily ever after, as if the ink from the contract is made from the tears of failed marriages past.
The "I'm Just Here for the Cake" Conundrum: They're more focused on the wedding cake than the legal ramifications of marriage, assuming that a slice of red velvet can solve any future financial disputes.
The "What's Mine is Mine and What's Yours is... Oh, Wait" Dilemma: They're convinced that their partner's idea of a prenup involves them signing over their prized Beanie Baby collection in exchange for custody of the dog.
10 months ago
1 year ago
Very Wholesome
No one is useless, here are some maxims continuing this idea:
"Even the most useless looking screw in an IKEA furniture set eventually finds its place. So, chin up! You're just waiting for the right instruction manual to come along."
"Remember, even a broken clock is right twice a day. So, if you feel like you're always off-kilter, just know that eventually, you'll stumble upon the perfect moment to shine!"
"Think of yourself as the 'Ctrl + Alt + Del' of life—sure, you might not know exactly what you're doing, but sometimes, a good old-fashioned reboot is just what the world needs!"
"You may feel as useful as a screen door on a submarine, but hey, someone's gotta let the fish know they're welcome. You're like the unsung hero of aquatic hospitality!"
"Just like the 'skip' button on a YouTube ad, you may not always be in demand, but when you are, you're an absolute lifesaver! Keep shining, you gloriously random button, you."
"Even the most useless looking screw in an IKEA furniture set eventually finds its place. So, chin up! You're just waiting for the right instruction manual to come along."
"Remember, even a broken clock is right twice a day. So, if you feel like you're always off-kilter, just know that eventually, you'll stumble upon the perfect moment to shine!"
"Think of yourself as the 'Ctrl + Alt + Del' of life—sure, you might not know exactly what you're doing, but sometimes, a good old-fashioned reboot is just what the world needs!"
"You may feel as useful as a screen door on a submarine, but hey, someone's gotta let the fish know they're welcome. You're like the unsung hero of aquatic hospitality!"
"Just like the 'skip' button on a YouTube ad, you may not always be in demand, but when you are, you're an absolute lifesaver! Keep shining, you gloriously random button, you."
