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8 months ago
Donations to other pastors don't count
He has the only account that can help with this.
Here are five humorous and ironic reasons why someone might consider donating to a megachurch pastor:
"Invest in the Holy Stock Market": By donating to the megachurch pastor, you're essentially investing in the divine stock market, where the returns are measured in heavenly blessings and eternal salvation. Who needs Wall Street when you can secure your financial future in the afterlife?
"Upgrade Your Heavenly Rewards Program": Just like upgrading your loyalty program status at a fancy hotel, donating to the megachurch pastor might be seen as a way to unlock exclusive perks in the heavenly rewards program. Maybe you'll get upgraded from a cloud to a penthouse suite in the celestial kingdom!
"Support the Pastor's Gucci Bible Collection": Your donations could go toward ensuring the pastor's wardrobe is as luxurious as their teachings. After all, why settle for a regular Bible when you can preach the gospel in style with a diamond-encrusted, gold-plated edition?
"Secure Your Spot in the Divine VIP Lounge": Donating generously to the megachurch pastor might earn you a coveted spot in the divine VIP lounge, where the drinks are flowing, and the angels sing your praises. Who wouldn't want to skip the line at the pearly gates?
"Contribute to the Pastor's Private Jet Fund": Forget about flying commercial – with your donations, the pastor can upgrade to a private jet for spreading the good word across the skies. After all, nothing says "prosperity gospel" like preaching from 30,000 feet in the air!
Here are five humorous and ironic reasons why someone might consider donating to a megachurch pastor:
"Invest in the Holy Stock Market": By donating to the megachurch pastor, you're essentially investing in the divine stock market, where the returns are measured in heavenly blessings and eternal salvation. Who needs Wall Street when you can secure your financial future in the afterlife?
"Upgrade Your Heavenly Rewards Program": Just like upgrading your loyalty program status at a fancy hotel, donating to the megachurch pastor might be seen as a way to unlock exclusive perks in the heavenly rewards program. Maybe you'll get upgraded from a cloud to a penthouse suite in the celestial kingdom!
"Support the Pastor's Gucci Bible Collection": Your donations could go toward ensuring the pastor's wardrobe is as luxurious as their teachings. After all, why settle for a regular Bible when you can preach the gospel in style with a diamond-encrusted, gold-plated edition?
"Secure Your Spot in the Divine VIP Lounge": Donating generously to the megachurch pastor might earn you a coveted spot in the divine VIP lounge, where the drinks are flowing, and the angels sing your praises. Who wouldn't want to skip the line at the pearly gates?
"Contribute to the Pastor's Private Jet Fund": Forget about flying commercial – with your donations, the pastor can upgrade to a private jet for spreading the good word across the skies. After all, nothing says "prosperity gospel" like preaching from 30,000 feet in the air!
7 months ago
Old meme now 59.99$
85$ with uber eats. It has a sort of charm though... Maybe there ARE reasons why you should form over the cash :
"The Charred Comedy Show:" Paying $59.99 for the worst BBQ in town guarantees you front-row seats to the hottest comedy show in town—watching the chef attempt to grill without setting the entire restaurant ablaze. It's a fiery spectacle you won't soon forget.
"The Smoke Signal Social:" Who needs social media when you can pay $59.99 for the worst BBQ in town and enjoy an evening of smoke signals and charred camaraderie? It's the perfect opportunity to bond with fellow BBQ enthusiasts over burnt brisket and singed sausages.
"The Mystery Meat Bonanza:" With the worst BBQ in town, you never know what you're going to get—literally. It's like a culinary game of Russian roulette, where every bite is a surprise adventure into the unknown. Will it be overcooked? Undercooked? Completely unrecognizable? The suspense is half the fun!
"The BBQ Blues Band:" For $59.99, you'll be treated to live entertainment from the BBQ Blues Band—a motley crew of musicians who serenade diners with soulful tunes about burnt burgers, charred chicken, and the elusive quest for the perfect BBQ. It's the soundtrack to your culinary misadventures.
"The Grill Master's Hall of Shame:" Ever wanted to witness a BBQ disaster up close and personal? Look no further than the worst BBQ in town, where the grill master proudly displays their charred creations in a hall of shame for all to see. It's a testament to human resilience—and a cautionary tale for aspiring pitmasters everywhere.
"The Charred Comedy Show:" Paying $59.99 for the worst BBQ in town guarantees you front-row seats to the hottest comedy show in town—watching the chef attempt to grill without setting the entire restaurant ablaze. It's a fiery spectacle you won't soon forget.
"The Smoke Signal Social:" Who needs social media when you can pay $59.99 for the worst BBQ in town and enjoy an evening of smoke signals and charred camaraderie? It's the perfect opportunity to bond with fellow BBQ enthusiasts over burnt brisket and singed sausages.
"The Mystery Meat Bonanza:" With the worst BBQ in town, you never know what you're going to get—literally. It's like a culinary game of Russian roulette, where every bite is a surprise adventure into the unknown. Will it be overcooked? Undercooked? Completely unrecognizable? The suspense is half the fun!
"The BBQ Blues Band:" For $59.99, you'll be treated to live entertainment from the BBQ Blues Band—a motley crew of musicians who serenade diners with soulful tunes about burnt burgers, charred chicken, and the elusive quest for the perfect BBQ. It's the soundtrack to your culinary misadventures.
"The Grill Master's Hall of Shame:" Ever wanted to witness a BBQ disaster up close and personal? Look no further than the worst BBQ in town, where the grill master proudly displays their charred creations in a hall of shame for all to see. It's a testament to human resilience—and a cautionary tale for aspiring pitmasters everywhere.
7 months ago
Next time keep it a secret
Sucking on your sister's toys plastic mosquito bites (those being double D's for a small doll) is frankly insane. Can we defend it? No. Should we? Also a resounding no since it's not hurting anyone! Did we try to understand it? As always yes and we came up with these reasons as to why one might do it:
"The Plastic Pacifier Prodigy:" Sucking on a Barbie Doll's plastic chest might be an attempt to relive the soothing sensation of childhood pacifiers. Who needs a binky when you have a Barbie boob?
"The Plastic Plundering Plight:" It could be a misguided attempt at extracting hidden treasures from within the doll's plastic chest cavity. After all, who knows what secrets lie beneath the smooth surface—perhaps buried treasure or long-lost pirate gold?
"The Plastic Power Play:" Some may see it as a bizarre power move, asserting dominance over the doll kingdom by subjecting Barbie to their whims and desires. It's like staging a tiny coup d'état in the world of plastic royalty.
"The Plastic Provocation Prank:" Sucking on Barbie Doll breasts could be a mischievous prank designed to elicit shock and amusement from onlookers. It's like pushing the boundaries of social norms with a plastic twist—because why not?
"The Plastic Protestation Protest:" It might be a comedic form of protest against the unrealistic beauty standards perpetuated by Barbie Dolls. By engaging in this absurd act, one could be making a bold statement about the absurdity of plastic perfection—a tongue-in-cheek rebellion against conformity.
"The Plastic Pacifier Prodigy:" Sucking on a Barbie Doll's plastic chest might be an attempt to relive the soothing sensation of childhood pacifiers. Who needs a binky when you have a Barbie boob?
"The Plastic Plundering Plight:" It could be a misguided attempt at extracting hidden treasures from within the doll's plastic chest cavity. After all, who knows what secrets lie beneath the smooth surface—perhaps buried treasure or long-lost pirate gold?
"The Plastic Power Play:" Some may see it as a bizarre power move, asserting dominance over the doll kingdom by subjecting Barbie to their whims and desires. It's like staging a tiny coup d'état in the world of plastic royalty.
"The Plastic Provocation Prank:" Sucking on Barbie Doll breasts could be a mischievous prank designed to elicit shock and amusement from onlookers. It's like pushing the boundaries of social norms with a plastic twist—because why not?
"The Plastic Protestation Protest:" It might be a comedic form of protest against the unrealistic beauty standards perpetuated by Barbie Dolls. By engaging in this absurd act, one could be making a bold statement about the absurdity of plastic perfection—a tongue-in-cheek rebellion against conformity.
5 months ago
8 months ago
Granfield
Didn't spell it as wrong as him though.
Maybe keep your eyes open while typing or some of these things might happen:
"You might accidentally type out your secret love confession to your crush... and send it to your boss instead. HR could have a field day with that one!"
"Ever tried typing a grocery list blindfolded? Let's just say, instead of 'milk' you might end up ordering 'a silk' from the grocery delivery service. Who knew dairy was so fashionable?"
"Auto-correct can be a lifesaver, but with your eyes closed, it's more like a comedic time bomb. 'I'll be there in a sec' turns into 'I'll be there in a sex'—awkward family chat, anyone?"
"Attempting to reply to your friend's joke with 'LOL' but end up typing 'LOLITA' instead. Suddenly, your innocent chuckle takes a disturbing turn."
"Imagine writing a heartfelt condolence message with your eyes closed, only to realize later you've sent a 'congratulations on your promotion' note instead. Whoops, wrong emotion!"
Maybe keep your eyes open while typing or some of these things might happen:
"You might accidentally type out your secret love confession to your crush... and send it to your boss instead. HR could have a field day with that one!"
"Ever tried typing a grocery list blindfolded? Let's just say, instead of 'milk' you might end up ordering 'a silk' from the grocery delivery service. Who knew dairy was so fashionable?"
"Auto-correct can be a lifesaver, but with your eyes closed, it's more like a comedic time bomb. 'I'll be there in a sec' turns into 'I'll be there in a sex'—awkward family chat, anyone?"
"Attempting to reply to your friend's joke with 'LOL' but end up typing 'LOLITA' instead. Suddenly, your innocent chuckle takes a disturbing turn."
"Imagine writing a heartfelt condolence message with your eyes closed, only to realize later you've sent a 'congratulations on your promotion' note instead. Whoops, wrong emotion!"
7 months ago
Older then her kids
Not aged like a fine wine. If you do insist on staying absolute to that no food waste pledge you made to impress your pro-environment friends here are 5 ways you could eat this extensively expired piece of Italian cuisine possibly a contemporary of Julius Caesar:
The Archaeological Excavation: Treat it like a culinary excavation project and invite some friends over for a "dig." Arm yourselves with shovels and brushes, don safety goggles, and carefully unearth the ancient lasagna layer by layer. Just be sure to have the nearest hospital on speed dial.
The Time Traveler's Tasting Menu: Pretend you're a brave time traveler sampling cuisine from centuries past. Take a cautious bite of the expired lasagna and dramatically exclaim, "Ah yes, the taste of the '90s—decadent, yet strangely reminiscent of cardboard."
The Lasagna Lava Lamp: Turn it into a mesmerizing kitchen decoration by suspending it in a giant glass jar filled with colorful liquid. Watch in awe as the layers of congealed cheese and sauce slowly undulate like a lava lamp from the disco era. Bonus points if you add some funky '90s music to complete the ambiance.
The Lasagna Locomotion Challenge: Turn it into a game by daring your friends to eat a slice of the ancient lasagna without gagging. Whoever can keep it down the longest wins bragging rights and a lifetime supply of antacids.
The Lasagna Liberation Party: Throw a tongue-in-cheek "Lasagna Liberation" party, where you and your friends gather to liberate the expired lasagna from its dusty prison in the back of your pantry. Raise a toast to culinary courage as you take turns attempting to conquer the ancient dish, accompanied by plenty of laughter and stomach-churning anecdotes.
The Archaeological Excavation: Treat it like a culinary excavation project and invite some friends over for a "dig." Arm yourselves with shovels and brushes, don safety goggles, and carefully unearth the ancient lasagna layer by layer. Just be sure to have the nearest hospital on speed dial.
The Time Traveler's Tasting Menu: Pretend you're a brave time traveler sampling cuisine from centuries past. Take a cautious bite of the expired lasagna and dramatically exclaim, "Ah yes, the taste of the '90s—decadent, yet strangely reminiscent of cardboard."
The Lasagna Lava Lamp: Turn it into a mesmerizing kitchen decoration by suspending it in a giant glass jar filled with colorful liquid. Watch in awe as the layers of congealed cheese and sauce slowly undulate like a lava lamp from the disco era. Bonus points if you add some funky '90s music to complete the ambiance.
The Lasagna Locomotion Challenge: Turn it into a game by daring your friends to eat a slice of the ancient lasagna without gagging. Whoever can keep it down the longest wins bragging rights and a lifetime supply of antacids.
The Lasagna Liberation Party: Throw a tongue-in-cheek "Lasagna Liberation" party, where you and your friends gather to liberate the expired lasagna from its dusty prison in the back of your pantry. Raise a toast to culinary courage as you take turns attempting to conquer the ancient dish, accompanied by plenty of laughter and stomach-churning anecdotes.
7 months ago
Nice legs are they for sale?
Good thing he didn't pull out a chainsaw. Buying someone's legs is a quirky and absurd idea, so here are some humorous takes on how you might go about it:
The Leg Auction: Host a bizarre auction where you bid on individual body parts, with legs being the star attraction. Just make sure to clarify that you're only interested in the legs, not the rest of the package. Bonus points for throwing in a pair of prosthetic legs as a sweetener.
The Leg Swap Meet: Organize a peculiar event where people can trade body parts like Pokémon cards. You show up with a bag full of cash and a sign that says "Legs Wanted: Will Pay Handsomely." Who knows, maybe someone will take you up on the offer in exchange for a lifetime supply of socks.
The Leg Exchange Program: Start a quirky business where people can trade in their old legs for shiny new ones. You set up shop on a busy street corner with a sign that reads "Cash for Legs: Upgrade Yours Today!" It's like a used car dealership, but with fewer miles.
The Leg Lottery: Launch a whimsical lottery where the grand prize is a pair of legs belonging to a random stranger. You sell tickets with the slogan "Win Legs for Life!" and watch as people eagerly line up for their chance to walk away with a new set of gams.
The Leg Barter System: Embrace your inner entrepreneur and start a unique bartering system where legs are the currency of choice. You trade your vintage record collection for someone's legs, and they walk away with a new vinyl player. It's a win-win... unless you're left hopping mad.
The Leg Auction: Host a bizarre auction where you bid on individual body parts, with legs being the star attraction. Just make sure to clarify that you're only interested in the legs, not the rest of the package. Bonus points for throwing in a pair of prosthetic legs as a sweetener.
The Leg Swap Meet: Organize a peculiar event where people can trade body parts like Pokémon cards. You show up with a bag full of cash and a sign that says "Legs Wanted: Will Pay Handsomely." Who knows, maybe someone will take you up on the offer in exchange for a lifetime supply of socks.
The Leg Exchange Program: Start a quirky business where people can trade in their old legs for shiny new ones. You set up shop on a busy street corner with a sign that reads "Cash for Legs: Upgrade Yours Today!" It's like a used car dealership, but with fewer miles.
The Leg Lottery: Launch a whimsical lottery where the grand prize is a pair of legs belonging to a random stranger. You sell tickets with the slogan "Win Legs for Life!" and watch as people eagerly line up for their chance to walk away with a new set of gams.
The Leg Barter System: Embrace your inner entrepreneur and start a unique bartering system where legs are the currency of choice. You trade your vintage record collection for someone's legs, and they walk away with a new vinyl player. It's a win-win... unless you're left hopping mad.
